IN FOCUS
National Proctologists Association Warning
NPA spokesman Benjamin Yoskovitz is warning men everywhere of the dangers of using communal showers in sports facilities.
"There's a definite link between such showers and the incidence of male hemorrhoids and anal abrasions. Users must remain vigilant", he advised, pointing to a photograph of an innocently placed bar of soap in a men's shower-room.
"This could be a booby-trap," he warned. "Never bend over to pick up the soap. Stay erect. Moreover, look around and make sure nobody else is. Do not back up. This could be fatal. Instead, step forward slowly, over the soap, then run like hell."
Don't slip up...
Iran Softens Stand
In an apparent shift to less radical policies, and in order to ease international condemnation over the president's recent speeches denying the Holocaust and Israel's right to exist, Iranian foreign minister Assman Bin Yoskovitzmoud informed the UN of a significant change in government policy.
He announced the intention to provide every Israeli man, woman and child with an Iranian-made flotation device...before driving them into the sea.
What a Guy!
Businessman Attacked!
New York businessman, Benjamin Yoskovitz, was admitted to hospital yesterday after an unprovoked attack by a female employee. NFY has found out that Yoskovitz was having business problems and had to fire someone from Accounting. It would be either Jack Smith or Susan Jones. Mr. Yoskovitz had asked Susan to come to his office and told her that he would either have to lay her or Jack off. And apparently that's when the assault took place.
Full recovery expected
Museum Masterpiece!
World-renowned artist Benjaminano Yoskovitzini has his latest work currently displayed at the New York Museum of Fine Arts. Thousands of visitors have gazed upon this impressive creation entitled 'Camel in a Sandstorm'. It is a stark, visual, and emotionally moving canvas painted entirely in dramatic beige, with no lines or color variations to disturb the viewer's contemplation.
The museum purchased the work for an undisclosed sum of $12.5M. "It's a steal!" says curator Al Jones.
It's there somewhere!
Charles's Troubles Mount!
Prince Charles is trying to prevent excerpts from his missing diaries from becoming public. His lawyer, Mathieu Amin, issued a statement yesterday saying that diary references to Charles and Camilla having two children years ago out of wedlock are absurd.
However, after extensive investigation, NFY Reporter Al Jones has discovered that this is indeed true. One child is pulling a plow in a Lincolnshire potato field, the other is running next month in the Epsom Derby.
Poor guy!
Local Human Rights Abuse
Police are investigating a report that a New York man has been trying to sell his spouse on eBay. Benjamin Yoskovitz was arrested yesterday on charges of attempted human trafficking.
The eBay advertisement described Bettie Smith as being of peasant stock, strong and hard-working, requiring little in the way of food or clothing. Cash offers were invited as well as a possible trade-in for "two young nubile nymphomaniacs with large breasts, for frequent encounters with cultured gentleman of exquisite taste. Free room and board."
Mayor Denies Nepotism Charges
The mayor of New York, Benjamin Yoskovitz is again facing accusations of corruption and nepotism linked with the thousands of potholes, bumps and cracks in city's roads.
In a statement, the Mayor said, "It is categorically false that my brother owns an asphalt supply company and that my brother-in-law is a road repair contractor. They are simply partners in a lingerie manufacturing company clearly having nothing to do with roads."
In unrelated news, a recent study revealed a direct relationship between bumpy roads and sports bra sales.
Man Chucks All To Be Batboy
A New York man is raising eyebrows by quitting his job to become a professional batboy for Major League Baseball. "I know batboys are usually younger," said Benjamin Yoskovitz, tugging at the sleeves of his little uniform. "But it's always been a dream of mine. Well, the dream was really to play baseball, but unfortunately I suck."
Yoskovitz has seen some resistance from fans, who've poured beer on him and yelled "Get a real job, grandpa!" "It's only in fun," said Yoskovitz, noting that being a batboy is not just getting the players bats. "Sometimes I get them water."
Bye Bye Vi!
Police were summoned to the home of Benjamin Yoskovitz and Bettie Smith to break up a domestic dispute last night.
It seems that Ms. Smith became enraged when Mr. Yoskovitz announced he intended to stop taking Viagra after only two weeks of use.
Mr. Yoskovitz explained that the sex was taking far too long."I kept missing the 1st quarter of Monday Night Football," said Mr. Yoskovitz,"and my wife's moaning and groaning kept waking up the dog."
No charges were laid, nor was Ms. Smith
Environmental Disaster Unavoidable
Mathieu Amin, Assistant Secretary for the U.N.'s World Food Program, released a worrisome statement yesterday, claiming that over-fishing in the world's oceans by Japanese trawlers has resulted in a severe shortage of gefilte fish, upsetting the food chain for Jews everywhere.
Concern is mounting that unless the gefilte fish is declared an endangered species by the U.N., it will soon go the way of the lox, a once-plentiful, but now almost extinct fish, only to be found in private aquariums.
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Freezing Swims Pose Danger!
Doctors Urge Treatment
Looks painful!
The annual Polar Bear swims that have taken place on New Year's Day across Europe and North America for decades have recently been linked to what may be a severe health problem. These swims involve scantily clad men and women running into and splashing about in freezing lakes and rivers to celebrate the arrival of the New Year.
Only now, as a result of extensive and careful research by Dr. Benjamin Yoskovitz, has it been shown, in a study soon to be released, that women's health can be severely impacted by the freezing water. Women have been understandably reluctant to report the condition or seek treatment for it, said Dr. Yoskovitz and as a result the medical community has not been aware that this was happening.
Dr. Yoskovitz encouraged women suffering from this condition to seek help at his clinic and provided disturbing photos of the problem, one of which we publish here.
Pharma Company Launches Campaign
New Drug Offers Help to Men
You too can be rock-hard
The pharmaceutical companies have ratcheted up their often-nasty battle to acquire greater market share in the very lucrative global erectile dysfunction market.
Benjamin Yoskovitz, CEO of "BiggerPharma Inc.", the New York distributor of the just-approved drug "BoneIt", has announced an aggressive marketing campaign aimed at luring away customers from the better known medications, Viagra and Cialis.
At a press conference, last night, to introduce the world to "BoneIt", Yoskovitz displayed the new ad about to be released. Yoskovitz claimed that the photo represented the actual results that an erectile inhibited man can expect after just two weeks of taking the drug. Yoskovitz then said, "We will show to all men suffering from ED, this embarrassing, often humiliating syndrome, that our drug, BoneIt, can really help."
All the male members of the audience stood up cheering and applauded wildly while the female reporters mumbled something that sounded like "Yeah, sure".
An Eyeful a Day Keeps the Doctor Away
Male longivity linked to ogling
Medical Breakthrough
Staring at naked women is good for men's health and makes them live longer, a new survey reveals.
A five-year study of 200 men found that those who enjoyed a longing look at busty beauties had lower blood pressure, less heart disease and slower pulse rates compared to those who did not get their daily eyeful.
Dr. Mathieu Amin, who carried out the study for the New England Journal Of Medicine, states: "Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed female is roughly equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics workout. Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation. Our study indicates that engaging in this activity for a few minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in half. We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life from between four to five years."
As one of the study group, and an avid 6-hour-a-day internet porn surfer, Benjamin Yoskovitz of New York is very enthusiastic. "I estimate that I have extended my life expectancy by about 35 years," he says.
Vacation Pay? It Can!
Crime For Thrills!
Not as peaceful as it seems!
With the advent of extreme vacations, where people travel the globe for crazy experiences, a new form of vacation is emerging: crime holidays. "People go on these holidays to experience the thrill of lawbreaking," said Benjamin Yoskovitz, President of Crime Time Vacations.
According to Yoskovitz, bank- robbing holidays are most popular in Europe, where security is generally light. However, there is a hard core of extreme aficionados who are addicted to high-risk destinations, where punishment can be draconian. Yoskovitz cited the case of a client returning to P'yongyang where his wife was executed last year for stealing a carrot. "I know she'd want me to continue doing what we loved best," the man said.
Yoskovitz has recently introduced shop-lifting holidays across the country, with Wynona Rider as tour guide. For the budding white-collar criminal, a 3-day holiday package has been developed, with seminars on bilking stockholders and falsifying returns. Ex-Enron executives are being retained as advisors.
'Couch-Potato' Ends 6-Month Coma
spouse's faithful vigil rewarded
She stayed beside him
"It's a miracle," Bettie Smith, the spouse of Benjamin Yoskovitz told reporters as Mr. Yoskovitz emerged from a 6 month coma, apparently in perfect health.
A bizarre chain of events precedes this heart-warming story. Police reports at the time indicate that the New York couple had been discussing death and incapacitation and the need for a living will. Yoskovitz had told his spouse that he never wanted to exist in a vegetable state, dependent on some machine and hooked up to a bottle. Apparently irritated at this, she switched off the football game he was watching and threw out his beer. In the ensuing fracas, Mr. Yoskovitz was struck with a cast-iron skillet and fell into a coma.
Ms. Smith has been at his side constantly in the intervening period, ironically, it would seem, refusing doctors the permission to unplug his life support system. "I just couldn't do it," she said. "He was facing the medical monitor and looked his normal self, just like he was at home dozing in front of the TV."
"It was so wonderful when he awoke," she added, "his first word was my name. He said, "Bettie, where's the remote?'"
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Computer Corner: by Mike Rowsoft
Al Jones
Field Reporter
Benjamin Yoskovitz asks about upgrading from his GolfPlus & DrinkingBuddies to Girlfriend 1.0.
There are pros and cons to this, Benjamin. First, GirlFriend will not allow you operate existing programs. The FreeSexPlus unit which accompanies it is good, but auto-expires after 1 year if Girlfriend is not uprated to Fiancee 1.0 and then Wife 1.0. Now Wife 1.0 is versatile but takes up lots of space and usually has MotherInLaw added, which has an automatic pop-up, difficult to control. Some users get around this by installing Mistress 1.0, but if Wife 1.0 is not uninstalled first, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoneyFiles and uninstall itself.
My advice, Benjamin: Keep GolfPlus and DrinkingBuddies for another year or two.
New Twist To Iraq Problem
Mathieu Amin
Field Reporter
A local man is garnering praise for his idea to solve Iraq's internal political struggles via a huge, elaborate game of "Twister."
"I figure you start off with the Sunnis and the Shiites first, and then you have a Twist-off with the Kurds," said Benjamin Yoskovitz, an "amateur" political consultant from New York. "Or maybe we'll call it a Twister-off. I'm still working on the details."
Yoskovitz said he presented his idea to U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice this week via a series of e-mails and late-night phone calls, although he admits none of them had been returned as yet.
According to Rice spokesperson Al Jones, "A restraining order is in the works."
Flasher Shocks Seniors!
Mathieu Amin
Field Reporter
New York resident Benjamin Yoskovitz was aquitted on charges of indecent exposure at the City Courthouse yesterday.
Evidence was given that he had approached a park bench where two elderly ladies were sitting and exposed himself to them.
One of the women became extremely agitated and had a stroke. The other, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.
The case was dismissed when neither woman could testify definitely that the accused was the culprit. The judge refused their request to have Mr. Yoskovitz remove his trousers so they could make a more positive identification.
"Benjamin has always been a bit flashy," his friend Al Jones told reporters.
Spat Over Bull!
Al Jones
Field Reporter
TV celebrities Benjamin Yoskovitz and his spouse Bettie Smith continued to publicly display their tempestuous relationship this week-end.
Walking around the annual New York Agricultural Show, Ms. Smith was intrigued by a huge breeding bull, over which hung a sign indicating that it had mated more than 300 times last year. She was overheard to bringing this to Benjamin's attention, teasingly saying that perhaps he could learn something from the animal.
Mr. Yoskovitz, perhaps using an unfortunate choice of words, openly doubted that it was with the same cow each time.
He is currently in a local hospital recovering from multiple abrasions and contusions to his face and neck. A full recovery is expected.
New York Business of the Week!
Al Jones
Field Reporter
Local resident, Benjamin Yoskovitz, a wine lover for years, has started a company that moistens wine corks and delivers them to the wineries to put into wine bottles, eliminating dry and brittle corks, prone to breaking and splitting. The company, CorkSoakers'R'S of New York, has already received a number of lucrative contracts.
In an interview, Yoskovitz said that he knew from childhood that he would be a cork soaker. His father and grandfather, he said, soaked a cork or two in their day. Yoskovitz said he enjoys soaking corks and actually soaked his first cork as a young teenager in a downtown New York bar.
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World's Biggest Bore
In what may be a record, New York's Benjamin Yoskovitz has been telling the same boring story since 1989. The story seems to be about a trip to Mexico or someone he knew in school. "There's really no way to tell," said friend Al Jones, feigning an overactive bladder to escape as Yoskovitz told reporters, "This reminds me of when I went fishing with my pal Fred. I remember we got out of the boat ... Well, it wasn't really a boat, more of a skiff ... Anyway, it was a Tuesday, or Monday ... it was early in the week. So we got out of the boat, er, skiff, and looked er...
Then our reporter fell asleep.
Clever Cop a Yawner!
Recounting his life experiences as a twenty-five year veteran of the New York police force, beat cop Benjamin Yoskovitz had the crowd of four or five roaring with laughter several times. Minutes flew by like hours as he snapped off lines heard while strip-searching speeders, such as, "On the way to the station, let's get a twelve pack."
Yoskovitz's proudest moment of detective work came when he discovered pounds of narcotics in a car trunk after the driver tipped him off by saying in a panicky voice, "You're not going to check the trunk, are you?"
Business Update
New York clothing designer Benjamin Yoskovitz underbid several foreign rivals and has been awarded a five-year contract to supply thermal underwear to the US Army for $19.95 per unit.
A jubilant Yoskovitz told NFY reporters that since production costs amounted to slightly over $21 each, he was relying on the projected heavy volume of sales to make up the difference and turn a profit. "This is the United States; dynamic, competitive and business-smart," he said.
Retailer in Trouble
New York resident Benjamin Yoskovitz is suing Ikea, the Swedish style furniture store, for millions. It appears that Yoskovitz spent eight days and nights lost in the store. The exits, Yoskovitz claims, were impossible to find and no one from the sales staff responded to Yoskovitz's pleas for assistance.
When reached for comment, Yoskovitz said, "I survived by eating Swedish schaktmastads at the kavateria, drinking plenty of urkig and sleeping on a fine leather staltrad. I washed in the employee pantarta but have to admit my gjutflask is a bit sore and itchy."
Autobiography of normal
As celebrities cash in on their autobiographies on reality shows, an international publisher has contracted Benjamin Yoskovitz to write a book about his own, very dull, normal life, chronicling his daily routine in excruciating detail.
A riveting preview in a New York newspaper revealed that Yoskovitz was chosen to write his autobiography because of the utter normality of his existence. Books by all his relatives and friends are soon to follow.
"It's one of those books that once you put down, you can't pick up again," said his friend, Al Jones.
New York Man Beats The Odds!!
Benjamin Yoskovitz claims he's the luckiest man alive after not one, but two strokes of good fortune this week.
He is flying to Nigeria tomorrow, where a Lagos bank discovered that he is the heir to a $50M fortune left in his name by an anonymous benefactor. On his return he will stop briefly in Amsterdam to pick up his half-share of an International Lottery Ticket, valued at $75M.
"Funny, can't remember buying that ticket," said Yoskovitz. "Maybe it was my friend Al who got it in my name. What a sport!"
In anticipation of a new "jet-set" lifestyle, Yoskovitz has donated all his possessions to charity and begins a future completely unencumbered by any previous vestiges of his past.
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