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Today's Weather:
Cloudy with sunny, rainy, snowy and foggy conditions. A thunderstorm and hail warning is in effect. Tonight, darkness expected.

NEW YORK | FRIDAY, MARCH 12, 2010 | The Nation's Oldest Daily | Since last week
http://www.IGotNewsForYou.com
Today's Sports Scores:
12, 3, 4, 8, 67 and a 3 to 3 tie.

Today's Winning Lottery Numbers:
None of yours!

U.N. Inspectors Suspicious

U.N. claims Benjamin Yoskovitz stockpiling abdominal gas, biological insurance agents and other web-puns of crass construction.

New International Marriage Symbol

After years of debate, Benjamin Yoskovitz, UN Human Rights Commissioner approves pictogram representing International Symbol of Marriage.

IN FOCUS

Law Suit Looming!

A local man, Benjamin Yoskovitz, has filed a multi-million dollar lawsuit against the Florida Everglades Tourist Resort and Trailer Park. In his claim, Mr. Yoskovitz stated, that as a result of a vacation at the Resort when he was a youngster, he had since been unable to form meaningful, intimate relationships during his later teen years and adult life. Taking time off from his position as lead soprano singer for the New York Choir, Mr. Yoskovitz provided photographic evidence of his claim during an exclusive interview with NewsForYou reporter, Mark Antony.


Park at Fault?

Japanese Purchase Resort!

In a surprise take-over, a Japanese conglomerate yesterday completed purchase of the Club Bed Resort Company, for an undisclosed amount. Club Bed has exclusive resorts all over the world and last year made huge profits. CEO of the Japanese mega-company, Benjaminiko Yoskovitzuki, said in a press release yesterday from the lavish company headquarters located in beautiful, downtown New York, "We are an aggressive organization, always looking to acquire any company that furthers the purchase and use of cameras."

Promising New Eye Treatment!

Myopics Everywhere Rejoice

        Hope for Eye Problems

From the NFY Business Desk
Mark Antony, reporter

A local man, Benjamin Yoskovitz has opened an eye clinic in downtown New York called Benjamin's Taser Eye Surgery Clinic, which will provide a low-cost alternative to traditional laser techniques.
      "Tasers are quick and effective," said Yoskovitz. "Preliminary studies have shown a good survival rate among patients, and although recovery time can take up to six months or more, we do provide white canes and free Braille lessons and in extreme cases, guide dogs."
      Currently looking to hire qualified personnel, Yoskovitz indicated that ex-police officers of excitable dispositions often prove to be good candidates for this work and would be given preferential consideration.
      Although no clients have as yet come forward, requested appointments or even phoned the clinic, Yoskovitz is confident that the Taser procedure will become an accepted therapeutic intervention and invited our reporter to view his new operating theatre and Taser unit. "It's a real eye-opener," he said.

Rapper's Release 'Inspired'

Rap singer, Benjamin Yoskovitz, after a number of poor albums, has come up with an exciting and innovative release. The CD cleverly combines rural African rhythms and urban sounds from the United States - something unique in a rap release. Sounds of water dripping and splashing, paper tearing and trucks backfiring are all part of this creative work.
      During a recent tour promoting the album, Yoskovitz commented on the inspiration for its content. "During our last gig here in New York, I got food poisoning after eating sushi. I spent almost three days and nights in the bathroom and the emotions and inspiration just seemed to flow out of me."
      The album, simply entitled 'Yoskovitz Unplugged', will be on sale tomorrow.

Greed Pays!

Last night, in New York, loan-shark boss Benjamin Yoskovitz announced plans to lower interest rates on outstanding loan balances to a respectable five percent from seven percent per week.
      In an exclusive interview with NFY reporter, Al Jones, Yoskovitz appeared in a darkened room with his face turned from the camera and his voice disguised by a scrambler. He added that in order to stay competitive with other major money lenders he was immediately reducing the penalty on overdue payments by 50%, from two broken legs to one.

* Mark Antony of the Clairvoyants Society has cancelled tonight's meeting due to unforeseen events. Page B8

* Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Al Jones, Crime Reporter

FOR SALE, by aspiring drag queen who has recently given up skydiving and watching TV...

Parachute, only used once, never opened, small stain.
Contact Benjamin Yoskovitz at New York Hospital, Rehabilitation Ward.

Benjamin Yoskovitz, engineer at Microsoft Advises New Business Grads!

"There are two rules for success. One: Don't tell all you know."