IN FOCUS
National Proctologists Association Warning
NPA spokesman Benjamin Yoskovitz is warning men everywhere of the dangers of using communal showers in sports facilities.
"There's a definite link between such showers and the incidence of male hemorrhoids and anal abrasions. Users must remain vigilant", he advised, pointing to a photograph of an innocently placed bar of soap in a men's shower-room.
"This could be a booby-trap," he warned. "Never bend over to pick up the soap. Stay erect. Moreover, look around and make sure nobody else is. Do not back up. This could be fatal. Instead, step forward slowly, over the soap, then run like hell."
Don't slip up...
Local Stud Gets An Eyeful !
New York's Oscar-winning Benjamin Yoskovitz was spotted yesterday squiring Britney Spears to a Hollywood Charity Ball. NFY photographer Al Jones was on hand to snap this shot of Britney's snapper as she stepped out of the limo.
Asked if he was aware of Ms. Spears' predelection for going pantyless, Mr. Yoskovitz replied, "That's a lot of fucking BS."
Assuming he meant a lot of fucking(B)ritney (S)pears, we couldn't agree more!!
Britney bares all
Watching the Watch Campaign
The market for luxury goods is busting out all over, and RollMe Watches Inc. is mounting an aggressive marketing campaign aimed at getting men to buy watches for their women. "These are high performance, classic pieces," says CEO, Benjamin Yoskovitz, "finely crafted, with delicate, precise movements encased in smoothly-sculpted, waterproof bodies. Wound and set by a gentle finger rotation on the small, delightfully-knurled protuberances, they will provide hours of unfailing pleasure." RollMe ads, such as the one pictured here, are starting to appear all over New York as the campaign launches.
And keeps time too...
Flood Destroys City
A massive flood inundated New York yesterday. The cause of the floodwaters has been traced to a blocked toilet in an upscale hotel where Benjamin Yoskovitz was staying for a brief holiday. Analysis of the ruined plumbing system revealed that massive quantities of junk food mixed with large volumes of cheap beer in human waste caused the blockage.
The mayor of New York, Al Jones, was unavailable for comment.
The floodgates opened !
World Power-boat Racing Championships
Yesterday's final event was the gruelling 75km race around St. Lucia. The favourite, the United States's Benjamin Yoskovitz, was leading the field when he suddenly swerved off course and destroyed his boat on a coral reef. Nobody was seriously injured but Yoskovitz later told reporters that he was certain that his arch-rival, Al Jones, had planned and paid for the Sea-Doo rider (pictured below) to be cruising over the reef, just by the course.
Al Jones, the eventual winner, denied any wrongdoing, saying that Yoskovitz had a history of chasing after fast women.
Siren of the seas!
Pandemic Prevention!
An unlikely hero in the global war against the frightening Avian Flu has emerged.
Mathieuian Aminian, President of Armenia, watches children's TV shows for six hours every single day and noticed that both Donald and Daisy Duck sniffled several times and Big Bird once actually sneezed. President Aminian alerted the United Nations and the World Health Organization.
Al Jones, Head of WHO, immediately issued an arrest warrant for the three birds.
Hockey Fan Starts Emitting Pucks
Local hockey fan Benjamin Yoskovitz has become so excited about the upcoming playoffs that he's started emitting hockey pucks from his posterior, baffling doctors and scientists alike.
"We've never seen anything like this before," noted Dr. Al Jones of the National Posterior Region Institute. Dr. Jones did note that their researchers have occasionally found hockey sticks in that area, but usually only after a particularly brutal check.
"I was as surprised as anyone," said Yoskovitz of his newfound puck problem. "It's kind of embarrassing, although it does come in handy for pickup games."
It's a Deer, Dear!
Police were called to quell a domestic dispute last night following a barbecue at the New York residence of Benjamin Yoskovitz. According to Mathieu Amin, a friend who was present, Mr. Yoskovitz, an avid hunter, had recently bagged a deer, and was grilling fillets from the animal. One of his kids, a fussy eater, kept asking what the meat was, but Yoskovitz wasn't telling. Eventually he said, "OK, I'll give you a hint, - it's what your mother sometimes calls me." Another kid screamed, "Don't eat it, you guys, it's a f**cking asshole!"
Plunged in Darkness
TV personality Benjamin Yoskovitz is estranged from his spouse Bettie Smith, following a freak accident in the bathroom of their home which required her being taken to the Emergency Department of the local hospital.
Before retiring last night, Mr. Yoskovitz had unsuccessfully tried to free a blocked toilet. Exhausted after ten minutes of strenuous plunging, he decided to continue next morning, leaving the plunger in the toilet. "We've been together for years," Mr. Yoskovitz told reporters at the hospital, "But I never realised until now that she pees in the dark."
Time Travel Discovered
World famous scientist Mathieu Amin has created a remarkable invention. Time travel has been tried throughout history and now appears possible through this incredible technology. Further testing by independent agencies is planned for early next year but most experts are skeptical.
In a telephone interview, Amin's assistant, Al Jones was asked when Amin would be able to grant a face-to-face session with NFY reporters. Al responded, "With all the media attention, Mathieu is extremely busy and is only available for interviews last week."
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Support for Visually-Impaired Seniors
"No Menace" says C.O.P. Leader
Looks safe!
Benjamin Yoskovitz, recently elected leader of the Crazy Oldies Party, made his first major speech at a party fund-raising rally last night.
Stressing the party platform of eliminating prejudicial attitudes towards the elderly, he called for rescinding existing legislation prohibiting visually-impaired seniors from driving. Provided speed limits were respected, and crash-helmets worn by those riding motorcycles, he could see no harm in allowing these citizens to enjoy the country's highways. Even the legally blind should be able to drive, Mr. Yoskovitz added, as long as they were accompanied by a sighted person in the passenger seat.
He did, however, recommend that those visually handicapped and over ninety years old be obliged to have their cars or motorcycles equipped with extended arms, which would effectively push other road users out of harm's way, thereby reducing the carnage.
The new leader also admitted that the current fad of senior drag-racing down cul-de-sacs would have to cease. Although fun for the drivers, it did cause local residents to lose bowel control, and was therefore considered a health hazard.
Toolbox Deemed Dangerous Weapon
''Load of Bull'' sniffs Handyman
The toolbox in question
From the New York Police File
A local man has had his toolbox confiscated by authorities, who claim it was doing "more harm than good." Benjamin Yoskovitz is alleged to have been the mastermind behind a string of ill-fated home improvement projects, including a paint job that resulted in more than 47 distinct shades of "Blue Delphinium," and plumbing repairs that required a response from the New York Fire Department.
Authorities were brought in when Yoskovitz threatened to install ceiling fans in his home without the assistance of an electrician. "I just had to call them," said his spouse, Bettie Smith. "I couldn't stop thinking about the time he tried to replace the front porch light last summer - some neighborhoods are still without power."
For his part, Yoskovitz says he didn't deserve to have his toolbox confiscated. "I need that toolbox for some very important household projects," he said, applying a tourniquet to his thumb. "Besides, I think I may have dropped my car keys in it."
Yoskovitz Sets Rejection Record
Still Looking For Miss Right
Just Can't Win!
A New York man marked a personal milestone this week when he received his 1,000th rejection by a member of the opposite sex.
"Believe it or not, it sort of snuck up on me," said Benjamin Yoskovitz, who was turned down Friday by a woman who said she was "tired," and planned to continue being tired for the next several months. Over the course of the 1,000 rejections, Yoskovitz says has heard hundreds of different excuses, including, "That would be against my religion," "I would, but I'm pretty sure you're gay" and "I need to be faithful to my future husband who I haven't met yet." He also estimates his advances have been met with humiliating peals of laughter at least 200 times.
On the other hand, he's proud to note that despite his impressive rejection record, he has yet to log a single restraining order. "Bet you Al Jones can't say that!" noted Yoskovitz, in reference to his friend, who's wanted in six states and several other countries.
Locating Men's Brains!
Not a trivial exercise!
What an organ!
From the NFY Health Desk
The old adage that "God gave man a brain and a penis, but only enough blood to run one at a time", has been challenged in a recent study by Dr. Benjamin Yoskovitz from the Institute of Higher Erections in New York, the United States.
The reality would appear to be far more complex than originally thought. According to the study, 75% of all men believe they actually have brains in their penises. Moreover, whilst most men believe that the penis-brain is somewhat smaller than the brain in their head, they believe that it can countermand the latter in cases of extreme importance, such as the opportunity to place itself in warm, wet environments. In cold surroundings, however, the perception is that the opposite is true. Shrinkage takes place and the penis-brain becomes constricted and deprived of blood and oxygen, a condition often referred to clinically as 'Brain-dead'.
At Home in the Zoo!
Haven from concrete jungle
A New Life!
Benjamin Yoskovitz is the first man in the United States to find himself on display in a zoo. As part of an initiative set up by New York Municipal Council to tackle homelessness, Benjamin has been given a new home - with the monkeys.
Mr. Yoskovitz told reporters, "I am pleased at last to find sanctuary and to be able to make a fresh start. Life on the streets was tough, and drugs were always a problem. It's hard to say 'no' when you feel that you don't care if you wake up tomorrow."
Benjamin, with the help of his new housemates, has cleaned up his act. He has adapted to his new diet of fruit and nuts, and is becoming more adept each day at swinging on vines and leaping from tree to tree. He has also enthusiastically joined in the communal auto-erotic activities.
"I've never felt so much at home," he added, "Never had such regular bowel movements. Never had so much attention. I want to really thank my friend, Al Jones for persuading New York Council to start this initiative."
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Botched Bobbitt!
Al Jones
Field Reporter
Mr. Benjamin Yoskovitz, of New York, was aquitted yesterday of a charge of indecent exposure. The judge opined that he had suffered enough.
Police records stated that Yoskovitz had been flaunting his privates in front of a neighbor's window in an attempt to woo her. Far from being impressed, the woman flew at him with a pair of scissors, screaming that she would "cut the damn thing off".
Fortunately, Mr. Yoskovitz managed to deflect the weapon and suffered only minor scrotum punctures and superficial cuts on the thigh.
The woman's original charge of grievous bodily harm was reduced to that of a simple "mis-de-wiener".
Getting the Old Heave-Ho!
Al Jones
Field Reporter
Eva Chappie set a new Guinness world record today by throwing a fully-grown man 19'-2". This tops the old record of 18'-6", established by Roseanne Barr in 1994, just days before her divorce from Tom Arnold.
New York resident, Benjamin Yoskovitz, the man thrown by Ms. Chappie, suffered only minor bruises. "I had just left McDonalds, minding my own business, when this woman grabs me by the neck and throws me across the goddamn street," he told reporters, apparently not yet fully grasping his role in sports history.
When asked what inspired her historical toss, Ms. Chappie replied, "I don't know. I felt strong, the wind was right, and that guy just looked aerodynamic somehow."
New York Couch-Potato Denies Steroid Use
Mathieu Amin
Field Reporter
Benjamin Yoskovitz has denied ever using steroids, prompting much mirth among experts. "If he's been using steroids, he should get his money back," said Dr. Al Jones of the Sports Medicine Institute.
In a prepared statement, Yoskovitz said that he "never, ever took any steroids or injected himself with foreign substances." Reminded that typically only professional athletes release statements about their steroid use, Yoskovitz responded that he just wanted to "keep all my bases covered." He also stated that he'd never had any plastic surgery, although admitted once buying medications over the Internet to enlarge his genitalia.
"Even that was a complete failure," sniffed his spouse, Bettie Smith.
Rapper's Release 'Inspired'
Al Jones
Field Reporter
Rap singer, Benjamin Yoskovitz, after a number of poor albums, has come up with an exciting and innovative release. The CD cleverly combines rural African rhythms and urban sounds from the United States - something unique in a rap release. Sounds of water dripping and splashing, paper tearing and trucks backfiring are all part of this creative work.
During a recent tour promoting the album, Yoskovitz commented on the inspiration for its content. "During our last gig here in New York, I got food poisoning after eating sushi. I spent almost three days and nights in the bathroom and the emotions and inspiration just seemed to flow out of me."
The album, simply entitled 'Yoskovitz Unplugged', will be on sale tomorrow.
Clerics Fear for Virtue!
Al Jones
Field Reporter
New York: There were two more incidents of sexual molestations of middle-aged clergymen in New York last night, bringing the total to 17 this month.
Chief of Police, Benjamin Yoskovitz, is under fire for his failure to make an arrest and for his go-it-alone approach, spurning offers of help from Scotland Yard and FBI experts.
"This is my case and it is my ass that is on the line", he said. "I don't want anybody else sticking their noses in and sniffing around."
Inspector Yoskovitz requested that the hundreds of sympathetic, visiting clergymen return to their homes and stop wandering the streets at night.
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World's Biggest Bore
In what may be a record, New York's Benjamin Yoskovitz has been telling the same boring story since 1989. The story seems to be about a trip to Mexico or someone he knew in school. "There's really no way to tell," said friend Al Jones, feigning an overactive bladder to escape as Yoskovitz told reporters, "This reminds me of when I went fishing with my pal Fred. I remember we got out of the boat ... Well, it wasn't really a boat, more of a skiff ... Anyway, it was a Tuesday, or Monday ... it was early in the week. So we got out of the boat, er, skiff, and looked er...
Then our reporter fell asleep.
Clever Cop a Yawner!
Recounting his life experiences as a twenty-five year veteran of the New York police force, beat cop Benjamin Yoskovitz had the crowd of four or five roaring with laughter several times. Minutes flew by like hours as he snapped off lines heard while strip-searching speeders, such as, "On the way to the station, let's get a twelve pack."
Yoskovitz's proudest moment of detective work came when he discovered pounds of narcotics in a car trunk after the driver tipped him off by saying in a panicky voice, "You're not going to check the trunk, are you?"
Business Update
New York clothing designer Benjamin Yoskovitz underbid several foreign rivals and has been awarded a five-year contract to supply thermal underwear to the US Army for $19.95 per unit.
A jubilant Yoskovitz told NFY reporters that since production costs amounted to slightly over $21 each, he was relying on the projected heavy volume of sales to make up the difference and turn a profit. "This is the United States; dynamic, competitive and business-smart," he said.
Retailer in Trouble
New York resident Benjamin Yoskovitz is suing Ikea, the Swedish style furniture store, for millions. It appears that Yoskovitz spent eight days and nights lost in the store. The exits, Yoskovitz claims, were impossible to find and no one from the sales staff responded to Yoskovitz's pleas for assistance.
When reached for comment, Yoskovitz said, "I survived by eating Swedish schaktmästads at the kavåteria, drinking plenty of urkig and sleeping on a fine leather ståltråd. I washed in the employee pantårta but have to admit my gjutflask is a bit sore and itchy."
Autobiography of normal
As celebrities cash in on their autobiographies on reality shows, an international publisher has contracted Benjamin Yoskovitz to write a book about his own, very dull, normal life, chronicling his daily routine in excruciating detail.
A riveting preview in a New York newspaper revealed that Yoskovitz was chosen to write his autobiography because of the utter normality of his existence. Books by all his relatives and friends are soon to follow.
"It's one of those books that once you put down, you can't pick up again," said his friend, Al Jones.
New York Man Beats The Odds!!
Benjamin Yoskovitz claims he's the luckiest man alive after not one, but two strokes of good fortune this week.
He is flying to Nigeria tomorrow, where a Lagos bank discovered that he is the heir to a $50M fortune left in his name by an anonymous benefactor. On his return he will stop briefly in Amsterdam to pick up his half-share of an International Lottery Ticket, valued at $75M.
"Funny, can't remember buying that ticket," said Yoskovitz. "Maybe it was my friend Al who got it in my name. What a sport!"
In anticipation of a new "jet-set" lifestyle, Yoskovitz has donated all his possessions to charity and begins a future completely unencumbered by any previous vestiges of his past.
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