IN FOCUS
Swine Flu Advisory
Officials of the Montreal Department of Health, in an effort to provide a public service and to keep their phony-baloney jobs, have made an important announcement regarding how citizens should plan to deal with a possible Swine Flu outbreak in their city.
Chief epidemiologist, Dr. Lorrie Davis, suggested washing hands properly and frequently, avoiding large crowds and if you wake up looking like the photograph below, please don't go to work or school.
Sick...very, very sick
Terrorist Cell Exposed!
Bob York, CEO of Security at the National Department of Bribes, Kickbacks and Graft, has uncovered five suspected terrorists on the government payroll. They were identified as Bin Loafin, Bin Lunchin, Bin Butt-kissin, Bin Scroonup and Bin Sleepin.
A sixth member of the cell, thought to be named Bin Workin, has not been found despite intensive investigations. Anybody thought to have Bin Workin on their project should inform management immediately, York said.
They're everywhere...
Hole-in-None
The final day of the LPGA US Women's Open was a real nail-biter.
Montreal sensation Lorrie Davis, up by two strokes on Sweden's Annika Sorenstam, hit a hole-in-one at the 17th green and looked set to take the trophy. However, from force of habit when playing with her Montreal lady friends, she automatically marked one stroke less on her golf card.
The error was picked up by course officials, and she was unfortunately disqualified.
Caught!
Museum Masterpiece!
World-renowned artist Lorrieana Davisini has her latest work currently displayed at the Montreal Museum of Fine Arts. Thousands of visitors have gazed upon this impressive creation entitled 'Camel in a Sandstorm'. It is a stark, visual, and emotionally moving canvas painted entirely in dramatic beige, with no lines or color variations to disturb the viewer's contemplation.
The museum purchased the work for an undisclosed sum of $12.5M. ''It's a steal!'' says curator Bob York.
It's there, really, somewhere
Mayor Calls Meeting!
A wave of violent incidents took place in Montreal last night. A Jewish cemetery was desecrated, a Catholic church was broken into, a Buddhist temple was robbed, an Anglican hall was spray-painted and a Hindu shrine was firebombed. Montreal mayor, Lorrie Davis, is spearheading a meeting with leaders of these places of worship, politicians and the local imam (pictured below) to determine if Muslims might be offended by being left out of these attacks and what can be done to apologize for that insult.
May Be Offended!
Mayor Denies Nepotism Charges
The mayor of Montreal, Lorrie Davis is again facing accusations of corruption and nepotism linked with the thousands of potholes, bumps and cracks in city's roads.
In a statement, the Mayor said, "It is categorically false that my brother owns an asphalt supply company and that my brother-in-law is a road repair contractor. They are simply partners in a lingerie manufacturing company clearly having nothing to do with roads."
In unrelated news, a recent study revealed a direct relationship between bumpy roads and sports bra sales.
Female Wrestler Caught!
Female Russian wrestler, Lorrieesky Davisova, had to relinquish her Olympic Gold Medal yesterday after she was found to have used strength-enhancing drugs.
Malcolm Young, Chief Medical Officer, in an interview with NFY reporters, said, "I became suspicious when we had to provide Davisova with a metal container as the force of her urination kept breaking the glass cups. I was sure Davisova was taking banned substances, however, when after a few days I went to get her sample from the fridge to conduct more tests and found that the urine had solidified into a rock hard block."
Bush Lost Patience
WASHINGTON DC: A secret memo has just been discovered wherein Assistant Press Secretary Bob York wrote that the President had got tired of playing games with Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong il and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
Apparently during on-line tournaments on Yahoo, President Bush had been unable to beat any of these leaders at checkers, tic-tac-toe or hangman. This had been particularly disappointing, since the President's confidence level had been built-up during a series of warm-up games with mentally handicapped persons, who just happened to be working as aides in the White House. Nuclear war was barely averted.
Montreal Author Guesting on Oprah!
A local woman, Lorrie Davis, has been invited to be a guest on the Oprah Winfrey Show as she has just completed her first book, entitled "The Woman's Perfect Breakfast". In an exclusive interview with NFY reporter, Bob York, Ms Davis said that the woman's perfect breakfast is when she's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
Democracy In Action
Bowing to pressure from various Muslim groups to end the practice of racial profiling at border crossings into Canada, Lorrie Davis, Minister of Homeland Insecurity and Paranoia, has ordered border guards to change their current politically incorrect procedures.
"Starting immediately, short, swarthy, nervous men of Middle Eastern origin will be allowed through unchallenged and unhampered. Tall, blond, Scandinavian males must be stopped, strip-searched, questioned, background checks completed and embassies notified before getting access into our country."
|
Lorrie Davis's Approval Rating Down!
Drastic Measures Called For!
She's not too happy!
A local woman is reconsidering her life strategy now that a new poll shows her approval ratings have fallen to an all-time low of 37 percent.
"I'm really not sure how this happened," said Lorrie Davis of Montreal, who added she has generally considered herself "well-liked, at least in the 60 to 65 percent range."
Friends and family of Davis apparently disagree, rating her much lower, and particularly poorly in important demographic groups such as "immediate family" and "people pretending to be close friends." Davis did fare slightly better (44 percent) with "elderly, partially senile relatives and ex-lovers," according to the poll.
Davis and her adviser, Malcolm Young, have been mulling new approaches, including "kinder," "gentler" and "less of a b**ch." "I'm doing my best with what I have to work with," said a clearly exhausted Young, reeking of coffee and perspiration. "But let's face it, 37 percent seems about right for this babe."
Montreal Woman Recycles spouse
Special Correspondant: Bob York
Recycling Beats Reusing
Local green activist Lorrie Davis has joined a growing number of environmentally conscious women who are recycling their unwanted menfolk.
"I hope Norm will find a good home," she told our reporter. "He does have many good qualities, - I just can't recall any of them right now."
We tracked down Mr.Peters to a recycling plant on the outskirts of Montreal where we found him sitting rather forlornly beside a sorting conveyor. "We're starting to get quite a few of these nowadays," the Yard Supervisor told us. "They're generally outdated and pretty useless, but we manage to recycle most. Some go to the auto industry as crash test dummies, farmers will take a few for scarecrows, fence posts, etc, and small specimens are quite popular with suburban ladies who use them as garden gnomes or simply doormats.
"I don't know about this one, though," he said, nodding towards Mr. Peters, and shaking his head sadly. "Looks like he'll probably end up in the landfill."
Montreal Celebrity Arrested
Death Plot or Navigational Error?
See you a later, alligator...
Lorrie Davis is facing charges of the attempted murder of her spouse, Norm Peters, in a bizarre tale of sexual intrigue, greed and insurance fraud. Well known for their tempestuous relationship over the years, the couple seemed to have patched up their differences recently, and while vacationing in Florida, Lorrie had offered a gift of a parachute drop to Norm, at a popular tourist attraction. Fortuitously, a last-minute gust of wind carried Mr. Peters clear of what would certainly have been a horrifying and grisly death.(See photo)
Police became suspicious after finding that Ms. Davis had taken out a $1M life insurance policy on her spouse only days before the incident, and that the plane's pilot was a new lover of hers. The pilot, whose name cannot be released pending complicity charges, claims that the drop zone was caused by an error in the plane's new GPS system.
New Species Discovered!
Furor over Furry Fellow
Scientists Impressed
Montreal resident and part-time biologist, Lorrie Davis, while vacationing recently in Miami Beach Florida, made a startling discovery that is creating a huge buzz in scientific circles.
Davis, while strolling leisurely to the Miami Mega-Mall to do some window-shopping with a few friends, noticed a cute furry little creature walking alongside.
In spite of recurring forgetfulness, ever-increasing apathy and a lazy bladder, Davis had the presence of mind to snap a photograph of the little beast (pictured here). After extensive checking with world scientific authorities, the Internet and the Office of Homeland Security and Strange Sightings, it has been officially confirmed that the little animal is indeed a new species of squirrel, never before seen.
Davis managed to befriend the now-named, "South Florida Davis Squirrel", and the two of them can often be seen together at the Mall, having a coffee and doughnut.
METAA Members Mad
Who really cares
A cute little cashmere!
Montreal
Morons for the Ethical Treatment of Almost Anything or METAA have a new target. Women wearing cashmere or mohair sweaters have complained to police that METAA members have been throwing red paint at their expensive sweaters.
From the lavish METAA headquarters in Montreal, Canada, head moron, Lorrie Davis, elegantly attired in a low-cut leather jumpsuit and hip-high boots explained. "We want to raise awareness. It takes about 100 mohairs or cashmeres to make one size 8 sweater, 150 for the size 12 and God knows how many for the larger woman. We treat these little animals horribly. Their natural habitat is being threatened and we force feed them junk food to fatten them up and then slaughter them for their pelts. It is unacceptable that this goes on, especially since mohairs and cashmeres are so cute and make such excellent pets for young children."
|
