I don't have to travel that often, but I'm about to embark on two short trips (one to California and one to Alabama), so I need to get organized. While thinking about getting organized (which is really the first step to getting organized) it struck me that on my last trip the fellow sitting next to me (it was a cross-Canada, 5+ hour long flight) broke a few rules that in my book should be obvious. Rules that the flight attendants should mention along with "no smoking" and "keep your seatbelt on". Of course, we know the obvious things that you shouldn't do on an airplane, like use the word bomb or try and light your shoe, but there are other almost as nefarious things that shouldn't be allowed. Here's my list:

1. Don't hack up a lung. Honestly, if you're going to be coughing non-stop to the point where it seems like your internal organs are coming up, casually putting a hand over your mouth doesn't cut it. As it stands airplanes (in my opinion) are already germ-infested, but some people feel it's their divine right to cough away like they're on their death bed. The fellow I mentioned above was kind enough at some points to bend over and cough, which is really a whole other story.
   
2. Don't play with yourself. A shift or two, discreetly, is one thing -- let's face it, sitting on a plane for 5 hours isn't that comfortable -- but once it gets to any form of stroking, petting or rubbing, you've gone too far. The airplane is not your bedroom or your car or any other personal space, you're sitting right next to me. Please.
   
3. Don't let your head bob all over the place. Just buy one of those head pillows that can hold your neck and head in place. They're not even that expensive. Sometimes the planes will have some for people, but the no-frill carriers probably don't. Head bobbing isn't the end of the world, but when you've got a 200+ pound fellow sitting next to you and his giant melon keeps falling on your shoulder, you're forced to squish to one side in an already extremely small space. Plus, sometimes you catch the motion of the head jerking out of the corner of your eye and it's a bit startling..."What's that thing jumping out at me? Egads!" You're lucky I don't karate chop your head out of reflex.
   
4. Don't listen to music really loudly. This is just a common courtesy, but do I really need to hear your crappy music blaring out of your headphones? Once again, a plane really isn't a public place like walking down the street, we're all sitting there, we all paid, we're all uncomfortable. Show me some freaking courtesy you heavy metal-listening, vomit-coughing assbad.
   
5. Don't try and strike up a conversation more than two or three times. I picked 2 or 3 times sort of randomly, but if the person next to you is obviously disinterested in talking or is perhaps busy working/reading/sleeping, trying to strike up a conversation is rude and irritating. I'm all for casual conversation, I don't want to come across as a jerk, but I also really don't care that you had a goldfish that just passed away. Sorry.
   
6. Don't try and sell me something. This ties in with the point made just above, but I'd rather hear about your dead goldfish than have you sell me insurance on a 5-hour plane ride. The trouble is that I have no escape; I can't beat you over the head (they don't like violence on planes apparently), I don't want to break another rule from above like playing my music too loud, and even if I'm obviously ignoring you, I can still hear you. So please, keep your slimy sales to yourself. I'll happily give you my home phone number, I'd rather you call me there.
   

So there's my list. It's incomplete, gruff and a wee bit on the testy side. Shows you how much I like flying. Actually, I don't mind it that much if I'm lucky enough to sit next to a small, quiet, healthy person. Then it can be great fun. In the spirit of list making (which from time to time is a rather snappy thing to do online), I'll encourage people to make their own lists on their own sites and post a link back here. Or shoot me an email or post a comment to let me know you've made a list. Maybe I'll become the "master of the 'what not to do on an airplane' list". Or maybe I'll just stay a shmuck. (Technorati Tags: things you don't do on an airplane, air travel, head pillows)