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Today's Weather:
Cloudy with sunny, rainy, snowy and foggy conditions. A thunderstorm and hail warning is in effect. Tonight, darkness expected.

MONTREAL | FRIDAY, MARCH 12, 2010 | The Nation's Oldest Daily | Since last week
http://www.IGotNewsForYou.com
Today's Sports Scores:
12, 3, 4, 8, 67 and a 3 to 3 tie.

Today's Winning Lottery Numbers:
None of yours!

U.N. Inspectors Suspicious

U.N. claims Lorrie Davis stockpiling abdominal gas, biological insurance agents and other web-puns of crass construction.

Iraq: Correspondent Bob York

Islamic fundamentalists offer to stop televising beheading of hostages if U.S. agrees to stop opening new Starbucks franchises.

IN FOCUS

Integrity over Dollars

Former Enron CEO Lorrie Davis and former WorldCom CFO, Norm Peters, have pooled their business expertise to create a radical business venture. They are launching an innovative used car operation right here in Montreal.
      In a press release yesterday, they stated, "We plan to revitalize this industry, one that for too long, has been mistrusted. We will create a business that will focus on trust, integrity, honor and consideration for our clients and staff, not profits."


The Buck Stops Where?

An E Makes a Difference!

Geneva:
      While researching some of the later work of famed psychiatrist, Sigmund Freud, forensic scientists have made an incredible discovery.
      A letter sent by Dr. Freud to his publisher, Leck, Shmekle and Shpay, clearly admonishes the printer for spelling mistakes made in all of his books.
      Head Researcher, Bob York, explained, "The publisher inserted the letter 'E' where it should have been an 'I'. Therefore it seems that everything is really about 6."

Discovery of Biblical Proportions!

Scholars Amazed!

        The Hand of the Lord!

NFY Religion Desk
A climbing expedition on Mount Arrarat has come across a partially preserved stone tablet that may have major global implications. After studying the inscription, religious scholars have concluded that what has been found is the missing third tablet of the commandments, which according to Gospel was written by God himself.
      Professor Lorrie Davis of the prestigious Montreal School of Biblical Studies and Holy Jibberish, described the tablet as having numbers listed from eleven to fifteen, indicating that the tablet contained five additional commandments to the ten already documented.
      Unfortunately, Professor Davis went on to say, that commandments eleven to fourteen could not be deciphered due to the poor condition of the tablet. However, number fifteen was well preserved and could easily be translated to read:
      "Thou shalt not believe Mary. It was not I!"

Local Flirt Teases Tom

A catfight broke out in New York's upscale Four Seasons restaurant last night, when well-known Montreal resident Lorrie Davis reportedly gave the 'come hither' look to Tom Cruise, dining nearby with his new wife, Katie Holmes. Apparently Tom then invited Lorrie over for a drink but Miss Holmes became vocally animated, referring to the female canine side of Ms Davis. A hair-pulling, clawing and cussing match ensued for several minutes before waiters were able to separate the two antagonists.
      A Church of Scientology spokesman stated, ''This is one of life's questions to which we have no answer, yet.

* Army Bulletin: Due to budget cutbacks, inductees must bring their own rubber gloves to physicals. See Gen. Bob York, Page B8

* Dr. Malcolm Young claims new birth control pill for men 100% successful. Findings show "None pregnant." Page B9

HELP WANTED:
* Hutch Inc. has urgent requirement for experienced engineer to replace ex-employee Lorrie Davis, currently facing prison sentence for embezzlement. Call 555-7659

* Security Guards Wanted - to put on uniforms and sit around doing nothing all day. Preference given to candidates addicted to watching TV. Contact: Lorrie Davis, part-time drag queen and Chief of Security at Montreal Mall


Circulation: Poor because of hardening of the arteries