IN FOCUS
Charles's Troubles Mount!
Prince Charles is trying to prevent excerpts from his missing diaries from becoming public. His lawyer, Mathieu Amin, issued a statement yesterday saying that diary references to Charles and Camilla having two children years ago out of wedlock are absurd.
However, after extensive investigation, NFY Reporter Al Jones has discovered that this is indeed true. One child is pulling a plow in a Lincolnshire potato field, the other is running next month in the Epsom Derby.
Poor guy!
Businessman Attacked!
New York businessman, Benjamin Yoskovitz, was admitted to hospital yesterday after an unprovoked attack by a female employee. NFY has found out that Yoskovitz was having business problems and had to fire someone from Accounting. It would be either Jack Smith or Susan Jones. Mr. Yoskovitz had asked Susan to come to his office and told her that he would either have to lay her or Jack off. And apparently that's when the assault took place.
Full recovery expected
Watching the Watch Campaign
The market for luxury goods is busting out all over, and RollMe Watches Inc. is mounting an aggressive marketing campaign aimed at getting men to buy watches for their women. "These are high performance, classic pieces," says CEO, Benjamin Yoskovitz, "finely crafted, with delicate, precise movements encased in smoothly-sculpted, waterproof bodies. Wound and set by a gentle finger rotation on the small, delightfully-knurled protuberances, they will provide hours of unfailing pleasure." RollMe ads, such as the one pictured here, are starting to appear all over New York as the campaign launches.
And keeps time too...
Dirt Biking in the Bedroom!
ButtRiders Rule, Inc., a local company, has developed a new product guaranteed to revolutionize bike riding. CEO Benjamin Yoskovitz said in a recent interview, "With this product cyclists can combine their two greatest passions, if you know what I mean. You can steer, go one handed, whatever you like." The Moto-MaMa pictured here is made of durable, Motocross quality plastic and is available in sizes small through to extra extra large. A Moto-PaPa model is also available.
Innovative Product...
Drug Smuggling Fight Succeeding
Benjamin Yoskovitz, Chief Instructor for the National Drug Enforcement Administration was honoured last night for his contribution in the fight against drug smuggling. His 'get-tough' approach has doubled the number of criminal convictions in the past year. Not for him the soft touch, in privacy, with a rubber glove. "Line 'em up, and get in those body cavities with something big and hard that'll let you know right away if there's anything being hidden. I generally get good cooperation, especially from the ladies. Some even ask for a second search, just to be sure I'm satisfied."
Search Me!!
Another skating scandal
It would seem that the International Olympic Committee just can't shake off its controversial image.
Figure pairs skaters Benjamin Yoskovitz and Bettie Smith from New York skated a flawless routine today in the World Championships, but failed to get gold. All the judges scored the performance in the 5.8 range except the French judge, who gave the pair a 2.1, allowing the Russian duo, Vlad the Impaler and Al Jonesovich, to win.
The judge denied any wrongdoings but was later seen boarding his luxury private jet for a four week holiday in Geneva.
New Diet – Fact or Fiction
A new diet book promises to become a best seller in the United States. Author Mathieu Amin claims that women can eat anything and any amount of it, as long as the food is eaten during sex. "The more prolonged the sex, the slimmer you get," Amin notes.
Hollywood and New York celebrities are raving about the new diet. Actress Meryl Streep has endorsed it, but insiders say that due to the awful accents Ms. Streep has used in her movie roles, the chances of her having sex are slim to non-existent.
Cartoon ....Khartoum
Iranian film director Assami Bin Yoskovitz has announced plans to begin production of his country's first full length animated feature film.The movie, entitled "OH SAMMY, WHERE ART THOU?" follows the hilarious madcap adventures of a bumbling Al'Qaeda suicide bomber as he travels throughout the world trying to blow up various targets, as well as himself.
The director has already cast the characters' voices, but their identities are being kept secret because several of them are in hiding somewhere in the mountains of Afghanistan.
Local Mountaineer Stymied
Benjamin Yoskovitz has failed in his quest to become the first man from New York to climb 29,000 feet high Mount Everest. Yoskovitz reached a height of 850ft before abandonning the attempt, citing dizziness, lack of oxygen and frostbite, but dismissing rumours that the absence of public bars was a major factor.
The team of 24 Sherpa porters, hired by Yoskovitz to transport his Port-a-Potty, porn collection and Hi-Fi system, would be fully paid, he said. Asked if he would try again, Yoskovitz replied that he would stick to social climbing from now on.
Two Medals for Rowing
Henley Regatta - England.
The prestigious 2,000m eight-class boatrace was won yesterday by New York Rowing Club. Stroke Benjamin Yoskovitz and his crew celebrated the win by hoisting their cox on their shoulders and going downtown to look for good oars. Yoskovitz attributed the success to the fact that none of the crew had caught crabs this year.
In the Veteran Class, the coxless pairs trophy for the 500m was accepted by ex-New York blue, Justice Baulz and his crewmate Ivor Dikov.
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Toolbox Deemed Dangerous Weapon
''Load of Bull'' sniffs Handyman
The toolbox in question
From the New York Police File
A local man has had his toolbox confiscated by authorities, who claim it was doing "more harm than good." Benjamin Yoskovitz is alleged to have been the mastermind behind a string of ill-fated home improvement projects, including a paint job that resulted in more than 47 distinct shades of "Blue Delphinium," and plumbing repairs that required a response from the New York Fire Department.
Authorities were brought in when Yoskovitz threatened to install ceiling fans in his home without the assistance of an electrician. "I just had to call them," said his spouse, Bettie Smith. "I couldn't stop thinking about the time he tried to replace the front porch light last summer - some neighborhoods are still without power."
For his part, Yoskovitz says he didn't deserve to have his toolbox confiscated. "I need that toolbox for some very important household projects," he said, applying a tourniquet to his thumb. "Besides, I think I may have dropped my car keys in it."
Ozone Layer Stable Say Scientists
NFY Science Desk
It must be protected!
Scientists observing the earth's Ozone layer breathed a sigh of relief yesterday as the recent spike in atmospheric methane gas showed no noticeable damage. There had been great concern recently over possible increase in the size of the hole.
At first, no one made the link between the newly-opened Mexican Food restaurant, "On the Border" in New York, and black bean burrito lover Benjamin Yoskovitz, but eventually satellite photography left no doubt as to the origin of the methane releases.
"That's the sharpest spike we've seen in the last decade" stated Mathieu Amin, an atmospheric specialist with the monitoring team. "It took some time to track down the source, and admittedly it was a shock to learn just one man was responsible." But after yesterday's report, Mr. Yoskovitz now has clearance to eat all the Mexican food he wants.
Upon hearing the good news, Bettie Smith, his spouse, simply said, "I'm outta here!"
New Magazine for Men Launched!
Decorating tips and advice for guys
Very tasteful...
Mathieu Amin
Entertainment Reporter
Benjamin Yoskovitz of New York has received a grant from FedUp, the Federal Department of Useless Payouts, to launch a decorating magazine for men, entitled "25 Perfect Shacks and Hovels".
The magazine is aimed at those men who can no longer tolerate their wives or girlfriends constantly decorating their homes, buying pretty little knick knacks for the house and forever moving things around to make the place more attractive. The first issue contains such tips as how to make multiple use of empty beer cans; first as ashtrays, then as shelf supports. Using many different colors in any given room can create an atmosphere of excitement and vibrancy. To get that middle-eastern or North African ambiance, cover the floors with piles of sand and dying or decaying plants. Spreading lots of papers around can lend an air of importance and significant activity. And a thick layer of dust is great for quickly jotting down reminder notes.
The magazine will make its international debut in Baghdad newsstands next week and Yoskovitz is expecting that it will simply fly off the shelves.
New Deodorant For Men!
No scents, no sense, say women
Smelly smelly smelly!
A new scent removal product just marketed is sure to strike fear into the the hearts of women everywhere. New "StripperBGone" spray by the makers of Febreeze promises to remove the distinct odors left on a man after visiting a strip club. "This is exactly what I've been waiting for," said New York's Benjamin Yoskovitz. "Now I don't have to rush to the bathroom and rub tomato sauce all over my body after coming home from, er, working late, you know..."
However, not everyone is singing the praises of this latest spray for men. Many women feel that this is a potentially deceptive tool in what they call "the war on fidelity". "Strippers smell like strippers for a reason," said Bettie Smith, Benjamin's spouse. "They realize that we need a way of discovering where our men have really been."
While this is a revolution in men's toiletry, "SripperBGone" is not completely fool-proof. Apparently the spray will be sold with a disclaimer, saying that it is not guaranteed to remove the scent of strippers with breasts larger than size 40EE.
'Couch-Potato' Ends 6-Month Coma
spouse's faithful vigil rewarded
She stayed beside him
"It's a miracle," Bettie Smith, the spouse of Benjamin Yoskovitz told reporters as Mr. Yoskovitz emerged from a 6 month coma, apparently in perfect health.
A bizarre chain of events precedes this heart-warming story. Police reports at the time indicate that the New York couple had been discussing death and incapacitation and the need for a living will. Yoskovitz had told his spouse that he never wanted to exist in a vegetable state, dependent on some machine and hooked up to a bottle. Apparently irritated at this, she switched off the football game he was watching and threw out his beer. In the ensuing fracas, Mr. Yoskovitz was struck with a cast-iron skillet and fell into a coma.
Ms. Smith has been at his side constantly in the intervening period, ironically, it would seem, refusing doctors the permission to unplug his life support system. "I just couldn't do it," she said. "He was facing the medical monitor and looked his normal self, just like he was at home dozing in front of the TV."
"It was so wonderful when he awoke," she added, "his first word was my name. He said, "Bettie, where's the remote?'"
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Local Man Used To Discourage Life
Mathieu Amin
Field Reporter
A man from the United States has been chosen by the International Pro-Choice Movement as the "Poster Child for Abortion."
Pictures of Benjamin Yoskovitz of New York will be appearing on posters and pamphlets, along with the caption, "If Only His Parents Hadn't Chosen Life."
"We're looking to send a very clear message," said Al Jones of the pro-choice organization Abortions for Everybody. "That if abortions are made illegal, there will be a lot more Benjamin Yoskovitzs in the world."
For his part, Yoskovitz said he has mixed emotions about being chosen. "I'm not so sure it's a compliment," he said, adding, however, that "if I can prevent just one more me, then it will have all been worth it."
Smarter Than Who?
Al Jones
Field Reporter
Benjamin Yoskovitz, Secretary for the U.N.'s Civil Liberty Affirmation Program (CLAP), has issued a press release calling for the U.S. military to cease referring to its precision guided missiles as "Smart Bombs".
"The word 'Smart' is relative," said Yoskovitz, "and can be potentially offensive towards millions of people worldwide who lack self-esteem. Moreover, because the bomb is capable of killing hundreds of people instantly, while many minority gangs are only able to kill a few people at a time, it may be misconstrued that the bomb is smarter at killing than most minorities. This is condescending and racist."
The proposed alternative name is "Bomb of Higher than Average Intelligence because of Monetary Socioeconomic Status".
Cojone Carriers Convene
Al Jones
Field Reporter
At a gala reception last night, a new New York not-for-profit organization was introduced by its president, Benjamin Yoskovitz.
In the keynote address, Yoskovitz told a packed house, "We are so proud to be launching The Scrotum Appreciation Club or SAC, a community dedicated to creating awareness and appreciation for this beautiful and oft-maligned part of the male anatomy. We have a growing body of male members, but, being transparent and inclusive, we would certainly welcome ladies."
"As members of the International Scrotum Awareness Groups or ISAG, we get excellent benefits such as reduced rates for speaking engagements by renowned urologists, and art gallery admissions. And remember our motto, 'Hang Loose, SAC Does!'"
Mile-High Club Addition
Al Jones
Field Reporter
AirTroductions is a New York company specializing in pre-flight introductions, using computerized personal data to pair passengers up and make the flying experience more congenial.
A problem occurred yesterday when vacationing Benjamin Yoskovitz from the United States could not be matched with anyone. His main attributes according to the computer data were 'very romantic' and 'persuasive.'
To show good faith, AirTroductions PR manager Ida Goosen sat with Yoskovitz on his scheduled cross-country flight. Upon arrival in California, an exhausted and dishevelled Goosen said, "Our computers are amazingly accurate. I am definitely accompanying Benjamin on his return flight, and really, we must make our aircraft washrooms larger to accommodate couples more easily."
More Commandments Deciphered!
Al Jones
Field Reporter
Excitement mounts in the academic world as scholars continue studying the stone tablets recently unearthed on Mount Arrarat.
Professor Benjamin Yoskovitz of the prestigious New York School of Biblical Studies, told incredulous reporters that the tablets appeared to be updating the original commandments, as well as being more politically correct. Two more have been recently revealed:
No.7 Rev.1 reads ''Thou mayest occasionally commit adultery, so long as thou dost not get caught''
No.10 Rev.1 reads ''Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's ass, nor his/her wife's/husband's ass, nor anything that is his/hers, including their Mercedes-Benz.
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World's Biggest Bore
In what may be a record, New York's Benjamin Yoskovitz has been telling the same boring story since 1989. The story seems to be about a trip to Mexico or someone he knew in school. "There's really no way to tell," said friend Al Jones, feigning an overactive bladder to escape as Yoskovitz told reporters, "This reminds me of when I went fishing with my pal Fred. I remember we got out of the boat ... Well, it wasn't really a boat, more of a skiff ... Anyway, it was a Tuesday, or Monday ... it was early in the week. So we got out of the boat, er, skiff, and looked er...
Then our reporter fell asleep.
Clever Cop a Yawner!
Recounting his life experiences as a twenty-five year veteran of the New York police force, beat cop Benjamin Yoskovitz had the crowd of four or five roaring with laughter several times. Minutes flew by like hours as he snapped off lines heard while strip-searching speeders, such as, "On the way to the station, let's get a twelve pack."
Yoskovitz's proudest moment of detective work came when he discovered pounds of narcotics in a car trunk after the driver tipped him off by saying in a panicky voice, "You're not going to check the trunk, are you?"
Business Update
New York clothing designer Benjamin Yoskovitz underbid several foreign rivals and has been awarded a five-year contract to supply thermal underwear to the US Army for $19.95 per unit.
A jubilant Yoskovitz told NFY reporters that since production costs amounted to slightly over $21 each, he was relying on the projected heavy volume of sales to make up the difference and turn a profit. "This is the United States; dynamic, competitive and business-smart," he said.
Retailer in Trouble
New York resident Benjamin Yoskovitz is suing Ikea, the Swedish style furniture store, for millions. It appears that Yoskovitz spent eight days and nights lost in the store. The exits, Yoskovitz claims, were impossible to find and no one from the sales staff responded to Yoskovitz's pleas for assistance.
When reached for comment, Yoskovitz said, "I survived by eating Swedish schaktmastads at the kavateria, drinking plenty of urkig and sleeping on a fine leather staltrad. I washed in the employee pantarta but have to admit my gjutflask is a bit sore and itchy."
Autobiography of normal
As celebrities cash in on their autobiographies on reality shows, an international publisher has contracted Benjamin Yoskovitz to write a book about his own, very dull, normal life, chronicling his daily routine in excruciating detail.
A riveting preview in a New York newspaper revealed that Yoskovitz was chosen to write his autobiography because of the utter normality of his existence. Books by all his relatives and friends are soon to follow.
"It's one of those books that once you put down, you can't pick up again," said his friend, Al Jones.
New York Man Beats The Odds!!
Benjamin Yoskovitz claims he's the luckiest man alive after not one, but two strokes of good fortune this week.
He is flying to Nigeria tomorrow, where a Lagos bank discovered that he is the heir to a $50M fortune left in his name by an anonymous benefactor. On his return he will stop briefly in Amsterdam to pick up his half-share of an International Lottery Ticket, valued at $75M.
"Funny, can't remember buying that ticket," said Yoskovitz. "Maybe it was my friend Al who got it in my name. What a sport!"
In anticipation of a new "jet-set" lifestyle, Yoskovitz has donated all his possessions to charity and begins a future completely unencumbered by any previous vestiges of his past.
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