The 2nd Fake Funny News Writing Contest came to a close on July 14th and we've been pouring over the submissions since then. It was a great contest, with many hilarious submissions. Unlike the 1st contest where we announced only 1 winner, the number of prizes we have this time allows us to have 1st, 2nd and 3rd place finishers and spread the wealth. The winner will be allowed to select 2 prizes. Our 2nd and 3rd place finishers will each select 1 prize. Since we're feeling generous, we've got 2 3rd place finishers... And the winner is...(drumroll please)...Margaret Rayson! Her submission on sex therapy and poor vision still makes me laugh. It's got all the elements of a good story: sex and humor (isn't that all we need?) Plus, Margaret sent in 2 additional stories that were also in the running, so she deserves to win. Remember, when reading the stories they would be personalized with your information (name, location, friend's name, etc.) All of these stories can be found in IGotNewsForYou mock news pages. Here's the winning entry, followed by another funny entry she submitted:

Renowned Sex-Therapist Injured Blames Poor Vision (by Margaret Rayson) Suzie Pallister, the well-known sex-therapist and author of "Don't Just Take It Lying Down, Girls", is recovering in a New York hospital after being found with her head stuck in a basketball net and her left leg wrapped around the back of her neck. On being interviewed, she stated that she "thought at the time that this seemed a difficult position to adopt, but whoever wrote the Kama Sutra must have known what they were talking about." Her partner, who wishes to remain anonymous, was released from the same hospital after being treated for a hernia and trauma. Known to be 'game for anything', he told our reporter, Ben Yoskovitz, that he is now considering retiring from the field. "It's a young man's game with Suzie," he said. Ms. Pallister refused to elaborate on the details of the incident, but did say that this would definitely be the last time she would consult the book without her reading glasses on.

What a Picture! (by Margaret Rayson) Celebrated artist and wit, Suzie Pallister, was interviewed at her Beaconsfield studio yesterday. Asked why she always gives a self-portrait, rather than agree to have her photograph taken, she said that photos always make her look as if she has escaped from the zoo, or is on the run from the police. In her usual self-deprecating manner, she stated that in her youth she was over 5'4", but has since found she has shrunk to under 4'5" and has difficulty climbing onto the kerbstone after crossing the street. Ms.Pallister told us that she has brown, wavy hair - mostly on her legs, - vital statistics of 36" 24" 36" - and that's just her arms, and a backside the width of two double-decker buses side by side. "Can you wonder I do all my shopping afte dark?" she added.

Our 2nd Place finisher is Tony Wiethoff who uncovers a breaking news story about what some college girls are doing for rides to and from campus. (Again, it involves sex and humor, but this is a bit raunchier...you've been warned.)

Energy Saver or New Road Menace? (by Tony Wiethoff) Professor Neil Pallister, known as the Green Dean of Montreal University, has come under fire for the controversial idea of encouraging students to save energy by offering oral sex in exchange for transport to and from the campus. A new hitchhiking sign, thumb up and forefinger outstretched, indicates the user’s willingness to perform this service to passing motorists. "I feel so good doing my bit in the fight against global warming," one pretty young sophomore told our reporter. "Right now I’m getting about 30 miles to the blow in the city, maybe 45 on the highway." Police are unimpressed. "It’s nothing more than prostitution," said officer Ben Yoskovitz, grimly. "Moreover, smog levels have virtually doubled with the constant stream of cars circling the campus day and night offering rides, not to mention the accident rate which has skyrocketed." Another detraction is the confusion the sign sometimes causes. One young man who was "just trying to be friendly" to a female convenience store clerk, was shot and wounded when she thought he was indicating he had a gun.

In 3rd Place we're declaring a tie between Tommy and Will Johnson. Here are their stories:

Smoke Alarm Gets High Alert! (Tommy) Firefighters were called to the home of Beaconsfield resident Neil Pallister late last night after neighbors spotted smoke seeping from a window. Pallister was taken to a local hospital where he was treated for second degree burns to his buttocks. Investigators were at first baffled after finding a propane torch, a blow dryer and a basket of wet moss attached to a kitchen chair with a hole in its seat. Suspecting terrorist activity, the area was cordonned off, but, after interviewing Mr. Pallister, they were finally satisfied with his explanation that he was "working on a device to blow smoke up your butt." "I'm relieved we got to the bottom of that," said Forensic Scientist Mike Yoskovitz of the Beaconsfield Police Department.

At Home in the Zoo (Will Johnson) Neil Pallister is the first man in Canada to find himself on display in a zoo. As part of an initiative set up by Beaconsfield Municipal Council to tackle homelessness, Neil has been given a new home - with the monkeys. Mr. Pallister told reporters, "I am pleased at last to find sanctuary and to be able to make a fresh start. Life on the streets was tough, and drugs were always a problem. It's hard to say 'no' when you feel that you don't care if you wake up tomorrow." Neil, with the help of his new housemates, has cleaned up his act. He has adapted to his new diet of fruit and nuts, and is becoming more adept each day at swinging on vines and leaping from tree to tree. He has also enthusiastically joined in the communal auto-erotic activities. "I've never felt so much at home," he added, "Never had such regular bowel movements. Never had so much attention. I want to really thank my friend, Mike Yoskovitz for persuading Beaconsfield Council to start this initiative."

A huge thank you to everyone that submitted stories. Each of you should have received a 1 year free subscription to IGotNewsForYou. I hope you enjoyed the contest and got a good laugh out of it. (Technorati Tags: writing contest, humor, satire, comedy)