IN FOCUS
Team Fails Drug Test!
The four man bobsled team from the United States was disqualified today after failing a surprise blood doping test at the World Winter Competitions. Officials became suspicious when, at the start of the race, the four men refused to jump into their bobsled together. The blood test later revealed that the performance enhancing drug Viagra was present in all their tests.
"I ain't having no dude crouched up behind me in that state," said driver Benjamin Yoskovitz.
Disqualified!
McCartney Split Good for Some
Reputed marijuana dealer, Benjamin Yoskovitz, rejoiced at the news of Paul McCartney's separation from wife Heather Mills.
"My revenues in the last four years were down at least 50%," said Yoskovitz, who officially claims to be a seller of antiques on eBay. "We all know how much McCartney loves...er, antiques...but his wife insisted that they spend all his money on saving seals or some such nonsense," added Yoskovitz, smiling broadly.
It's over!
The Highlands of Scotland!
NFY travel reporter, Benjamin Yoskovitz has just returned from a two-week tour of Scotland and highly recommends a visit to that country. Yoskovitz writes, "The clouds and mist over the lochs, set against the majestic peaks of the Highlands, make a visit to the Scottish countryside not only memorable, but also unforgettable and one that will leave a picture etched in your mind for some time to come."
Well worth visiting
Watching the Watch Campaign
The market for luxury goods is busting out all over, and RollMe Watches Inc. is mounting an aggressive marketing campaign aimed at getting men to buy watches for their women. "These are high performance, classic pieces," says CEO, Benjamin Yoskovitz, "finely crafted, with delicate, precise movements encased in smoothly-sculpted, waterproof bodies. Wound and set by a gentle finger rotation on the small, delightfully-knurled protuberances, they will provide hours of unfailing pleasure." RollMe ads, such as the one pictured here, are starting to appear all over New York as the campaign launches.
And keeps time too...
World Power-boat Racing Championships
Yesterday's final event was the gruelling 75km race around St. Lucia. The favourite, the United States's Benjamin Yoskovitz, was leading the field when he suddenly swerved off course and destroyed his boat on a coral reef. Nobody was seriously injured but Yoskovitz later told reporters that he was certain that his arch-rival, Al Jones, had planned and paid for the Sea-Doo rider (pictured below) to be anchored over the reef, just by the course.
Al Jones, the eventual winner, denied any wrongdoing, saying that Yoskovitz had a history of being misled by wet pussy.
Siren of the seas!
Local Human Rights Abuse
Police are investigating a report that a New York man has been trying to sell his spouse on eBay. Benjamin Yoskovitz was arrested yesterday on charges of attempted human trafficking.
The eBay advertisement described Bettie Smith as being of peasant stock, strong and hard-working, requiring little in the way of food or clothing. Cash offers were invited as well as a possible trade-in for "two young nubile nymphomaniacs with large breasts, for frequent encounters with cultured gentleman of exquisite taste. Free room and board."
Pain in the Proverbial!
The Institute for Treating and Controlling Hemorrhoids (ITCH) held its Annual General Meeting yesterday.
Director Mathieu Amin deplored the lack of research funds for this condition. "We're at the bottom of every list for government help," Amin complained. "Another sore point is being the butt of piles of poor puns. We can't sit on this issue. We must act swiftly to sensitize the public."
The meeting concluded with a standing ovation and rousing rendition of the organization's theme song, "Ring of Fire."
Man Chucks All To Be Mascot
A New York man is raising eyebrows by quitting his job to become a professional mascot for the FA's Premier Division. "I know mascots are usually younger," said Benjamin Yoskovitz, tugging at the sleeves of his little uniform. "But it's always been a dream of mine. Well, the dream was really to play soccer, but unfortunately I suck."
Yoskovitz has seen some resistance from fans, who've poured beer on him and yelled "Get a real job, grandpa!" "It's only in fun," said Yoskovitz, noting that being a mascot is not just dribbling the ball onto the field for the players. "Sometimes I dribble in my pants, too."
Man Chucks All To Be Batboy
A New York man is raising eyebrows by quitting his job to become a professional batboy for Major League Baseball. "I know batboys are usually younger," said Benjamin Yoskovitz, tugging at the sleeves of his little uniform. "But it's always been a dream of mine. Well, the dream was really to play baseball, but unfortunately I suck."
Yoskovitz has seen some resistance from fans, who've poured beer on him and yelled "Get a real job, grandpa!" "It's only in fun," said Yoskovitz, noting that being a batboy is not just getting the players bats. "Sometimes I get them water."
A Local Hero!
Periodically, NewsForYou honors citizens who have displayed true bravery and courage in the face of extreme danger.
This month's mention goes to a local man, Benjamin Yoskovitz, who was recently pulled over by a female police officer for driving erratically.
According to the police report, acquired exclusively by NFY reporters, when the policewoman told Mr. Yoskovitz that anything he said could and would be held against him, Mr. Yoskovitz replied "Tits".
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Toolbox Deemed Dangerous Weapon
''Load of Bull'' sniffs Handyman
The toolbox in question
From the New York Police File
A local man has had his toolbox confiscated by authorities, who claim it was doing "more harm than good." Benjamin Yoskovitz is alleged to have been the mastermind behind a string of ill-fated home improvement projects, including a paint job that resulted in more than 47 distinct shades of "Blue Delphinium," and plumbing repairs that required a response from the New York Fire Department.
Authorities were brought in when Yoskovitz threatened to install ceiling fans in his home without the assistance of an electrician. "I just had to call them," said his spouse, Bettie Smith. "I couldn't stop thinking about the time he tried to replace the front porch light last summer - some neighborhoods are still without power."
For his part, Yoskovitz says he didn't deserve to have his toolbox confiscated. "I need that toolbox for some very important household projects," he said, applying a tourniquet to his thumb. "Besides, I think I may have dropped my car keys in it."
Vacation Pay? It Can!
Crime For Thrills!
Not as peaceful as it seems!
With the advent of extreme vacations, where people travel the globe for crazy experiences, a new form of vacation is emerging: crime holidays. "People go on these holidays to experience the thrill of lawbreaking," said Benjamin Yoskovitz, President of Crime Time Vacations.
According to Yoskovitz, bank- robbing holidays are most popular in Europe, where security is generally light. However, there is a hard core of extreme aficionados who are addicted to high-risk destinations, where punishment can be draconian. Yoskovitz cited the case of a client returning to P'yongyang where his wife was executed last year for stealing a carrot. "I know she'd want me to continue doing what we loved best," the man said.
Yoskovitz has recently introduced shop-lifting holidays across the country, with Wynona Rider as tour guide. For the budding white-collar criminal, a 3-day holiday package has been developed, with seminars on bilking stockholders and falsifying returns. Ex-Enron executives are being retained as advisors.
Yoskovitz Sets Rejection Record
Still Looking For Miss Right
Just Can't Win!
A New York man marked a personal milestone this week when he received his 1,000th rejection by a member of the opposite sex.
"Believe it or not, it sort of snuck up on me," said Benjamin Yoskovitz, who was turned down Friday by a woman who said she was "tired," and planned to continue being tired for the next several months. Over the course of the 1,000 rejections, Yoskovitz says has heard hundreds of different excuses, including, "That would be against my religion," "I would, but I'm pretty sure you're gay" and "I need to be faithful to my future husband who I haven't met yet." He also estimates his advances have been met with humiliating peals of laughter at least 200 times.
On the other hand, he's proud to note that despite his impressive rejection record, he has yet to log a single restraining order. "Bet you Al Jones can't say that!" noted Yoskovitz, in reference to his friend, who's wanted in six states and several other countries.
New Deodorant For Men!
No scents, no sense, say women
Smelly smelly smelly!
A new scent removal product just marketed is sure to strike fear into the the hearts of women everywhere. New "StripperBGone" spray by the makers of Febreeze promises to remove the distinct odors left on a man after visiting a strip club. "This is exactly what I've been waiting for," said New York's Benjamin Yoskovitz. "Now I don't have to rush to the bathroom and rub tomato sauce all over my body after coming home from, er, working late, you know..."
However, not everyone is singing the praises of this latest spray for men. Many women feel that this is a potentially deceptive tool in what they call "the war on fidelity". "Strippers smell like strippers for a reason," said Bettie Smith, Benjamin's spouse. "They realize that we need a way of discovering where our men have really been."
While this is a revolution in men's toiletry, "SripperBGone" is not completely fool-proof. Apparently the spray will be sold with a disclaimer, saying that it is not guaranteed to remove the scent of strippers with breasts larger than size 40EE.
New York Hotel Riot!
It was disgusting!
Could happen anywhere!
The world-renowned Four Seasons Hotel in New York was the scene of rioting and violence yesterday, as an unruly mob of conference attendees fought staff and police.
The incident started after the annual gathering of the support group 'Nurturing Understanding for Tourette's Syndrome' (NUTS) had been whipped up into a frenzy by Scottish comedian Billy Connolly. A tourist, identified as Benjamin Yoskovitz from New York, the United States, was passing by the open conference door with his spouse, Bettie Smith, who was berating him for a number of perceived shortcomings. Unable to take any more nagging, he finally turned on her and shouted, "Will you shut the fuck up, bitch!"
Horrified hotel staff quickly grabbed Mr. Yoskovitz and tried to hustle him out of the building. However, they were immediately set upon by an angry mob of NUTS members who believed a fellow sufferer was being persecuted.
Five squad cars with police dogs and tear gas were required to subdue the rioters.
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Spat Over Bull!
Al Jones
Field Reporter
TV celebrities Benjamin Yoskovitz and his spouse Bettie Smith continued to publicly display their tempestuous relationship this week-end.
Walking around the annual New York Agricultural Show, Ms. Smith was intrigued by a huge breeding bull, over which hung a sign indicating that it had mated more than 300 times last year. She was overheard to bringing this to Benjamin's attention, teasingly saying that perhaps he could learn something from the animal.
Mr. Yoskovitz, perhaps using an unfortunate choice of words, openly doubted that it was with the same cow each time.
He is currently in a local hospital recovering from multiple abrasions and contusions to his face and neck. A full recovery is expected.
Pull This!
Al Jones
Field Reporter
In response to the growing number of "lower body injuries" in professional sports, team doctors are currently conducting a study which they hope will reduce the number of games missed because of these injuries.
Dr. Benjamin Yoskovitz has discovered a correlation between the injuries and the the maritial status of male athletes. "Surprisingly, it seems most of the athletes who complain of this condition are married," explained Dr. Yoskovitz. "This is leading us to believe that the most common complaint, "the nagging groin pull" is more of a spousal description than a sports-related injury.
"Anyway", continued Dr. Yoskovitz, "I pull my groin every morning but I still have to go to work."
Health Care Revolution!
Al Jones
Field Reporter
Men, can we talk? Are you embarrassed by prostate examinations? Do you wonder what the doctor is thinking about behind your back? Well, you don't have to experience this humiliation any longer. P-Club for Men offers drive-thru prostate examinations and car washes!
Utilizing the latest in lubricants, our patented robotic digital probe is based on the Canadarm as used on space missions and gives you a discreet examination in your car. Results are available while your car is being blow-dried.
We have served thousands of men just like you. Take my word for it. I am not only the President of P-Club for Men, I am also a client!
Benjamin Yoskovitz
World Bank Chief Starts Reign of Terror
Mathieu Amin
Field Reporter
New York resident Benjamin Yoskovitz has been named the new president of The World Bank, where he has pledged "higher interest rates for everybody," adding, "MWUHAHAHAHAHA!"
Yoskovitz made the statement at a press conference yesterday, where he punctuated his point by rolling around in a pile of gold doubloons, declaring, "I'm rich! I'm wealthy! I'm comfortably well off!" When his personal assistant, Al Jones, noted that just because he's president doesn't mean he gets to keep the money himself.
"I'm beginning to think this wasn't the best appointment they could have made," said former U.S. President George W. Bush, when asked his opinion, before proceeding with Yoskovitz's order to roll all of the nation's quarters.
Airlines Enforce More Boarding Restrictions
Al Jones
Field Reporter
With recent terrorist threats involving common liquids that can be used to make bombs on airplanes, the airline industry has come out with strict new security rules. IATA spokesperson Benjamin Yoskovitz said in an interview yesterday, "Starting immediately, prior to boarding, all passengers will be bled dry and forced to urinate several times in front of a security guard. Sweat glands will be surgically removed as no perspiration will be allowed on board. Passengers will be required to orgasm several times so as to minimize the amount of other bodily fluids brought on to the aircraft. We expect boarding times will be longer than usual but request passengers' patience in these difficult times."
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World's Biggest Bore
In what may be a record, New York's Benjamin Yoskovitz has been telling the same boring story since 1989. The story seems to be about a trip to Mexico or someone he knew in school. "There's really no way to tell," said friend Al Jones, feigning an overactive bladder to escape as Yoskovitz told reporters, "This reminds me of when I went fishing with my pal Fred. I remember we got out of the boat ... Well, it wasn't really a boat, more of a skiff ... Anyway, it was a Tuesday, or Monday ... it was early in the week. So we got out of the boat, er, skiff, and looked er...
Then our reporter fell asleep.
Clever Cop a Yawner!
Recounting his life experiences as a twenty-five year veteran of the New York police force, beat cop Benjamin Yoskovitz had the crowd of four or five roaring with laughter several times. Minutes flew by like hours as he snapped off lines heard while strip-searching speeders, such as, "On the way to the station, let's get a twelve pack."
Yoskovitz's proudest moment of detective work came when he discovered pounds of narcotics in a car trunk after the driver tipped him off by saying in a panicky voice, "You're not going to check the trunk, are you?"
Business Update
New York clothing designer Benjamin Yoskovitz underbid several foreign rivals and has been awarded a five-year contract to supply thermal underwear to the US Army for $19.95 per unit.
A jubilant Yoskovitz told NFY reporters that since production costs amounted to slightly over $21 each, he was relying on the projected heavy volume of sales to make up the difference and turn a profit. "This is the United States; dynamic, competitive and business-smart," he said.
Retailer in Trouble
New York resident Benjamin Yoskovitz is suing Ikea, the Swedish style furniture store, for millions. It appears that Yoskovitz spent eight days and nights lost in the store. The exits, Yoskovitz claims, were impossible to find and no one from the sales staff responded to Yoskovitz's pleas for assistance.
When reached for comment, Yoskovitz said, "I survived by eating Swedish schaktmastads at the kavateria, drinking plenty of urkig and sleeping on a fine leather staltrad. I washed in the employee pantarta but have to admit my gjutflask is a bit sore and itchy."
Autobiography of normal
As celebrities cash in on their autobiographies on reality shows, an international publisher has contracted Benjamin Yoskovitz to write a book about his own, very dull, normal life, chronicling his daily routine in excruciating detail.
A riveting preview in a New York newspaper revealed that Yoskovitz was chosen to write his autobiography because of the utter normality of his existence. Books by all his relatives and friends are soon to follow.
"It's one of those books that once you put down, you can't pick up again," said his friend, Al Jones.
New York Man Beats The Odds!!
Benjamin Yoskovitz claims he's the luckiest man alive after not one, but two strokes of good fortune this week.
He is flying to Nigeria tomorrow, where a Lagos bank discovered that he is the heir to a $50M fortune left in his name by an anonymous benefactor. On his return he will stop briefly in Amsterdam to pick up his half-share of an International Lottery Ticket, valued at $75M.
"Funny, can't remember buying that ticket," said Yoskovitz. "Maybe it was my friend Al who got it in my name. What a sport!"
In anticipation of a new "jet-set" lifestyle, Yoskovitz has donated all his possessions to charity and begins a future completely unencumbered by any previous vestiges of his past.
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