IN FOCUS
Terrorist Cell Exposed!
Bob York, CEO of Security at the National Department of Bribes, Kickbacks and Graft, has uncovered five suspected terrorists on the government payroll. They were identified as Bin Loafin, Bin Lunchin, Bin Butt-kissin, Bin Scroonup and Bin Sleepin.
A sixth member of the cell, thought to be named Bin Workin, has not been found despite intensive investigations. Anybody thought to have Bin Workin on their project should inform management immediately, York said.
They're everywhere...
Scandal Rocks Golf World
Yet another drug scandal has been uncovered in the world of professional sports, and this time it's golf. In an invitational event at the prestigious Montreal Golf Club, tournament leader Bob York was tested for banned substances and performance enhancing drugs.
Although all the tests came back negative, it was later revealed that the entire spectator gallery tested positive for amphetamines which were consumed in order to keep awake during the completely boring eighteen hole affair.
Drugs are Everywhere!
Pharma Shares Rising!
World Health Organization officials have recommended that the controversial new latex condom manufactured by Montreal Pharma be taken off the market. Apparently users have been developing allergies causing severe swelling when wearing the prophylactic.
Bob York, Production Manager at the Montreal facility, fielded reporters' questions, saying, "What's the problem?"
Sales have doubled since the WHO announcement and many pharmacies have no supplies left because of stockpiling by anxious customers.
Condom Selling Fast!
Rats Getting Stronger
A valid, scientific explanation for the explosion of the rat population in urban centers globally has finally been put forward by local part-time scientist Lorrie Davis. Davis has shown that rats have become healthier, stronger and more reproductive as a result of all the pharmaceutical research taking place - rats being the unwilling beneficiaries of new preventative medicines, antibiotics and miscellaneous cures for all types of diseases. Davis's findings will be published in next months edition of the Baghdad Journal of Medicine.
They're everywhere!
Local Woman Abducted!
A little known terrorist group has kidnapped a local woman. Police received a note from the Montreal Freedom Fighters last night. It stated that Ms. Lorrie Davis was abducted and was being held in an undisclosed location. The immediate motive for the hostage taking was unclear but the note mentioned that Ms. Davis was fine and being treated very well. A photo of the gang (pictured below) was included and the note mentioned that Ms. Davis would be negotiating her own release.
Nasty Kidnappers
Local Mountaineer Stymied
Lorrie Davis has failed in her quest to become the first woman from Montreal to climb 29,000 feet high Mount Everest. Ms. Davis reached a height of 850ft before abandonning the attempt, citing dizziness, lack of oxygen and frostbite, but dismissing rumours that the absence of public washrooms was a major factor.
The team of 32 Sherpa porters, hired by Ms. Davis to transport her wardrobe and kitchenware would be fully paid, she said. Asked if she would try again, Ms. Davis replied that she would stick to social climbing from now on.
Mayor Denies Nepotism Charges
The mayor of Montreal, Lorrie Davis is again facing accusations of corruption and nepotism linked with the thousands of potholes, bumps and cracks in city's roads.
In a statement, the Mayor said, "It is categorically false that my brother owns an asphalt supply company and that my brother-in-law is a road repair contractor. They are simply partners in a lingerie manufacturing company clearly having nothing to do with roads."
In unrelated news, a recent study revealed a direct relationship between bumpy roads and sports bra sales.
Women's Sports Update
Cycling's prestigious Montreal -Timbuktu race was won this year by Lorrie Davis in a record time of 2 years and 12 days.
A crowd of 17 people and 3 donkeys gave a tumultuous welcome as she entered the city after an epic ride, during which she fought off snakes, crocodiles, quumfers and sex-starved Anglican missionaries. Saddle-sore and haggard, she said she was cycling back home.
"My God," gasped friend Malcolm Young, "Another 2 years. She wasn't much to look at when she started, and she's not getting any younger, you know."
A Mary Jane Milestone
A landmark court case started today in the Montreal Courthouse.
Lorrie Davis is charged with possession of 5 grams of high-grade bay leaves with intent to traffic. The alleged illegal substance is allegedly worth an alleged million dollars on the alleged street.
Prosecutor Malcolm Young is planning to make an example of Davis. Defense witness, Norm Peters has testified that the bay leaves were to be used only for pasta sauce and for personal medicinal purposes.
They Really Like It ??
A recent survey of 1,000 women in Montreal reported that women do, in fact, like sex.
Men everywhere are said to be utterly shocked, including Norm Peters, partner of Lorrie Davis, one of the women polled. "They like it? I thought they just did it for us and babies...."
Reporters descended on the couple's home yesterday for further comment from Lorrie Davis, only to find the front door shut, the blinds pulled tight, and the postman running naked out the back door.
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Montreal Woman Recycles spouse
Special Correspondant: Bob York
Recycling Beats Reusing
Local green activist Lorrie Davis has joined a growing number of environmentally conscious women who are recycling their unwanted menfolk.
"I hope Norm will find a good home," she told our reporter. "He does have many good qualities, - I just can't recall any of them right now."
We tracked down Mr.Peters to a recycling plant on the outskirts of Montreal where we found him sitting rather forlornly beside a sorting conveyor. "We're starting to get quite a few of these nowadays," the Yard Supervisor told us. "They're generally outdated and pretty useless, but we manage to recycle most. Some go to the auto industry as crash test dummies, farmers will take a few for scarecrows, fence posts, etc, and small specimens are quite popular with suburban ladies who use them as garden gnomes or simply doormats.
"I don't know about this one, though," he said, nodding towards Mr. Peters, and shaking his head sadly. "Looks like he'll probably end up in the landfill."
Backyard Cookout Visible From Space
Alarm Bells Sounded!
Could have been damaged!
Montreal
A local man was in hot water with NASA this week when his overzealous barbecue grilling set off alarms on an orbiting space satellite.
According to guests interviewed later at a local hospital, Norm Peters was barbecuing ham hocks on his Broil King 5000 when he shouted "Let's get this party started!" and sprayed several gallons of lighter fluid on the grill with a 4-spiral hydraulic hose, commonly used for strip mining.
"My spouse always gets carried away when he smells hot pork," said Lorrie Davis, absent-mindedly rubbing the space where her eyebrows used to be. "This is the first time he's caused an international incident, though. OK, second."
Peters himself was unrepentant, commenting, "You show me a medium-rare ham hock and I'll show you a hog's hind leg!" Meanwhile, the government is reportedly leaving the terror alert level on "high," in case Peters gets a hankering for ribs.
METAA Members Mad
Who really cares
A cute little cashmere!
Montreal
Morons for the Ethical Treatment of Almost Anything or METAA have a new target. Women wearing cashmere or mohair sweaters have complained to police that METAA members have been throwing red paint at their expensive sweaters.
From the lavish METAA headquarters in Montreal, Canada, head moron, Lorrie Davis, elegantly attired in a low-cut leather jumpsuit and hip-high boots explained. "We want to raise awareness. It takes about 100 mohairs or cashmeres to make one size 8 sweater, 150 for the size 12 and God knows how many for the larger woman. We treat these little animals horribly. Their natural habitat is being threatened and we force feed them junk food to fatten them up and then slaughter them for their pelts. It is unacceptable that this goes on, especially since mohairs and cashmeres are so cute and make such excellent pets for young children."
Man Won't Ask Directions
Drives Forever
Lost...
Montreal
Authorities are continuing their search for a local man who refuses to stop and ask for directions.
Norm Peters set out looking for an authorized TV repair shop in eastern Montreal more than two weeks ago. Since then several witnesses have reported spotting him driving around aimlessly, squinting out his car window at street signs.
"I reached Norm on his cell phone once," reported Lorrie Davis, dabbing her eyes with a Kleenex. "I told him he should just stop and ask for directions, but he started making fake static noises and said he had to hang up." She added that Mr. Peters has a history of not asking for directions, including one time on vacation when they drove around for three days looking for their hotel before she was able to wrest the wheel from him and force him into a gas station. "The attendant then called him wimpy, which didn't help," she recalled.
Montreal Celebrity Arrested
Death Plot or Navigational Error?
See you a later, alligator...
Lorrie Davis is facing charges of the attempted murder of her spouse, Norm Peters, in a bizarre tale of sexual intrigue, greed and insurance fraud. Well known for their tempestuous relationship over the years, the couple seemed to have patched up their differences recently, and while vacationing in Florida, Lorrie had offered a gift of a parachute drop to Norm, at a popular tourist attraction. Fortuitously, a last-minute gust of wind carried Mr. Peters clear of what would certainly have been a horrifying and grisly death.(See photo)
Police became suspicious after finding that Ms. Davis had taken out a $1M life insurance policy on her spouse only days before the incident, and that the plane's pilot was a new lover of hers. The pilot, whose name cannot be released pending complicity charges, claims that the drop zone was caused by an error in the plane's new GPS system.
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Local Flirt Teases Tom
A catfight broke out in New York's upscale Four Seasons restaurant last night, when well-known Montreal resident Lorrie Davis reportedly gave the 'come hither' look to Tom Cruise, dining nearby with his new wife, Katie Holmes. Apparently Tom then invited Lorrie over for a drink but Miss Holmes became vocally animated, referring to the female canine side of Ms Davis. A hair-pulling, clawing and cussing match ensued for several minutes before waiters were able to separate the two antagonists.
A Church of Scientology spokesman stated, ''This is one of life's questions to which we have no answer, yet.
Local Woman Late Again
A Montreal woman drew the ire of friends and relatives this week when she showed up late for her own funeral.
"It was annoying enough when she was alive, but this really takes the cake," said her friend Malcolm Young, passing time playing "Rock, Paper, Scissors" with other mourners while waiting for the late Davis to show up.
"This reminds me of the time she was late for the movies and we couldn't go in because we'd already bought her ticket," said her friend. "Except she wasn't dead that time."
Davis could not be reached for comment, being deceased.
Woman 'Extremely Friendly'
A Montreal woman has been named "Friendliest Person Ever" by the National Society of Drunken Barflies.
Lorrie Davis was awarded the honor this week after her 100th successive weekend of being extremely friendly to men she'd met in bars.
"Boy, is she ever FRIENDLY," said one of the lucky men, winking incessantly and nudging a reporter in the ribs. "Particularly after three or four martinis."
Davis said she was honored and that she's always been very friendly, or at least since she was about 16. "Not just to strangers, sometimes they're people I've known for hours," she said.
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