IN FOCUS
Law Suit Looming!
A local man, Benjamin Yoskovitz, has filed a multi-million dollar lawsuit against the Florida Everglades Tourist Resort and Trailer Park. In his claim, Mr. Yoskovitz stated, that as a result of a vacation at the Resort when he was a youngster, he had since been unable to form meaningful, intimate relationships during his later teen years and adult life. Taking time off from his position as lead soprano singer for the New York Choir, Mr. Yoskovitz provided photographic evidence of his claim during an exclusive interview with NewsForYou reporter, Mark Antony.
Park at Fault?
Better than Lipstick
A local man, Benjamin Yoskovitz, has come up with a new use for a familiar household article. According to Yoskovitz, the common glue stick, because it is so similar in appearance to lipstick, makes an excellent gift for a wife or girlfriend.
The advantages of the glue stick over lipstick, said Yoskovitz, was that, as with any gift, it ingratiates the man to his girl, it comes in bright, colorful tube packaging, it's far cheaper than lipstick and if applied properly, keeps the noise down in the house.
Makes a great gift!
Street Racing Fears
New York police chief, Benjamin Yoskovitz has been heavily criticized for not doing enough to stop the dangerous pastime of street racing in local residential neighborhoods. Defending the police force's record, Chief Yoskovitz, in a press conference yesterday said, "Our force is the best. We have had great success in stopping street racing. Just last week, a camera caught these people racing and although we didn't catch them because the officer lost control and totaled the patrol car, we almost have a positive identification and arrests are expected within the next six months or so."
Very dangerous....
Director Nixes Poster
The Florida Everglades Resort and Trailer Park has announced that it has hired New York native, Benjamin Yoskovitz as Marketing Director responsible for the Parks new publicity campaign. Although the Parks official promotional poster (pictured below) was expensive to create, Yoskovitz pulled the poster from the campaign, stating in a press release, that it might lead tourists to falsely believe that the Park supplied lawn chairs, sunglasses and music headphones. These items, Yoskovitz insisted, were solely the responsibility of the Park visitor.
Parks Promo Poster
Pharma Shares Rising!
World Health Organization officials have recommended that the controversial new latex condom manufactured by New York Pharma be taken off the market. Apparently users have been developing allergies causing severe swelling when wearing the prophylactic.
Mark Antony, Production Manager at the New York facility, fielded reporters' questions, saying, "What's the problem?"
Sales have doubled since the WHO announcement and many pharmacies have no supplies left because of stockpiling by anxious customers.
Condom Selling Fast!
Japanese Purchase Resort!
In a surprise take-over, a Japanese conglomerate yesterday completed purchase of the Club Bed Resort Company, for an undisclosed amount. Club Bed has exclusive resorts all over the world and last year made huge profits. CEO of the Japanese mega-company, Benjaminiko Yoskovitzuki, said in a press release yesterday from the lavish company headquarters located in beautiful, downtown New York, "We are an aggressive organization, always looking to acquire any company that furthers the purchase and use of cameras."
Cartoon ....Khartoum
Iranian film director Assami Bin Yoskovitz has announced plans to begin production of his country's first full length animated feature film.The movie, entitled "OH SAMMY, WHERE ART THOU?" follows the hilarious madcap adventures of a bumbling Al'Qaeda suicide bomber as he travels throughout the world trying to blow up various targets, as well as himself.
The director has already cast the characters' voices, but their identities are being kept secret because several of them are in hiding somewhere in the mountains of Afghanistan.
An E Makes a Difference!
Geneva:
While researching some of the later work of famed psychiatrist, Sigmund Freud, forensic scientists have made an incredible discovery.
A letter sent by Dr. Freud to his publisher, Leck, Shmekle and Shpay, clearly admonishes the printer for spelling mistakes made in all of his books.
Head Researcher, Mark Antony, explained, "The publisher inserted the letter 'E' where it should have been an 'I'. Therefore it seems that everything is really about 6."
Time Travel Discovered
World famous scientist Mark Antony has created a remarkable invention. Time travel has been tried throughout history and now appears possible through this incredible technology. Further testing by independent agencies is planned for early next year but most experts are skeptical.
In a telephone interview, Antony's assistant, Al Jones was asked when Antony would be able to grant a face-to-face session with NFY reporters. Al responded, "With all the media attention, Mark is extremely busy and is only available for interviews last week."
DaVinci Code Panned
Christian evangelists are thrilled as most movie critics are slamming The DaVinci Code. "It's proof that the movie is blasphemous," says televangelist Pat Robertson. "Critics are insulted by the falsities of the movie, so they're giving it bad reviews."
Noted film-buff, Mark Antony, disagrees, and believes The DaVinci Code to be completely true. Antony points to the fact that plenty of other quality non-fiction and biographical movies have been inappropriately slammed by critics, including Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, Gigli, and Antony's own Backyard B.B.Q. with Friends (1989, 8mm version).
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Promising New Eye Treatment!
Myopics Everywhere Rejoice
Hope for Eye Problems
From the NFY Business Desk
Mark Antony, reporter
A local man, Benjamin Yoskovitz has opened an eye clinic in downtown New York called Benjamin's Taser Eye Surgery Clinic, which will provide a low-cost alternative to traditional laser techniques.
"Tasers are quick and effective," said Yoskovitz. "Preliminary studies have shown a good survival rate among patients, and although recovery time can take up to six months or more, we do provide white canes and free Braille lessons and in extreme cases, guide dogs."
Currently looking to hire qualified personnel, Yoskovitz indicated that ex-police officers of excitable dispositions often prove to be good candidates for this work and would be given preferential consideration.
Although no clients have as yet come forward, requested appointments or even phoned the clinic, Yoskovitz is confident that the Taser procedure will become an accepted therapeutic intervention and invited our reporter to view his new operating theatre and Taser unit. "It's a real eye-opener," he said.
An Incredible Entrepreneur!
New York is Proud!
A Worthy Recipient!
The New York Chamber of Commerce has announced the recipient of the Dumbest Entrepreneur of the Year Award. Local resident and complete idiot, Mr. Benjamin Yoskovitz was the undisputed winner by virtue of his poor business decisions and last year's large financial losses. Although he faced stiff competition, it was his investment in a school for seeing eye chickens that cemented his win.
Last years recipients, Sam and Ella Towmain, whose seafood restaurant which bore their name closed after only two weeks, were on hand to see Yoskovitz receive his award. The president of the Chamber of Commerce, Al Jones presented Yoskovitz with a $5000 check along with the names of some good financial advisors.
When asked if he had any idea what to do with the money, Yoskovitz replied that he was thinking of opening a kosher bakery in Tehran or, if he could find some partners, a chain of dog grooming studios in Korea.
Soooo Confused!
Kosovo Refugee Goes Mad!
Sad Place!
New York
Benjamin Yoskovitzovic, a Kosovo refugee, is a recent immigrant to this country. After deciding to put down roots in New York, he had been adapting very well. Tragically, his luck ran out last week in a poignant reminder that a new home, away from the ravishes of wars and ethnic cleansing, is not always easy.
Yoskovitzovic had always believed that he was born to an Albanian father and a Croation mother. He just discovered the awful truth. He had been adopted as a young boy! Yoskovitzovic had, in fact, grown up as the child of an Albanian father from Kosovo and a Croatian mother from Slovenia but his natural parents were a Serbian father from Bosnia and a Macedonian mother from Herzegovina.
Yoskovitzovic, after being apprehended for burning down his own house, was admitted to The New York Mental Hospital suffering from multiple personality disorder.
Pakistan Crisis Deepening
Obama moves to quell riots
Submissive, even as a child
U.S.President Barak Obama yesterday named Benjamin Yoskovitz of New York as special envoy to Pakistan. He will be flying into Islamabad tomorrow to meet with opposition leaders and local judiciary officials.
With the country under emergency rule, and a suspended constitution, all symbols of democracy are now gone. Unlike other efforts, however, Yoskovitz's task will be to persuade those people still resisting the Pakistani President to simply accept the existing situation.
Yoskovitz has a wealth of experience in submissive behaviour, ranging from several career postings as a yes-man and sycophantic boot-licker, to his personal relationship with his spouse, Bettie. "There has been no democracy, freedom of speech, or power sharing right from the start of our relationship," he told reporters, while dabbing a recently-acquired black eye with a piece of steak. "What's wrong with that? Autocracy has its merits. You don't have to take responsibility for anything, worry about finances, or make difficult decisions and stuff like that."
Iraqi Kidnapping
Can Now Be Revealed!
One captive pictured here
From the NFY Political Desk
It can now be revealed that Al'Jazeera had released a harrowing videotape from a previously unknown group calling itself The Martyrs for Brief Liberation, showing two pairs of underwear being held by this group. Although in shackles and blindfolded, the underwear did not seem to have been mistreated. Unidentified for the longest time, one is obviously male, the other female, although its owner could possibly have been a cross-dresser, the army admitted. The clothing was apparently grabbed from a clothesline in a US compound with the help of someone on the inside.
The Martyrs had demanded all Muslim underwear held in captivity to be immediately released. President Bush had always said that he would not bow to blackmail or negotiate with terrorists.
Speaking on condition of anonymity and off the record, Benjamin Yoskovitz, Spokesperson for Coalition Forces, had told NFY reporter, Al Jones, "Not everyone is happy with Bush's stance. He can say what he wants, but it's not his shorts on the line."
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Rapper's Release 'Inspired'
Al Jones
Field Reporter
Rap singer, Benjamin Yoskovitz, after a number of poor albums, has come up with an exciting and innovative release. The CD cleverly combines rural African rhythms and urban sounds from the United States - something unique in a rap release. Sounds of water dripping and splashing, paper tearing and trucks backfiring are all part of this creative work.
During a recent tour promoting the album, Yoskovitz commented on the inspiration for its content. "During our last gig here in New York, I got food poisoning after eating sushi. I spent almost three days and nights in the bathroom and the emotions and inspiration just seemed to flow out of me."
The album, simply entitled 'Yoskovitz Unplugged', will be on sale tomorrow.
New York Resident's Home Movies Available
Al Jones
Field Reporter
Benjamin Yoskovitz announced this week that his home videos will be available for download on the Internet for $19.95 each.
"This is the first time these videos have been made available for download," said Yoskovitz, noting that previously they could only be seen on the TV in his living room, and even then only by plugging his camcorder into the jack on the back of the TV, which was a big pain.
The videos - which show Yoskovitz on the beach, at a backyard barbecue and in various theme parks - are available through his own Web site, primarily because "iTunes wouldn't return my calls," he said. So far the site has received 25 hits, all from family members.
Man Makes Deal With Devil, Gets Cat Food
Al Jones
Field Reporter
A New York man's deal with the devil has left him with a lifetime supply of cat food. "I knew I should have gone with Door No. 2!" said Benjamin Yoskovitz, who chose Door No. 1 and got the cat food, rather than Door No. 2, which hid a new Mercedes. "Of course, Door No. 3 was eternal damnation, so I guess I should count my blessings," noted Yoskovitz.
Yoskovitz was chosen to wager his heavenly soul in a quest for fame and fortune after lighting 666 candles arranged in the shape of a pentagram, and returning the questionnaire with an 8x10 glossy. He says he found the devil "intimidating," but "not as bad as that really creepy woman from 'Weakest Link.'"
Man Sucks iPod In Through His Nose
Al Jones
Field Reporter
A local resident was hospitalized this week when he accidentally inhaled his iPod Nano.
"Da ting is jush so dahn shmall," said Benjamin Yoskovitz, his speech still impaired from where the tiny electronic music player had blocked his sinuses. "I shud hab nevah shecked to shee what it shmelled like."
According to the Apple Corp., makers of the Nano, accidental inhalation of their products has become more and more common, the smaller they've become. "But this is the first one we've heard of that's actually made it past the nasal membrane," said an Apple spokesman, clearly impressed.
Fortunately, doctors were able to find the Nano by following the earphone cord, which was dangling from the victim's left nostril.
Fear Factor Finalist Freaks
Al Jones
Field Reporter
New York resident Benjamin Yoskovitz was on the brink of winning the grand prize of $50,000 as he entered the final round of Fear Factor, the smash-hit TV show which preys upon the physical and psychological phobias of its contestants.
In previous episodes, Benjamin had successfully eaten poisonous toads, been covered with hundreds of tarantulas, and been towed as a live bait for great white sharks.
Yesterday's challenge proved too much, however, for our local hero. When asked to go on a date with the now-single Heather Mills McCartney, Yoskovitz visibly blanched, trembled at the knees and dry retched, before declining. "Every man has his breaking point," he told reporters.
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Greed Pays!
Last night, in New York, loan-shark boss Benjamin Yoskovitz announced plans to lower interest rates on outstanding loan balances to a respectable five percent from seven percent per week.
In an exclusive interview with NFY reporter, Al Jones, Yoskovitz appeared in a darkened room with his face turned from the camera and his voice disguised by a scrambler. He added that in order to stay competitive with other major money lenders he was immediately reducing the penalty on overdue payments by 50%, from two broken legs to one.
Stingy? Not Him!
Putting to rest his widespread reputation for stinginess, lottery winner, Benjamin Yoskovitz announced that he would donate his $10 million lottery win to charity, of course once all his expenses were paid, creditors satisfied and his new condo in New York completed. He estimated the remainder to be "well into four figures".
When asked about what he intended to do about all the begging letters, Mr. Yoskovitz told NFY reporters that he saw no reason to change the habits of a lifetime and that he would continue to send them out, as usual.
Rags to Riches
Benjamin Yoskovitz, self made millionaire, was feted yesterday by the Business Acumen Recognition Foundation (BARF).
Mr. Yoskovitz described how his hard childhood prepared him for business. When his blind, widowed mother became crippled with arthritis, Yoskovitz, then aged 32, moved out and using her pension, formed Orphans.Org, a non-profit charity providing holiday trips for deprived children.
A solicitation campaign featuring a lottery allowing kids to win the trips brought in $20 million last year. Mr. Yoskovitz described the absolute delight of both of last year's trip winners.
Heartless Behavior
Charity workers, campaigning door-to-door for the ''Relief Fund for New York Widows and Orphans'' were verbally abused and threatened by resident Benjamin Yoskovitz yesterday. Mr. Yoskovitz became incensed and suggested that the workhouse should be re-instituted for such people.
Apparently overwrought by the confrontation, he was taken to New York General Hospital suffering from severe chest pains. Fearing cardiac arrest, doctors performed exploratory surgery, but were amazed to find he actually had no heart. Records subsequently showed that the organ had been removed in 2002 at Mr. Yoskovitz's own request.
Hypochondriac Cure
In this month's respected medical journal "The Lancet", doctors claim a breakthrough in treating "Benjamin Yoskovitz Syndrome". The medical world has been baffled for years by the case of Mr. Yoskovitz from New York, the United States, who suffered symptoms of multiple ailments and diseases, often simultaneously or in rapid succession. Neither self-medication nor professional treatment brought any relief.
Recent studies have identified a small gland in the front lobe of the brain which acts as an attention seeker, triggering the symptoms. Removing the gland has proven 100% successful.
In unrelated news, pharmaceutical stocks fall sharply.
Virus can be Vanquished
Doctors throughout the United States are concerned about the New York virus expected to hit next winter.
Dr. Benjamin Yoskovitz, the government's Chief Epidemiologist, stated that the virus causes sneezing, low-grade fever and slight headaches but, as a result of hard work by researchers and massive government grants, a vaccine is available.
Although the vaccine can cause side effects such as lung, liver and heart failure, convulsions, genital gangrene and facial decay, Yoskovitz urged everyone, especially members of the Sharia 'R' Us Support Group, to get inoculated.
For Menopausal Women
A joint study by the National Bureau of Good Food and Department of Redundancy Department has given hope to menopausal women.
Benjamin Yoskovitz led the study that followed 100,000 women to gather information, statistics and pictures. Yoskovitz, in a news conference, announced that junk food reduces stress and hot flashes if taken with large amounts of wine. Women have been waiting for such a breakthrough for generations.
Yoskovitz added that the pictures were available for sale on EBay.
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