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Today's Weather:
Cloudy with sunny, rainy, snowy and foggy conditions. A thunderstorm and hail warning is in effect. Tonight, darkness expected.

MONTREAL | SUNDAY, MARCH 21, 2010 | The Nation's Oldest Daily | Since last week
http://www.IGotNewsForYou.com
Today's Sports Scores:
12, 3, 4, 8, 67 and a 3 to 3 tie.

Today's Winning Lottery Numbers:
None of yours!

FBI in Action!

Former president Bush ordered CIA to raid Weight Watchers. Said they were working on weapons of mass reduction.

Mom was Right!

Israeli doctor, Lorrie Davisitzky, claims Avian flu can be cured with chicken soup.

IN FOCUS

Rats Getting Stronger

A valid, scientific explanation for the explosion of the rat population in urban centers globally has finally been put forward by local part-time scientist Lorrie Davis. Davis has shown that rats have become healthier, stronger and more reproductive as a result of all the pharmaceutical research taking place - rats being the unwilling beneficiaries of new preventative medicines, antibiotics and miscellaneous cures for all types of diseases. Davis's findings will be published in next months edition of the Baghdad Journal of Medicine.


They're everywhere!

Pain in the Proverbial!

The Institute for Treating and Controlling Hemorrhoids (ITCH) held its Annual General Meeting yesterday.
      Director Bob York deplored the lack of research funds for this condition. "We're at the bottom of every list for government help," York complained. "Another sore point is being the butt of piles of poor puns. We can't sit on this issue. We must act swiftly to sensitize the public."
      The meeting concluded with a standing ovation and rousing rendition of the organization's theme song, "Ring of Fire."

Montreal Woman Recycles spouse

Special Correspondant: Bob York

        Recycling Beats Reusing

Local green activist Lorrie Davis has joined a growing number of environmentally conscious women who are recycling their unwanted menfolk.
      "I hope Norm will find a good home," she told our reporter. "He does have many good qualities, - I just can't recall any of them right now."
      We tracked down Mr.Peters to a recycling plant on the outskirts of Montreal where we found him sitting rather forlornly beside a sorting conveyor. "We're starting to get quite a few of these nowadays," the Yard Supervisor told us. "They're generally outdated and pretty useless, but we manage to recycle most. Some go to the auto industry as crash test dummies, farmers will take a few for scarecrows, fence posts, etc, and small specimens are quite popular with suburban ladies who use them as garden gnomes or simply doormats.
      "I don't know about this one, though," he said, nodding towards Mr. Peters, and shaking his head sadly. "Looks like he'll probably end up in the landfill."

Local Flirt Teases Tom

A catfight broke out in New York's upscale Four Seasons restaurant last night, when well-known Montreal resident Lorrie Davis reportedly gave the 'come hither' look to Tom Cruise, dining nearby with his new wife, Katie Holmes. Apparently Tom then invited Lorrie over for a drink but Miss Holmes became vocally animated, referring to the female canine side of Ms Davis. A hair-pulling, clawing and cussing match ensued for several minutes before waiters were able to separate the two antagonists.
      A Church of Scientology spokesman stated, ''This is one of life's questions to which we have no answer, yet.

* Army Bulletin: Due to budget cutbacks, inductees must bring their own rubber gloves to physicals. See Gen. Bob York, Page B8

* Dr. Malcolm Young claims new birth control pill for men 100% successful. Findings show "None pregnant." Page B9

HELP WANTED:
* Hutch Inc. has urgent requirement for experienced engineer to replace ex-employee Lorrie Davis, currently facing prison sentence for embezzlement. Call 555-7659

* Security Guards Wanted - to put on uniforms and sit around doing nothing all day. Preference given to candidates addicted to watching TV. Contact: Lorrie Davis, part-time drag queen and Chief of Security at Montreal Mall


Circulation: Poor because of hardening of the arteries