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Today's Weather:
Cloudy with sunny, rainy, snowy and foggy conditions. A thunderstorm and hail warning is in effect. Tonight, darkness expected.

NEW YORK | MONDAY, FEBRUARY 08, 2010 | The Nation's Oldest Daily | Since last week
http://www.IGotNewsForYou.com
Today's Sports Scores:
12, 3, 4, 8, 67 and a 3 to 3 tie.

Today's Winning Lottery Numbers:
None of yours!

Interview with Benjamin Yoskovitz

"Favourite things? Sex and sleep," says Benjamin. "If I could do both at once I'd be a happy man! I've always envied Bettie that gift."

Iraq: Correspondent Mark Antony

Islamic fundamentalists offer to stop televising beheading of hostages if U.S. agrees to stop opening new Starbucks franchises.

IN FOCUS

Director Nixes Poster

The Florida Everglades Resort and Trailer Park has announced that it has hired New York native, Benjamin Yoskovitz as Marketing Director responsible for the Parks new publicity campaign. Although the Parks official promotional poster (pictured below) was expensive to create, Yoskovitz pulled the poster from the campaign, stating in a press release, that it might lead tourists to falsely believe that the Park supplied lawn chairs, sunglasses and music headphones. These items, Yoskovitz insisted, were solely the responsibility of the Park visitor.


Parks Promo Poster

Cartoon ....Khartoum

Iranian film director Assami Bin Yoskovitz has announced plans to begin production of his country's first full length animated feature film.The movie, entitled "OH SAMMY, WHERE ART THOU?" follows the hilarious madcap adventures of a bumbling Al'Qaeda suicide bomber as he travels throughout the world trying to blow up various targets, as well as himself.
      The director has already cast the characters' voices, but their identities are being kept secret because several of them are in hiding somewhere in the mountains of Afghanistan.

Soooo Confused!

Kosovo Refugee Goes Mad!

        Sad Place!

New York
Benjamin Yoskovitzovic, a Kosovo refugee, is a recent immigrant to this country. After deciding to put down roots in New York, he had been adapting very well. Tragically, his luck ran out last week in a poignant reminder that a new home, away from the ravishes of wars and ethnic cleansing, is not always easy.
      Yoskovitzovic had always believed that he was born to an Albanian father and a Croation mother. He just discovered the awful truth. He had been adopted as a young boy! Yoskovitzovic had, in fact, grown up as the child of an Albanian father from Kosovo and a Croatian mother from Slovenia but his natural parents were a Serbian father from Bosnia and a Macedonian mother from Herzegovina.
      Yoskovitzovic, after being apprehended for burning down his own house, was admitted to The New York Mental Hospital suffering from multiple personality disorder.

Spat Over Bull!

TV celebrities Benjamin Yoskovitz and his spouse Bettie Smith continued to publicly display their tempestuous relationship this week-end.
      Walking around the annual New York Agricultural Show, Ms. Smith was intrigued by a huge breeding bull, over which hung a sign indicating that it had mated more than 300 times last year. She was overheard to bringing this to Benjamin's attention, teasingly saying that perhaps he could learn something from the animal.
      Mr. Yoskovitz, perhaps using an unfortunate choice of words, openly doubted that it was with the same cow each time.
      He is currently in a local hospital recovering from multiple abrasions and contusions to his face and neck. A full recovery is expected.

Greed Pays!

Last night, in New York, loan-shark boss Benjamin Yoskovitz announced plans to lower interest rates on outstanding loan balances to a respectable five percent from seven percent per week.
      In an exclusive interview with NFY reporter, Al Jones, Yoskovitz appeared in a darkened room with his face turned from the camera and his voice disguised by a scrambler. He added that in order to stay competitive with other major money lenders he was immediately reducing the penalty on overdue payments by 50%, from two broken legs to one.

* Mark Antony of the Clairvoyants Society has cancelled tonight's meeting due to unforeseen events. Page B8

* Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Al Jones, Crime Reporter

FOR SALE, by aspiring drag queen who has recently given up skydiving and watching TV...

Parachute, only used once, never opened, small stain.
Contact Benjamin Yoskovitz at New York Hospital, Rehabilitation Ward.

Benjamin Yoskovitz, engineer at Microsoft Advises New Business Grads!

"There are two rules for success. One: Don't tell all you know."