It took a bit longer than expected to iron out all the details, but we're very pleased to announce that Nancy Breitman is our winner! (Balloons are falling from the ceiling and trumpets are blaring.) She submitted 2 stories, both of which were very funny, one of which won the contest. We titled it, "Widows for Dummies". Without further ado here it is: *** Montreal - Dr. Suzie Pallister recently reported on what lures husbands away from the bedroom and into their own private Internet world. Dr. Pallister investigated 2,000 couples and found wives often complained about their husband's inability to fulfill their manly duties. "I could be standing naked beside him with sparklers sticking out of every orifice and he wouldn't be able to tear himself away from online pinball," was a common complaint. Microsoft Marriage Counselor, Mike Yoskovitz believes these problems are due to male arousal issues and offered some helpful hints. "Replace your perfume with that stuff he uses to clean his keyboard," said Yoskovitz. "And try making that computer humming noise when he comes to bed…it might turn him on". When the wives asked Dr. Pallister about her personal bedroom results, she replied, "If only it was as easy as 'point and click' for him to make me '.com'!" *** Any story that has "sparklers sticking out of every orifice" is a winner in my books. So congratulations to Nancy for winning! It wasn't an easy decision, many of the submissions we got were very funny, and since humor is rather subjective, we bounced back and forth on what was really the funniest. Still...sparklers...in every orifice...of a woman...anyone getting a mental image? There were a number of other top contenders, and here they are: From Tommy at http://www.almostaverage.com we got: *** Dallas, Texas - The winner of last week’s Sun Bowl Open has been disqualified as a result of the Professional Bowling Association’s new drug policy. "When we implemented the program we never expected to catch anyone violating the policy," said Bob Stephens, spokesman for the PBA. Al Wilson, winner of the tour's last four tournaments, has been suspended indefinitely. His fellow competitors have been suspecting him for some time now. "All he ever drinks is water," said one of his rivals. "I had to bowl 4 rounds to get to the finals; at 3 beers a go, that's a 12 pack. It's not fair bowling against him like that." Stephens chimed in, "This is bowling, we can’t have people competing sober." It looks like the suspension had the anticipated impact. Wilson's final statement at the press conference was, "If they let me back on tour, I promise you’ll never see me sober again." *** This one really spoke to my father, Mike Yoskovitz, who as you all know is an avid curler. It seems, from this story at least, that curling and bowling aren't too different. Mark Garrison, the very first person to submit stories to the contest, sent in a few submissions that we quite enjoyed as well. Here's one (it was later edited for length, but here's the original): *** In a surprise victory today, John Anthony of Green Bay Wisconsin walked away with the $10,000,000 grand prize in the Wisconsin Lottery. Two people matched the winning numbers to last night's drawing and they were forced to enter a no holds barred death match in the Lottery Commission parking lot to decide a winner. "With the present state of the economy, we simply cannot afford to have two winners" said Lottery Commission Executive Mark Garrison. "This is the best way for two strong Wisconsonians to see who gets all the money," continued Mr. Garrison. John Anthony won the death match by suffocating Elaine Woodson with his enormous man breasts. "YES! I'm rich! I'm rich! Now I can go get that man breast liposuction surgery I've always wanted," stated John Anthony. When asked why the Lottery Commission didn't just split the winnings like they always have in the past, Mark Garrison calmly walked away while quietly repeating, "crap, crap, crap". *** That last line just cracks me up. And while man breasts are something I may have to deal with as I get older (and I shudder at the thought), they're still pretty funny. Charlie from http://www.wherethehellwasi.com sent in a story that had a great premise, and so it deserved some attention as well: *** AirTroductions, a New York company specializing in pre-flight introductions, aiming to pair flight passengers up to make the flying experience more congenial, hit a snag yesterday when client Harry Watson of Redondo Beach, CA couldn't be matched. With anyone. As a show of good faith, AirTroductions employee Fred Lassiter sat next to Watson on his scheduled cross-country flight. Upon arrival on the East Coast, an exhausted Lassiter said, "I never realized how smart our computers were. Maybe next time he can take the train." *** And finally, Nancy Breitman came through with a second story that merited some attention as one of the funniest: *** Marijuana scientist, Dr. Mike Yoskovitz, whose extensive experience studying and testing the popular drug, has revealed promising evidence indicating that the drug should be legalized for relationship therapy. When personally tested, Dr. Yoskovitz found that marijuana's effects on the male and female brains led them to react more effectively to common conflicts with their significant others. "I've never felt more relaxed about my relationship with, uh...uh...Barbara," remarked Dr. Yoskovitz. "Every time we start to argue about anything, we quickly wind up laughing and talking about nachos. It's great! And money problems don't ignite fiery arguments either. If we ever need extra cash, we can just sell some of our "prescribed medicine" to the kids in the park and it's 'Hello, fine dining'!" Dr. Yoskovitz's research will soon branch out to studying if prescription beer can make significant others more attractive. *** It still makes me laugh when I read the line about the guy not remembering his wife's name. It's just classic, and funny. So there you have it folks. Long anticipated and hopefully worth the wait. All of these contributions are great and we received many more that were funny as well. Many of those will make an appearance in IGotNewsForYou.com when it goes live. As you can see, the range of stories is quite amazing, and I think that will be a significant part of IGotNewsForYou's appeal; there should be something for (almost) everyone. Raunchy. Play on words. Plain old ridiculous. You name it, and we should have a good amount of humor for it. I'd like to once again thank everyone that submitted stories to the contest - hopefully in the next few days (if I can get my act together), we'll be announcing another contest to keep the submissions rolling. Now, on to the post-IGotNewsForYou Writing Contest parties! (Technorati Tags: writing contest, satire, humor)