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Today's Weather:
Cloudy with sunny, rainy, snowy and foggy conditions. A thunderstorm and hail warning is in effect. Tonight, darkness expected.

NEW YORK | SUNDAY, JULY 06, 2008 | The Nation's Oldest Daily | Since last week
http://www.IGotNewsForYou.com
Today's Sports Scores:
12, 3, 4, 8, 67 and a 3 to 3 tie.

Today's Winning Lottery Numbers:
None of yours!

New York Man Strangled!

Local man found dead, his shorts wrapped tightly around his throat. Police say murder 'underwear settling of accounts'.

Public Notice

Benjamin Yoskovitz requests that his friends and family cease referring to his "beer belly". He prefers the term "liquid grain storage facility".

IN FOCUS

Museum Masterpiece!

World-renowned artist Benjaminano Yoskovitzini has his latest work currently displayed at the New York Museum of Fine Arts. Thousands of visitors have gazed upon this impressive creation entitled 'Camel in a Sandstorm'. It is a stark, visual, and emotionally moving canvas painted entirely in dramatic beige, with no lines or color variations to disturb the viewer's contemplation.
      The museum purchased the work for an undisclosed sum of $12.5M. "It's a steal!" says curator Al Jones.


It's there somewhere!

Cartoon ....Khartoum

Iranian film director Assami Bin Yoskovitz has announced plans to begin production of his country's first full length animated feature film.The movie, entitled "OH SAMMY, WHERE ART THOU?" follows the hilarious madcap adventures of a bumbling Al'Qaeda suicide bomber as he travels throughout the world trying to blow up various targets, as well as himself.
      The director has already cast the characters' voices, but their identities are being kept secret because several of them are in hiding somewhere in the mountains of Afghanistan.

Soooo Confused!

Kosovo Refugee Goes Mad!

        Sad Place!

New York
Benjamin Yoskovitzovic, a Kosovo refugee, is a recent immigrant to this country. After deciding to put down roots in New York, he had been adapting very well. Tragically, his luck ran out last week in a poignant reminder that a new home, away from the ravishes of wars and ethnic cleansing, is not always easy.
      Yoskovitzovic had always believed that he was born to an Albanian father and a Croation mother. He just discovered the awful truth. He had been adopted as a young boy! Yoskovitzovic had, in fact, grown up as the child of an Albanian father from Kosovo and a Croatian mother from Slovenia but his natural parents were a Serbian father from Bosnia and a Macedonian mother from Herzegovina.
      Yoskovitzovic, after being apprehended for burning down his own house, was admitted to The New York Mental Hospital suffering from multiple personality disorder.

Fear Factor Finalist Freaks

New York resident Benjamin Yoskovitz was on the brink of winning the grand prize of $50,000 as he entered the final round of Fear Factor, the smash-hit TV show which preys upon the physical and psychological phobias of its contestants.
      In previous episodes, Benjamin had successfully eaten poisonous toads, been covered with hundreds of tarantulas, and been towed as a live bait for great white sharks.
      Yesterday's challenge proved too much, however, for our local hero. When asked to go on a date with the now-single Heather Mills McCartney, Yoskovitz visibly blanched, trembled at the knees and dry retched, before declining. "Every man has his breaking point," he told reporters.

Greed Pays!

Last night, in New York, loan-shark boss Benjamin Yoskovitz announced plans to lower interest rates on outstanding loan balances to a respectable five percent from seven percent per week.
      In an exclusive interview with NFY reporter, Al Jones, Yoskovitz appeared in a darkened room with his face turned from the camera and his voice disguised by a scrambler. He added that in order to stay competitive with other major money lenders he was immediately reducing the penalty on overdue payments by 50%, from two broken legs to one.

* Mark Antony of the Clairvoyants Society has cancelled tonight's meeting due to unforeseen events. Page B8

* Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Al Jones, Crime Reporter

FOR SALE, by aspiring drag queen who has recently given up skydiving and watching TV...

Parachute, only used once, never opened, small stain.
Contact Benjamin Yoskovitz at New York Hospital, Rehabilitation Ward.

Benjamin Yoskovitz, engineer at Microsoft Advises New Business Grads!

"There are two rules for success. One: Don't tell all you know."