IN FOCUS
Integrity over Dollars
Former Enron CEO Lorrie Davis and former WorldCom CFO, Norm Peters, have pooled their business expertise to create a radical business venture. They are launching an innovative used car operation right here in Montreal.
In a press release yesterday, they stated, "We plan to revitalize this industry, one that for too long, has been mistrusted. We will create a business that will focus on trust, integrity, honor and consideration for our clients and staff, not profits."
The Buck Stops Where?
Director Nixes Poster
The Florida Everglades Resort and Trailer Park has announced that it has hired Montreal native, Lorrie Davis as Marketing Director responsible for the Parks new publicity campaign. Although the Parks official promotional poster (pictured below) was expensive to create, Davis pulled the poster from the campaign, stating in a press release, that it might lead tourists to falsely believe that the Park supplied lawn chairs, sunglasses and music headphones. These items, Davis insisted, were solely the responsibility of the Park visitor.
Parks Promo Poster
Hole-in-None
The final day of the LPGA US Women's Open was a real nail-biter.
Montreal sensation Lorrie Davis, up by two strokes on Sweden's Annika Sorenstam, hit a hole-in-one at the 17th green and looked set to take the trophy. However, from force of habit when playing with her Montreal lady friends, she automatically marked one stroke less on her golf card.
The error was picked up by course officials, and she was unfortunately disqualified.
Caught!
Mayor Calls Meeting!
A wave of violent incidents took place in Montreal last night. A Jewish cemetery was desecrated, a Catholic church was broken into, a Buddhist temple was robbed, an Anglican hall was spray-painted and a Hindu shrine was firebombed. Montreal mayor, Lorrie Davis, is spearheading a meeting with leaders of these places of worship, politicians and the local imam (pictured below) to determine if Muslims might be offended by being left out of these attacks and what can be done to apologize for that insult.
May Be Offended!
Local Woman Abducted!
A little known terrorist group has kidnapped a local woman. Police received a note from the Montreal Freedom Fighters last night. It stated that Ms. Lorrie Davis was abducted and was being held in an undisclosed location. The immediate motive for the hostage taking was unclear but the note mentioned that Ms. Davis was fine and being treated very well. A photo of the gang (pictured below) was included and the note mentioned that Ms. Davis would be negotiating her own release.
Nasty Kidnappers
An E Makes a Difference!
Geneva:
While researching some of the later work of famed psychiatrist, Sigmund Freud, forensic scientists have made an incredible discovery.
A letter sent by Dr. Freud to his publisher, Leck, Shmekle and Shpay, clearly admonishes the printer for spelling mistakes made in all of his books.
Head Researcher, Bob York, explained, "The publisher inserted the letter 'E' where it should have been an 'I'. Therefore it seems that everything is really about 6."
Local Mountaineer Stymied
Lorrie Davis has failed in her quest to become the first woman from Montreal to climb 29,000 feet high Mount Everest. Ms. Davis reached a height of 850ft before abandonning the attempt, citing dizziness, lack of oxygen and frostbite, but dismissing rumours that the absence of public washrooms was a major factor.
The team of 32 Sherpa porters, hired by Ms. Davis to transport her wardrobe and kitchenware would be fully paid, she said. Asked if she would try again, Ms. Davis replied that she would stick to social climbing from now on.
Women's Sports Update
Cycling's prestigious Montreal -Timbuktu race was won this year by Lorrie Davis in a record time of 2 years and 12 days.
A crowd of 17 people and 3 donkeys gave a tumultuous welcome as she entered the city after an epic ride, during which she fought off snakes, crocodiles, quumfers and sex-starved Anglican missionaries. Saddle-sore and haggard, she said she was cycling back home.
"My God," gasped friend Malcolm Young, "Another 2 years. She wasn't much to look at when she started, and she's not getting any younger, you know."
Female Wrestler Caught!
Female Russian wrestler, Lorrieesky Davisova, had to relinquish her Olympic Gold Medal yesterday after she was found to have used strength-enhancing drugs.
Malcolm Young, Chief Medical Officer, in an interview with NFY reporters, said, "I became suspicious when we had to provide Davisova with a metal container as the force of her urination kept breaking the glass cups. I was sure Davisova was taking banned substances, however, when after a few days I went to get her sample from the fridge to conduct more tests and found that the urine had solidified into a rock hard block."
Bush Lost Patience
WASHINGTON DC: A secret memo has just been discovered wherein Assistant Press Secretary Bob York wrote that the President had got tired of playing games with Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong il and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
Apparently during on-line tournaments on Yahoo, President Bush had been unable to beat any of these leaders at checkers, tic-tac-toe or hangman. This had been particularly disappointing, since the President's confidence level had been built-up during a series of warm-up games with mentally handicapped persons, who just happened to be working as aides in the White House. Nuclear war was barely averted.
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Discovery of Biblical Proportions!
Scholars Amazed!
The Hand of the Lord!
NFY Religion Desk
A climbing expedition on Mount Arrarat has come across a partially preserved stone tablet that may have major global implications. After studying the inscription, religious scholars have concluded that what has been found is the missing third tablet of the commandments, which according to Gospel was written by God himself.
Professor Lorrie Davis of the prestigious Montreal School of Biblical Studies and Holy Jibberish, described the tablet as having numbers listed from eleven to fifteen, indicating that the tablet contained five additional commandments to the ten already documented.
Unfortunately, Professor Davis went on to say, that commandments eleven to fourteen could not be deciphered due to the poor condition of the tablet. However, number fifteen was well preserved and could easily be translated to read:
"Thou shalt not believe Mary. It was not I!"
Man Mistaken For La-Z-Boy
Could have died!
Is he in there?
Montreal
There was almost a tragedy this week when Lorrie Davis mistook her spouse for a recliner and had him reupholstered. Norm Peters had to have 12 yards of Asian Damask Jacquard fabric surgically removed after Ms.Davis sent him to an upholsterer for a complete refurbishing. "I guess it had been so long since he got up, I just thought he was furniture," she said. "He really should have said something when I put that sheepskin throw rug on him last month."
Peters is expected to survive, although doctors were unable to remove several upholstery tacks from particularly sensitive areas. "There are certain places even a trained physician doesn't want to go," said one doctor.
It was touch and go for a while, however, and there was reportedly an emotional moment after Peters regained consciousness, when he looked up at Lorrie and asked, "Where's the remote?"
Backyard Cookout Visible From Space
Alarm Bells Sounded!
Could have been damaged!
Montreal
A local man was in hot water with NASA this week when his overzealous barbecue grilling set off alarms on an orbiting space satellite.
According to guests interviewed later at a local hospital, Norm Peters was barbecuing ham hocks on his Broil King 5000 when he shouted "Let's get this party started!" and sprayed several gallons of lighter fluid on the grill with a 4-spiral hydraulic hose, commonly used for strip mining.
"My spouse always gets carried away when he smells hot pork," said Lorrie Davis, absent-mindedly rubbing the space where her eyebrows used to be. "This is the first time he's caused an international incident, though. OK, second."
Peters himself was unrepentant, commenting, "You show me a medium-rare ham hock and I'll show you a hog's hind leg!" Meanwhile, the government is reportedly leaving the terror alert level on "high," in case Peters gets a hankering for ribs.
Man Won't Ask Directions
Drives Forever
Lost...
Montreal
Authorities are continuing their search for a local man who refuses to stop and ask for directions.
Norm Peters set out looking for an authorized TV repair shop in eastern Montreal more than two weeks ago. Since then several witnesses have reported spotting him driving around aimlessly, squinting out his car window at street signs.
"I reached Norm on his cell phone once," reported Lorrie Davis, dabbing her eyes with a Kleenex. "I told him he should just stop and ask for directions, but he started making fake static noises and said he had to hang up." She added that Mr. Peters has a history of not asking for directions, including one time on vacation when they drove around for three days looking for their hotel before she was able to wrest the wheel from him and force him into a gas station. "The attendant then called him wimpy, which didn't help," she recalled.
Easter Bunny Role Questioned!
How can she!
She has a nerve!
A local woman is under fire from Montreal Christians after asking what the Easter Bunny has to do with the crucifixion. Lorrie Davis posed the question at the local church's Easter Social, at which time the room immediately went silent, every head turned in her direction and several small children burst into tears. Then she was castigated by the deacon.
"It just seems odd that the holiest day on the Christian calendar would be represented by a 7-foot-tall pink rabbit," Davis told reporters after escaping the unruly mob. "I mean, on Yom Kippur you don't see Jews solemnly atoning for their sins by visiting a giant purple aardvark named 'Kippy.'" Then she was castigated by Mel Gibson.
For their part, Christians have pledged to continue castigating Davis as long as she persists in maligning their sacred bunny, whom they say must have religious significance, or else he would be allowed in public schools.
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Local Flirt Teases Tom
A catfight broke out in New York's upscale Four Seasons restaurant last night, when well-known Montreal resident Lorrie Davis reportedly gave the 'come hither' look to Tom Cruise, dining nearby with his new wife, Katie Holmes. Apparently Tom then invited Lorrie over for a drink but Miss Holmes became vocally animated, referring to the female canine side of Ms Davis. A hair-pulling, clawing and cussing match ensued for several minutes before waiters were able to separate the two antagonists.
A Church of Scientology spokesman stated, ''This is one of life's questions to which we have no answer, yet.
Local Woman Late Again
A Montreal woman drew the ire of friends and relatives this week when she showed up late for her own funeral.
"It was annoying enough when she was alive, but this really takes the cake," said her friend Malcolm Young, passing time playing "Rock, Paper, Scissors" with other mourners while waiting for the late Davis to show up.
"This reminds me of the time she was late for the movies and we couldn't go in because we'd already bought her ticket," said her friend. "Except she wasn't dead that time."
Davis could not be reached for comment, being deceased.
Woman 'Extremely Friendly'
A Montreal woman has been named "Friendliest Person Ever" by the National Society of Drunken Barflies.
Lorrie Davis was awarded the honor this week after her 100th successive weekend of being extremely friendly to men she'd met in bars.
"Boy, is she ever FRIENDLY," said one of the lucky men, winking incessantly and nudging a reporter in the ribs. "Particularly after three or four martinis."
Davis said she was honored and that she's always been very friendly, or at least since she was about 16. "Not just to strangers, sometimes they're people I've known for hours," she said.
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