IN FOCUS
McCartney Split Good for Some
Reputed marijuana dealer, Benjamin Yoskovitz, rejoiced at the news of Paul McCartney's separation from wife Heather Mills.
"My revenues in the last four years were down at least 50%," said Yoskovitz, who officially claims to be a seller of antiques on eBay. "We all know how much McCartney loves...er, antiques...but his wife insisted that they spend all his money on saving seals or some such nonsense," added Yoskovitz, smiling broadly.
It's over!
Street Racing Fears
New York police chief, Benjamin Yoskovitz has been heavily criticized for not doing enough to stop the dangerous pastime of street racing in local residential neighborhoods. Defending the police force's record, Chief Yoskovitz, in a press conference yesterday said, "Our force is the best. We have had great success in stopping street racing. Just last week, a camera caught these people racing and although we didn't catch them because the officer lost control and totaled the patrol car, we almost have a positive identification and arrests are expected within the next six months or so."
Very dangerous....
World Power-boat Racing Championships
Yesterday's final event was the gruelling 75km race around St. Lucia. The favourite, the United States's Benjamin Yoskovitz, was leading the field when he suddenly swerved off course and destroyed his boat on a coral reef. Nobody was seriously injured but Yoskovitz later told reporters that he was certain that his arch-rival, Al Jones, had planned and paid for the Sea-Doo rider (pictured below) to be cruising over the reef, just by the course.
Al Jones, the eventual winner, denied any wrongdoing, saying that Yoskovitz had a history of chasing after fast women.
Siren of the seas!
Autobiography of normal
As celebrities cash in on their autobiographies on reality shows, an international publisher has contracted Benjamin Yoskovitz to write a book about his own, very dull, normal life, chronicling his daily routine in excruciating detail.
A riveting preview in a New York newspaper revealed that Yoskovitz was chosen to write his autobiography because of the utter normality of his existence. Books by all his relatives and friends are soon to follow.
Can't Put It Down!
Designer Dead!
New York police made a grisly discovery in the early morning hours yesterday. Fashion designer Benjaminino Yoskovitzacci's body was found hanging from a beam with 22 stab wounds in the chest, abdomen, face and head. Police suspect suicide but are not ruling out foul play.
The victim's spouse, Bettie Smith, said in a tearful interview, "Benjaminino was such a warm, sexy and sensual person. And he so enjoyed flirting with the models."
An Awful Find!
An E Makes a Difference!
Geneva:
While researching some of the later work of famed psychiatrist, Sigmund Freud, forensic scientists have made an incredible discovery.
A letter sent by Dr. Freud to his publisher, Leck, Shmekle and Shpay, clearly admonishes the printer for spelling mistakes made in all of his books.
Head Researcher, Mark Antony, explained, "The publisher inserted the letter 'E' where it should have been an 'I'. Therefore it seems that everything is really about 6."
Japanese Purchase Resort!
In a surprise take-over, a Japanese conglomerate yesterday completed purchase of the Club Bed Resort Company, for an undisclosed amount. Club Bed has exclusive resorts all over the world and last year made huge profits. CEO of the Japanese mega-company, Benjaminiko Yoskovitzuki, said in a press release yesterday from the lavish company headquarters located in beautiful, downtown New York, "We are an aggressive organization, always looking to acquire any company that furthers the purchase and use of cameras."
Time Travel Discovered
World famous scientist Mark Antony has created a remarkable invention. Time travel has been tried throughout history and now appears possible through this incredible technology. Further testing by independent agencies is planned for early next year but most experts are skeptical.
In a telephone interview, Antony's assistant, Al Jones was asked when Antony would be able to grant a face-to-face session with NFY reporters. Al responded, "With all the media attention, Mark is extremely busy and is only available for interviews last week."
DaVinci Code Panned
Christian evangelists are thrilled as most movie critics are slamming The DaVinci Code. "It's proof that the movie is blasphemous," says televangelist Pat Robertson. "Critics are insulted by the falsities of the movie, so they're giving it bad reviews."
Noted film-buff, Mark Antony, disagrees, and believes The DaVinci Code to be completely true. Antony points to the fact that plenty of other quality non-fiction and biographical movies have been inappropriately slammed by critics, including Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, Gigli, and Antony's own Backyard B.B.Q. with Friends (1989, 8mm version).
Cartoon ....Khartoum
Iranian film director Assami Bin Yoskovitz has announced plans to begin production of his country's first full length animated feature film.The movie, entitled "OH SAMMY, WHERE ART THOU?" follows the hilarious madcap adventures of a bumbling Al'Qaeda suicide bomber as he travels throughout the world trying to blow up various targets, as well as himself.
The director has already cast the characters' voices, but their identities are being kept secret because several of them are in hiding somewhere in the mountains of Afghanistan.
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Iraqi Kidnapping
Can Now Be Revealed!
One captive pictured here
From the NFY Political Desk
It can now be revealed that Al'Jazeera had released a harrowing videotape from a previously unknown group calling itself The Martyrs for Brief Liberation, showing two pairs of underwear being held by this group. Although in shackles and blindfolded, the underwear did not seem to have been mistreated. Unidentified for the longest time, one is obviously male, the other female, although its owner could possibly have been a cross-dresser, the army admitted. The clothing was apparently grabbed from a clothesline in a US compound with the help of someone on the inside.
The Martyrs had demanded all Muslim underwear held in captivity to be immediately released. President Bush had always said that he would not bow to blackmail or negotiate with terrorists.
Speaking on condition of anonymity and off the record, Benjamin Yoskovitz, Spokesperson for Coalition Forces, had told NFY reporter, Al Jones, "Not everyone is happy with Bush's stance. He can say what he wants, but it's not his shorts on the line."
Airline to Boost Sales
And what about safety!
Fly the friendly skies!
From the NFY Business Desk
CEO of Trans Airbag New York, Benjamin Yoskovitz, announced steps to make flying more pleasant. Yoskovitz demonstrated with before and after examples of loudspeaker instructions. The audience was impressed as the before announcement sounded like "We are experiencing mechanical difficulties. Fasten your blat zeep zap grunch". The new announcement sounds like "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, we are experiencing mechanical difficulties. PLEASE fasten your blat zeep zap grunch".
Also, First Class passengers could choose a screaming, vomiting baby or an obese, sweaty person sitting next to them but Economy passengers would have no choice.
A seat sale for passengers traveling from New York to Kandahar was also announced. Teeth-breaking, dust-dry raisins replace the usual teeth-breaking, dust-dry peanuts. As the audience left, Yoskovitz stood by the exit saying, "Bye-bye, bye-bye".
Pakistan Crisis Deepening
Obama moves to quell riots
Submissive, even as a child
U.S.President Barak Obama yesterday named Benjamin Yoskovitz of New York as special envoy to Pakistan. He will be flying into Islamabad tomorrow to meet with opposition leaders and local judiciary officials.
With the country under emergency rule, and a suspended constitution, all symbols of democracy are now gone. Unlike other efforts, however, Yoskovitz's task will be to persuade those people still resisting the Pakistani President to simply accept the existing situation.
Yoskovitz has a wealth of experience in submissive behaviour, ranging from several career postings as a yes-man and sycophantic boot-licker, to his personal relationship with his spouse, Bettie. "There has been no democracy, freedom of speech, or power sharing right from the start of our relationship," he told reporters, while dabbing a recently-acquired black eye with a piece of steak. "What's wrong with that? Autocracy has its merits. You don't have to take responsibility for anything, worry about finances, or make difficult decisions and stuff like that."
Airline Discrimination!
All too common!
Ooooh Yummmmy!
NFY Business Desk
The recent trend of charging a 50 to 100 per cent premium on airline seats for severly overweight passengers has now become a common practice with most major air carriers. Also, the trend towards smaller and healthier in-flight meals has resulted in an overall unpleasant travel experience for the obese flyer.
In an effort to cater to this segment of the flying population, a group of local investors have announced plans to start up a specialty airline. Spokesperson for the newly formed "Trans Fat Airways", Benjamin Yoskovitz explained: "We're going to take a Boeing 747 and put in really big seats, and really big aisles, four feet wide, maybe even five feet wide. The meals will also be gigantic and the bathrooms will be humongous. Even the stewardesses will be big."
When asked about the pricing policy, agent Yoskovitz replied, "We are going to charge those fatties by the pound."
Designing for Women Drivers!
Now that's Intelligent!
Cars for the Ladies!
From the NFY Business Desk
Citing the need to reverse the trend of falling car sales, and increase the share of domestically-built automobiles, American car manufacturers will begin designing cars specifically targetting female drivers. "We have been ignoring one-half of our potential customers for too long", said Benjamin Yoskovitz, Marketing Manager at Ford Motors.
Based on the Focus, the new Ford Fallopia will feature such options as driver's-side headrests equipped with hair dryer vents, gas filler ports on both sides of the car and a retractable stickshift which can be ignored when the driver is on her cell phone, adjusting her skirt or putting on makeup and just not in the mood to shift.
Other manufacturers are expected to follow suit and unveil prototypes of their own gender-specific automobiles such as the Chrysler Cloitus and the Oldsmobile Ovarium.
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Film To Be Missed By Millions
Al Jones
Field Reporter
A New York man has been chosen to star in a depressing independent film that nobody will see. "Apparently they're looking for 'regular people' to highlight the true nature of mankind," said Benjamin Yoskovitz, who appears as 'Leslie,' a gay plumber in the film, entitled "47 Conversations About Nothing."
The film will be released simultaneously to theaters, DVD, TV and bootleggers. "We want to provide as many people as possible the opportunity to not see it," said Yoskovitz, who apparently had some tough competition for the role, including more than a dozen street hobos, two convicted killers, and several cardboard cutouts.
When released, many Film Academy members are planning to use the free DVDs as coasters.
Family Suffers While Man Trapped In Movie
Al Jones
Field Reporter
Area residents have been asked to contribute to a fund-raiser for a New York man who's become trapped in a summer blockbuster.
Benjamin Yoskovitz says he knew something was amiss when, three times in the same week, he found himself having to outrun a tremendous fireball. He was also pursued through his neighborhood by a giant spaceship, a Tyrannosaurus Rex and Tom Hanks.
"I think some of them might have been Computer Generated Images, but it was still pretty scary," said Yoskovitz.
The fund-raiser will benefit Yoskovitz's spouse, Bettie, who has found it difficult to fend for herself while Yoskovitz dodges car chases and super-heroes. Although "if he were Brad Pitt, I could live with it," she noted.
Man Makes Deal With Devil, Gets Cat Food
Al Jones
Field Reporter
A New York man's deal with the devil has left him with a lifetime supply of cat food. "I knew I should have gone with Door No. 2!" said Benjamin Yoskovitz, who chose Door No. 1 and got the cat food, rather than Door No. 2, which hid a new Mercedes. "Of course, Door No. 3 was eternal damnation, so I guess I should count my blessings," noted Yoskovitz.
Yoskovitz was chosen to wager his heavenly soul in a quest for fame and fortune after lighting 666 candles arranged in the shape of a pentagram, and returning the questionnaire with an 8x10 glossy. He says he found the devil "intimidating," but "not as bad as that really creepy woman from 'Weakest Link.'"
Fear Factor Finalist Freaks
Al Jones
Field Reporter
New York resident Benjamin Yoskovitz was on the brink of winning the grand prize of $50,000 as he entered the final round of Fear Factor, the smash-hit TV show which preys upon the physical and psychological phobias of its contestants.
In previous episodes, Benjamin had successfully eaten poisonous toads, been covered with hundreds of tarantulas, and been towed as a live bait for great white sharks.
Yesterday's challenge proved too much, however, for our local hero. When asked to go on a date with the now-single Heather Mills McCartney, Yoskovitz visibly blanched, trembled at the knees and dry retched, before declining. "Every man has his breaking point," he told reporters.
Man Sucks iPod In Through His Nose
Al Jones
Field Reporter
A local resident was hospitalized this week when he accidentally inhaled his iPod Nano.
"Da ting is jush so dahn shmall," said Benjamin Yoskovitz, his speech still impaired from where the tiny electronic music player had blocked his sinuses. "I shud hab nevah shecked to shee what it shmelled like."
According to the Apple Corp., makers of the Nano, accidental inhalation of their products has become more and more common, the smaller they've become. "But this is the first one we've heard of that's actually made it past the nasal membrane," said an Apple spokesman, clearly impressed.
Fortunately, doctors were able to find the Nano by following the earphone cord, which was dangling from the victim's left nostril.
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Greed Pays!
Last night, in New York, loan-shark boss Benjamin Yoskovitz announced plans to lower interest rates on outstanding loan balances to a respectable five percent from seven percent per week.
In an exclusive interview with NFY reporter, Al Jones, Yoskovitz appeared in a darkened room with his face turned from the camera and his voice disguised by a scrambler. He added that in order to stay competitive with other major money lenders he was immediately reducing the penalty on overdue payments by 50%, from two broken legs to one.
Stingy? Not Him!
Putting to rest his widespread reputation for stinginess, lottery winner, Benjamin Yoskovitz announced that he would donate his $10 million lottery win to charity, of course once all his expenses were paid, creditors satisfied and his new condo in New York completed. He estimated the remainder to be "well into four figures".
When asked about what he intended to do about all the begging letters, Mr. Yoskovitz told NFY reporters that he saw no reason to change the habits of a lifetime and that he would continue to send them out, as usual.
Rags to Riches
Benjamin Yoskovitz, self made millionaire, was feted yesterday by the Business Acumen Recognition Foundation (BARF).
Mr. Yoskovitz described how his hard childhood prepared him for business. When his blind, widowed mother became crippled with arthritis, Yoskovitz, then aged 32, moved out and using her pension, formed Orphans.Org, a non-profit charity providing holiday trips for deprived children.
A solicitation campaign featuring a lottery allowing kids to win the trips brought in $20 million last year. Mr. Yoskovitz described the absolute delight of both of last year's trip winners.
Heartless Behavior
Charity workers, campaigning door-to-door for the ''Relief Fund for New York Widows and Orphans'' were verbally abused and threatened by resident Benjamin Yoskovitz yesterday. Mr. Yoskovitz became incensed and suggested that the workhouse should be re-instituted for such people.
Apparently overwrought by the confrontation, he was taken to New York General Hospital suffering from severe chest pains. Fearing cardiac arrest, doctors performed exploratory surgery, but were amazed to find he actually had no heart. Records subsequently showed that the organ had been removed in 2002 at Mr. Yoskovitz's own request.
Hypochondriac Cure
In this month's respected medical journal "The Lancet", doctors claim a breakthrough in treating "Benjamin Yoskovitz Syndrome". The medical world has been baffled for years by the case of Mr. Yoskovitz from New York, the United States, who suffered symptoms of multiple ailments and diseases, often simultaneously or in rapid succession. Neither self-medication nor professional treatment brought any relief.
Recent studies have identified a small gland in the front lobe of the brain which acts as an attention seeker, triggering the symptoms. Removing the gland has proven 100% successful.
In unrelated news, pharmaceutical stocks fall sharply.
Virus can be Vanquished
Doctors throughout the United States are concerned about the New York virus expected to hit next winter.
Dr. Benjamin Yoskovitz, the government's Chief Epidemiologist, stated that the virus causes sneezing, low-grade fever and slight headaches but, as a result of hard work by researchers and massive government grants, a vaccine is available.
Although the vaccine can cause side effects such as lung, liver and heart failure, convulsions, genital gangrene and facial decay, Yoskovitz urged everyone, especially members of the Sharia 'R' Us Support Group, to get inoculated.
For Menopausal Women
A joint study by the National Bureau of Good Food and Department of Redundancy Department has given hope to menopausal women.
Benjamin Yoskovitz led the study that followed 100,000 women to gather information, statistics and pictures. Yoskovitz, in a news conference, announced that junk food reduces stress and hot flashes if taken with large amounts of wine. Women have been waiting for such a breakthrough for generations.
Yoskovitz added that the pictures were available for sale on EBay.
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