New U.S. Political Party Formed

Combines Worst Of Others' Platforms

After an international search among certified mentally-unstable persons, Benjamin Yoskovitz of New York, the United States, has been chosen to lead a new U.S. political party, the Republicrats, which aims to incorporate the worst qualities of Democrats and Republicans.
      Party chairman Yoskovitz said he was tired of parties that only do things halfway.
"But combining the corruption and heartless social agenda of the Republicans with the disorganization and runaway spending of the Democrats - well, that's the whole package," he said.
      The ambitious party platform includes programs such as raising taxes 200 percent to buy everybody more guns, and giving huge tax cuts to same-sex couples who marry, whether they're gay or not.
      Unfortunately, the party's first presidential candidate, Al Jones, has already been forced to resign after being caught in a compromising position with an intern. Jones claims only to have been looking for a WMD in the intern's underwear.

Promising New Eye Treatment!

Myopics Everywhere Rejoice

From the NFY Business Desk
Mark Antony, reporter

A local man, Benjamin Yoskovitz has opened an eye clinic in downtown New York called Benjamin's Taser Eye Surgery Clinic, which will provide a low-cost alternative to traditional laser techniques.
      "Tasers are quick and effective," said Yoskovitz. "Preliminary studies have shown a good survival rate among patients, and although recovery time can take up to six months or more, we do provide white canes and free Braille lessons and in extreme cases, guide dogs."
      Currently looking to hire qualified personnel, Yoskovitz indicated that ex-police officers of excitable dispositions often prove to be good candidates for this work and would be given preferential consideration.
      Although no clients have as yet come forward, requested appointments or even phoned the clinic, Yoskovitz is confident that the Taser procedure will become an accepted therapeutic intervention and invited our reporter to view his new operating theatre and Taser unit. "It's a real eye-opener," he said.

Soooo Confused!

Kosovo Refugee Goes Mad!

New York
Benjamin Yoskovitzovic, a Kosovo refugee, is a recent immigrant to this country. After deciding to put down roots in New York, he had been adapting very well. Tragically, his luck ran out last week in a poignant reminder that a new home, away from the ravishes of wars and ethnic cleansing, is not always easy.
      Yoskovitzovic had always believed that he was born to an Albanian father and a Croation mother. He just discovered the awful truth. He had been adopted as a young boy! Yoskovitzovic had, in fact, grown up as the child of an Albanian father from Kosovo and a Croatian mother from Slovenia but his natural parents were a Serbian father from Bosnia and a Macedonian mother from Herzegovina.
      Yoskovitzovic, after being apprehended for burning down his own house, was admitted to The New York Mental Hospital suffering from multiple personality disorder.

Lingerie Marketing Campaign Flops

Director Fired

From the NFY Business Desk
Benjamin Yoskovitz, Marketing Director of the global ladies lingerie empire, Victoria's Secretions, has been unceremoniously fired after ten years of loyal service to the company. As a result of a sales campaign that has gone surprisingly wrong, damaged the company's reputation and sent sales spiraling downwards, this pillar of the business community has been told that his services were no longer required.
      "A lot of research went into the planning of this campaign," said Yoskovitz in a tearful interview with NFY reporter, Mark Antony. "I had heard that New York had very beautiful girls, so I set up auditions there and picked a lovely lady to model the new lingerie line. I also know that nowadays tattoos are sexy. So the girl I selected had to have one. Take a look at the marketing poster (pictured here). The lingerie is beautiful, the model is gorgeous." sniffed Mr. Yoskovitz, "What happened? Maybe the the lingerie should have been baby blue or white instead of red. I just don't know."

U.S.A. Flexes Its Muscles

Pax Americana?

United Nations: Yet another capitulation was obtained yesterday by America's new "Get Tough" policy. In a surprising move, North Korea agreed to unilaterally terminate its long-range missile program, and allow U.N. observers to monitor the destruction of all existing stocks.
      This follows Tuesday's announcement by Iran that it would begin dismantling its nuclear facilities forthwith and suspend further development indefinitely. At the time, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad complained bitterly that there was no longer a level playing field, and that the Iranian people would have to learn to adapt to the new world order.
      North Korea's Kim Jong II had tears in his eyes as he addressed his people in Kim II Sung Square. "Imperialist American dogs have new weapon. Proletariat comrades weep million tears."
      "In what is seen by political observers as a masterstroke, the decision to outsource the President's job to India has struck fear into the hearts of America's enemies, who realise that they will now face a cohesive, strategically crafted foreign policy for the first time in decades," said political analyst Benjamin Yoskovitz. "The added threat to outsource the jobs of Dick Cheney and Robert Gates has America's foes reeling."