One of the activities that couples who wish to maintain a "good" relationship should avoid is home renovation. Regardless of how minor the planned improvement to the shared nest will be, I suggest you let the nest fall into complete disrepair, if you want to keep your relationship (let alone, your active and healthy sex life) intact. Now of course if one spouse (typically the male in a non-same sex relationship) takes it upon himself to do all the planning, decision-making and the execution, without any involvement from the other home inhabitant - yeah, like that's going to happen - then fine - you might be relatively successful in the reno and the relationship may not become too damaged.

I speak from experience. My wife, aka "she who is always right" and I are embarking on some relatively minor home renos which involve the replacement of two toilets. Now I really don't care what toilet "she who is always right" chooses. I'm sure it will be attractive, functional, match the existing bathroom decor and will fit the appropriate part of her ladyship's anatomy perfectly. I have no input on selection of said bathroom fixture. Nor do I want any. My toilet, on the other hand, or should I say, our toilet but the one that I regularly use, is of course, an issue open to debate. I want one that will flush perfectly every time. That's my priority. I really don't care to spend the rest of my days with rubber plunger in hand, paper towels on the floor and crap flying around the bathroom. I want a functioning toilet. The madam of the house wants one that's attractive. Hmmm...right....ok.

So during one of our many "discussions" about which toilet I will be planting my butt on every single day for the rest of my life, her ladyship "suggested" we get me one of those new low-slung, low-volume, double-flush porcelain cuties. These, she said, would fit the decor perfectly. I think that these crappers might have trouble flushing a ladybug in a kleenex. I suggested that my movements can be quite big and hard and that these pretty little potties might not be able to handle the job. I am, after all, quite proud to say that I have blocked a number of cans in my time. Madam said I should eat more fiber and drink more water. I replied that I hated fiber but didn't mind water too much. She suggested that I flush a few times during the activity. Well, first of all, the double flush button is directly behind one's back on the top of the teensy-weensy tank of the teensy-weensy toilet. You could break your neck trying to reach it while sitting there. Unless you're a Cirque de Soleil Chinese contortionist, a chiropractor visit will certainly be required after attempting this maneuver. Secondly, flushing mid-poop is dangerous to your health. Think of all the bacteria-laden gases being created and blown up your butt during the flush. And what happens if, upon flushing, the toilet blocks while you're on it. Then water and crap is floating real high up the bowl getting ever closer to your butt cheeks and sagging gonads and you can't get up because you haven't quite finished yet. And that would be a good thing compared to an overflow.

When I brought up these very serious concerns, madam said I was being childish. Waaaaaaaa!

Comments? I can be reached at mike@igotnewsforyou.com