IN FOCUS
Director Nixes Poster
The Florida Everglades Resort and Trailer Park has announced that it has hired New York native, Benjamin Yoskovitz as Marketing Director responsible for the Parks new publicity campaign. Although the Parks official promotional poster (pictured below) was expensive to create, Yoskovitz pulled the poster from the campaign, stating in a press release, that it might lead tourists to falsely believe that the Park supplied lawn chairs, sunglasses and music headphones. These items, Yoskovitz insisted, were solely the responsibility of the Park visitor.
Parks Promo Poster
Flood Destroys City
A massive flood inundated New York yesterday. The cause of the floodwaters has been traced to a blocked toilet in an upscale hotel where Benjamin Yoskovitz was staying for a brief holiday. Analysis of the ruined plumbing system revealed that massive quantities of junk food mixed with large volumes of cheap beer in human waste caused the blockage.
The mayor of New York, Al Jones, was unavailable for comment.
The floodgates opened !
Taking Years Off!
Medical Researcher Mark Antony claims to have discovered a way to reverse the aging process.
At a news conference Dr. Antony explained, "Modern medicine has evolved to the point where we can change our organs, change our appearance, and even change gender; so why not change our age also? To that end, I have opened the world's first age reassignment clinic. Just bring in your Birth Certificate and
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Deceiving Appearances!
Designer Dead!
New York police made a grisly discovery in the early morning hours yesterday. Fashion designer Benjaminino Yoskovitzacci's body was found hanging from a beam with 22 stab wounds in the chest, abdomen, face and head. Police suspect suicide but are not ruling out foul play.
The victim's spouse, Bettie Smith, said in a tearful interview, "Benjaminino was such a warm, sexy and sensual person. And he so enjoyed flirting with the models."
An Awful Find!
Hole-in-None
The final day of the Augusta National PGA tournament was a real nail-biter. New York sensation Benjamin Yoskovitz, up by two strokes on Tiger Woods, hit a hole-in-one at the 17th green, and looked set to take the trophy.
However, from force of habit when playing with his New York buddies, he automatically marked one stroke less on his golf card. The error was picked up by course officials, and he was unfortunately disqualified.
Cheating never pays!
Cartoon ....Khartoum
Iranian film director Assami Bin Yoskovitz has announced plans to begin production of his country's first full length animated feature film.The movie, entitled "OH SAMMY, WHERE ART THOU?" follows the hilarious madcap adventures of a bumbling Al'Qaeda suicide bomber as he travels throughout the world trying to blow up various targets, as well as himself.
The director has already cast the characters' voices, but their identities are being kept secret because several of them are in hiding somewhere in the mountains of Afghanistan.
Japanese Purchase Resort!
In a surprise take-over, a Japanese conglomerate yesterday completed purchase of the Club Bed Resort Company, for an undisclosed amount. Club Bed has exclusive resorts all over the world and last year made huge profits. CEO of the Japanese mega-company, Benjaminiko Yoskovitzuki, said in a press release yesterday from the lavish company headquarters located in beautiful, downtown New York, "We are an aggressive organization, always looking to acquire any company that furthers the purchase and use of cameras."
DaVinci Code Panned
Christian evangelists are thrilled as most movie critics are slamming The DaVinci Code. "It's proof that the movie is blasphemous," says televangelist Pat Robertson. "Critics are insulted by the falsities of the movie, so they're giving it bad reviews."
Noted film-buff, Mark Antony, disagrees, and believes The DaVinci Code to be completely true. Antony points to the fact that plenty of other quality non-fiction and biographical movies have been inappropriately slammed by critics, including Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, Gigli, and Antony's own Backyard B.B.Q. with Friends (1989, 8mm version).
An E Makes a Difference!
Geneva:
While researching some of the later work of famed psychiatrist, Sigmund Freud, forensic scientists have made an incredible discovery.
A letter sent by Dr. Freud to his publisher, Leck, Shmekle and Shpay, clearly admonishes the printer for spelling mistakes made in all of his books.
Head Researcher, Mark Antony, explained, "The publisher inserted the letter 'E' where it should have been an 'I'. Therefore it seems that everything is really about 6."
Time Travel Discovered
World famous scientist Mark Antony has created a remarkable invention. Time travel has been tried throughout history and now appears possible through this incredible technology. Further testing by independent agencies is planned for early next year but most experts are skeptical.
In a telephone interview, Antony's assistant, Al Jones was asked when Antony would be able to grant a face-to-face session with NFY reporters. Al responded, "With all the media attention, Mark is extremely busy and is only available for interviews last week."
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Soooo Confused!
Kosovo Refugee Goes Mad!
Sad Place!
New York
Benjamin Yoskovitzovic, a Kosovo refugee, is a recent immigrant to this country. After deciding to put down roots in New York, he had been adapting very well. Tragically, his luck ran out last week in a poignant reminder that a new home, away from the ravishes of wars and ethnic cleansing, is not always easy.
Yoskovitzovic had always believed that he was born to an Albanian father and a Croation mother. He just discovered the awful truth. He had been adopted as a young boy! Yoskovitzovic had, in fact, grown up as the child of an Albanian father from Kosovo and a Croatian mother from Slovenia but his natural parents were a Serbian father from Bosnia and a Macedonian mother from Herzegovina.
Yoskovitzovic, after being apprehended for burning down his own house, was admitted to The New York Mental Hospital suffering from multiple personality disorder.
An Incredible Entrepreneur!
New York is Proud!
A Worthy Recipient!
The New York Chamber of Commerce has announced the recipient of the Dumbest Entrepreneur of the Year Award. Local resident and complete idiot, Mr. Benjamin Yoskovitz was the undisputed winner by virtue of his poor business decisions and last year's large financial losses. Although he faced stiff competition, it was his investment in a school for seeing eye chickens that cemented his win.
Last years recipients, Sam and Ella Towmain, whose seafood restaurant which bore their name closed after only two weeks, were on hand to see Yoskovitz receive his award. The president of the Chamber of Commerce, Al Jones presented Yoskovitz with a $5000 check along with the names of some good financial advisors.
When asked if he had any idea what to do with the money, Yoskovitz replied that he was thinking of opening a kosher bakery in Tehran or, if he could find some partners, a chain of dog grooming studios in Korea.
Man Builds Democracy In Back Yard!
A Noble Citizen!
Used to be Worse!
Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, a local man says he soon expects to see democracy flourishing in his backyard.
"It's hard, tough work," said Benjamin Yoskovitz of New York, whose backyard is currently riddled with tall, unruly patches of grass, children's playthings and piles left by neighborhood dogs. "But if we give up now, then the lawn has won."
Yoskovitz first proposed installing order and democracy in his yard three summers ago, when he convinced his spouse of the need to purchase a John Deere X340 Lawn Tractor (MSRP: $4,999) to deal with an "out-of-control lawn" that threatened their "very way of life." The campaign apparently went well until a fan belt broke on the X340 and Yoskovitz, rather than getting it repaired, opted to watch golf on TV. Now the crabgrass, unsightly brown patches and renegade chinch bugs are fighting amongst themselves, but Yoskovitz says the battle can still be won, "or at least put off until everything is covered with snow."
Music In the Can? Yes, You Can!
Plug in while unplugging
Just don't drop it!
Trying to catch the growing wave of business surrounding Apple's iPod, a new company, PoopTech has released the iPot, a specially-designed toilet with an iPod docking station. The toilet was recently made available to a test market in New York, where Benjamin Yoskovitz was one of the first customers.
"I'm in love with my iPod. I can't live without it," said Yoskovitz fondling the device amicably. "And, if I can, I take it wherever I go. And now, I can take it whenever I go!"
According to PoopTech, the iPot has a number of unique features. Spokesperson Mark Antony noted, "The iPot detects when a loud noise is about to emanate from the person sitting on it, and alerts the docked iPod to increase the volume." The company also claims the iPot will vibrate according to the mood of the music, although several early adopters, including Yoskovitz, have experienced problems with the feature. Yoskovitz said, "I was listening to some ripping techno beats and the iPot nearly shook me off the seat."
Pakistan Crisis Deepening
Obama moves to quell riots
Submissive, even as a child
U.S.President Barak Obama yesterday named Benjamin Yoskovitz of New York as special envoy to Pakistan. He will be flying into Islamabad tomorrow to meet with opposition leaders and local judiciary officials.
With the country under emergency rule, and a suspended constitution, all symbols of democracy are now gone. Unlike other efforts, however, Yoskovitz's task will be to persuade those people still resisting the Pakistani President to simply accept the existing situation.
Yoskovitz has a wealth of experience in submissive behaviour, ranging from several career postings as a yes-man and sycophantic boot-licker, to his personal relationship with his spouse, Bettie. "There has been no democracy, freedom of speech, or power sharing right from the start of our relationship," he told reporters, while dabbing a recently-acquired black eye with a piece of steak. "What's wrong with that? Autocracy has its merits. You don't have to take responsibility for anything, worry about finances, or make difficult decisions and stuff like that."
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Spat Over Bull!
Al Jones
Field Reporter
TV celebrities Benjamin Yoskovitz and his spouse Bettie Smith continued to publicly display their tempestuous relationship this week-end.
Walking around the annual New York Agricultural Show, Ms. Smith was intrigued by a huge breeding bull, over which hung a sign indicating that it had mated more than 300 times last year. She was overheard to bringing this to Benjamin's attention, teasingly saying that perhaps he could learn something from the animal.
Mr. Yoskovitz, perhaps using an unfortunate choice of words, openly doubted that it was with the same cow each time.
He is currently in a local hospital recovering from multiple abrasions and contusions to his face and neck. A full recovery is expected.
Rapper's Release 'Inspired'
Al Jones
Field Reporter
Rap singer, Benjamin Yoskovitz, after a number of poor albums, has come up with an exciting and innovative release. The CD cleverly combines rural African rhythms and urban sounds from the United States - something unique in a rap release. Sounds of water dripping and splashing, paper tearing and trucks backfiring are all part of this creative work.
During a recent tour promoting the album, Yoskovitz commented on the inspiration for its content. "During our last gig here in New York, I got food poisoning after eating sushi. I spent almost three days and nights in the bathroom and the emotions and inspiration just seemed to flow out of me."
The album, simply entitled 'Yoskovitz Unplugged', will be on sale tomorrow.
Man Sucks iPod In Through His Nose
Al Jones
Field Reporter
A local resident was hospitalized this week when he accidentally inhaled his iPod Nano.
"Da ting is jush so dahn shmall," said Benjamin Yoskovitz, his speech still impaired from where the tiny electronic music player had blocked his sinuses. "I shud hab nevah shecked to shee what it shmelled like."
According to the Apple Corp., makers of the Nano, accidental inhalation of their products has become more and more common, the smaller they've become. "But this is the first one we've heard of that's actually made it past the nasal membrane," said an Apple spokesman, clearly impressed.
Fortunately, doctors were able to find the Nano by following the earphone cord, which was dangling from the victim's left nostril.
Film To Be Missed By Millions
Al Jones
Field Reporter
A New York man has been chosen to star in a depressing independent film that nobody will see. "Apparently they're looking for 'regular people' to highlight the true nature of mankind," said Benjamin Yoskovitz, who appears as 'Leslie,' a gay plumber in the film, entitled "47 Conversations About Nothing."
The film will be released simultaneously to theaters, DVD, TV and bootleggers. "We want to provide as many people as possible the opportunity to not see it," said Yoskovitz, who apparently had some tough competition for the role, including more than a dozen street hobos, two convicted killers, and several cardboard cutouts.
When released, many Film Academy members are planning to use the free DVDs as coasters.
Family Suffers While Man Trapped In Movie
Al Jones
Field Reporter
Area residents have been asked to contribute to a fund-raiser for a New York man who's become trapped in a summer blockbuster.
Benjamin Yoskovitz says he knew something was amiss when, three times in the same week, he found himself having to outrun a tremendous fireball. He was also pursued through his neighborhood by a giant spaceship, a Tyrannosaurus Rex and Tom Hanks.
"I think some of them might have been Computer Generated Images, but it was still pretty scary," said Yoskovitz.
The fund-raiser will benefit Yoskovitz's spouse, Bettie, who has found it difficult to fend for herself while Yoskovitz dodges car chases and super-heroes. Although "if he were Brad Pitt, I could live with it," she noted.
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Greed Pays!
Last night, in New York, loan-shark boss Benjamin Yoskovitz announced plans to lower interest rates on outstanding loan balances to a respectable five percent from seven percent per week.
In an exclusive interview with NFY reporter, Al Jones, Yoskovitz appeared in a darkened room with his face turned from the camera and his voice disguised by a scrambler. He added that in order to stay competitive with other major money lenders he was immediately reducing the penalty on overdue payments by 50%, from two broken legs to one.
Stingy? Not Him!
Putting to rest his widespread reputation for stinginess, lottery winner, Benjamin Yoskovitz announced that he would donate his $10 million lottery win to charity, of course once all his expenses were paid, creditors satisfied and his new condo in New York completed. He estimated the remainder to be "well into four figures".
When asked about what he intended to do about all the begging letters, Mr. Yoskovitz told NFY reporters that he saw no reason to change the habits of a lifetime and that he would continue to send them out, as usual.
Rags to Riches
Benjamin Yoskovitz, self made millionaire, was feted yesterday by the Business Acumen Recognition Foundation (BARF).
Mr. Yoskovitz described how his hard childhood prepared him for business. When his blind, widowed mother became crippled with arthritis, Yoskovitz, then aged 32, moved out and using her pension, formed Orphans.Org, a non-profit charity providing holiday trips for deprived children.
A solicitation campaign featuring a lottery allowing kids to win the trips brought in $20 million last year. Mr. Yoskovitz described the absolute delight of both of last year's trip winners.
Heartless Behavior
Charity workers, campaigning door-to-door for the ''Relief Fund for New York Widows and Orphans'' were verbally abused and threatened by resident Benjamin Yoskovitz yesterday. Mr. Yoskovitz became incensed and suggested that the workhouse should be re-instituted for such people.
Apparently overwrought by the confrontation, he was taken to New York General Hospital suffering from severe chest pains. Fearing cardiac arrest, doctors performed exploratory surgery, but were amazed to find he actually had no heart. Records subsequently showed that the organ had been removed in 2002 at Mr. Yoskovitz's own request.
Hypochondriac Cure
In this month's respected medical journal "The Lancet", doctors claim a breakthrough in treating "Benjamin Yoskovitz Syndrome". The medical world has been baffled for years by the case of Mr. Yoskovitz from New York, the United States, who suffered symptoms of multiple ailments and diseases, often simultaneously or in rapid succession. Neither self-medication nor professional treatment brought any relief.
Recent studies have identified a small gland in the front lobe of the brain which acts as an attention seeker, triggering the symptoms. Removing the gland has proven 100% successful.
In unrelated news, pharmaceutical stocks fall sharply.
Virus can be Vanquished
Doctors throughout the United States are concerned about the New York virus expected to hit next winter.
Dr. Benjamin Yoskovitz, the government's Chief Epidemiologist, stated that the virus causes sneezing, low-grade fever and slight headaches but, as a result of hard work by researchers and massive government grants, a vaccine is available.
Although the vaccine can cause side effects such as lung, liver and heart failure, convulsions, genital gangrene and facial decay, Yoskovitz urged everyone, especially members of the Sharia 'R' Us Support Group, to get inoculated.
For Menopausal Women
A joint study by the National Bureau of Good Food and Department of Redundancy Department has given hope to menopausal women.
Benjamin Yoskovitz led the study that followed 100,000 women to gather information, statistics and pictures. Yoskovitz, in a news conference, announced that junk food reduces stress and hot flashes if taken with large amounts of wine. Women have been waiting for such a breakthrough for generations.
Yoskovitz added that the pictures were available for sale on EBay.
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