IN FOCUS
Rats Getting Stronger
A valid, scientific explanation for the explosion of the rat population in urban centers globally has finally been put forward by local part-time scientist Lorrie Davis. Davis has shown that rats have become healthier, stronger and more reproductive as a result of all the pharmaceutical research taking place - rats being the unwilling beneficiaries of new preventative medicines, antibiotics and miscellaneous cures for all types of diseases. Davis's findings will be published in next months edition of the Baghdad Journal of Medicine.
They're everywhere!
Taking Years Off!
Medical Researcher Bob York claims to have discovered a way to reverse the aging process.
At a news conference Dr. York explained, "Modern medicine has evolved to the point where we can change our organs, change our appearance, and even change gender; so why not change our age also? To that end, I have opened the world's first age reassignment clinic. Just bring in your Birth Certificate and
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Deceiving Appearances!
Street Racing Fears
Montreal police chief, Lorrie Davis has been heavily criticized for not doing enough to stop the dangerous pastime of street racing in local residential neighborhoods. Defending the police force's record, Chief Davis, in a press conference yesterday said, "Our force is the best. We have had great success in stopping street racing. Just last week, a camera caught these people racing and although we didn't catch them because the officer lost control and totaled the patrol car, we almost have a positive identification and arrests are expected within the next six months or so."
Very dangerous....
Terrorist Cell Exposed!
Bob York, CEO of Security at the National Department of Bribes, Kickbacks and Graft, has uncovered five suspected terrorists on the government payroll. They were identified as Bin Loafin, Bin Lunchin, Bin Butt-kissin, Bin Scroonup and Bin Sleepin.
A sixth member of the cell, thought to be named Bin Workin, has not been found despite intensive investigations. Anybody thought to have Bin Workin on their project should inform management immediately, York said.
They're everywhere...
Local Woman Abducted!
A little known terrorist group has kidnapped a local woman. Police received a note from the Montreal Freedom Fighters last night. It stated that Ms. Lorrie Davis was abducted and was being held in an undisclosed location. The immediate motive for the hostage taking was unclear but the note mentioned that Ms. Davis was fine and being treated very well. A photo of the gang (pictured below) was included and the note mentioned that Ms. Davis would be negotiating her own release.
Nasty Kidnappers
Pain in the Proverbial!
The Institute for Treating and Controlling Hemorrhoids (ITCH) held its Annual General Meeting yesterday.
Director Bob York deplored the lack of research funds for this condition. "We're at the bottom of every list for government help," York complained. "Another sore point is being the butt of piles of poor puns. We can't sit on this issue. We must act swiftly to sensitize the public."
The meeting concluded with a standing ovation and rousing rendition of the organization's theme song, "Ring of Fire."
Mayor Denies Nepotism Charges
The mayor of Montreal, Lorrie Davis is again facing accusations of corruption and nepotism linked with the thousands of potholes, bumps and cracks in city's roads.
In a statement, the Mayor said, "It is categorically false that my brother owns an asphalt supply company and that my brother-in-law is a road repair contractor. They are simply partners in a lingerie manufacturing company clearly having nothing to do with roads."
In unrelated news, a recent study revealed a direct relationship between bumpy roads and sports bra sales.
Women's Sports Update
Cycling's prestigious Montreal -Timbuktu race was won this year by Lorrie Davis in a record time of 2 years and 12 days.
A crowd of 17 people and 3 donkeys gave a tumultuous welcome as she entered the city after an epic ride, during which she fought off snakes, crocodiles, quumfers and sex-starved Anglican missionaries. Saddle-sore and haggard, she said she was cycling back home.
"My God," gasped friend Malcolm Young, "Another 2 years. She wasn't much to look at when she started, and she's not getting any younger, you know."
Model Misses Festival!
Supermodel and aspiring B-movie actress, Lorrie Davis, revealed in a press conference today that she would not be attending the Montreal film festival next month.
Davis, glamorous as always, arrived at the interview by chauffeur driven Smart Car limousine.
Davis revealed that she has been recently diagnosed with a sexually transmitted disease and although the disease is relatively harmless, it is known to be highly contagious. When asked why the disease would prevent her from attending the gala annual film fest, Ms. Davis replied, "Well duuuh, I can't very well audition for any film roles in my condition."
Local Mountaineer Stymied
Lorrie Davis has failed in her quest to become the first woman from Montreal to climb 29,000 feet high Mount Everest. Ms. Davis reached a height of 850ft before abandonning the attempt, citing dizziness, lack of oxygen and frostbite, but dismissing rumours that the absence of public washrooms was a major factor.
The team of 32 Sherpa porters, hired by Ms. Davis to transport her wardrobe and kitchenware would be fully paid, she said. Asked if she would try again, Ms. Davis replied that she would stick to social climbing from now on.
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Montreal Woman Recycles spouse
Special Correspondant: Bob York
Recycling Beats Reusing
Local green activist Lorrie Davis has joined a growing number of environmentally conscious women who are recycling their unwanted menfolk.
"I hope Norm will find a good home," she told our reporter. "He does have many good qualities, - I just can't recall any of them right now."
We tracked down Mr.Peters to a recycling plant on the outskirts of Montreal where we found him sitting rather forlornly beside a sorting conveyor. "We're starting to get quite a few of these nowadays," the Yard Supervisor told us. "They're generally outdated and pretty useless, but we manage to recycle most. Some go to the auto industry as crash test dummies, farmers will take a few for scarecrows, fence posts, etc, and small specimens are quite popular with suburban ladies who use them as garden gnomes or simply doormats.
"I don't know about this one, though," he said, nodding towards Mr. Peters, and shaking his head sadly. "Looks like he'll probably end up in the landfill."
METAA Members Mad
Who really cares
A cute little cashmere!
Montreal
Morons for the Ethical Treatment of Almost Anything or METAA have a new target. Women wearing cashmere or mohair sweaters have complained to police that METAA members have been throwing red paint at their expensive sweaters.
From the lavish METAA headquarters in Montreal, Canada, head moron, Lorrie Davis, elegantly attired in a low-cut leather jumpsuit and hip-high boots explained. "We want to raise awareness. It takes about 100 mohairs or cashmeres to make one size 8 sweater, 150 for the size 12 and God knows how many for the larger woman. We treat these little animals horribly. Their natural habitat is being threatened and we force feed them junk food to fatten them up and then slaughter them for their pelts. It is unacceptable that this goes on, especially since mohairs and cashmeres are so cute and make such excellent pets for young children."
Discovery of Biblical Proportions!
Scholars Amazed!
The Hand of the Lord!
NFY Religion Desk
A climbing expedition on Mount Arrarat has come across a partially preserved stone tablet that may have major global implications. After studying the inscription, religious scholars have concluded that what has been found is the missing third tablet of the commandments, which according to Gospel was written by God himself.
Professor Lorrie Davis of the prestigious Montreal School of Biblical Studies and Holy Jibberish, described the tablet as having numbers listed from eleven to fifteen, indicating that the tablet contained five additional commandments to the ten already documented.
Unfortunately, Professor Davis went on to say, that commandments eleven to fourteen could not be deciphered due to the poor condition of the tablet. However, number fifteen was well preserved and could easily be translated to read:
"Thou shalt not believe Mary. It was not I!"
Man Won't Ask Directions
Drives Forever
Lost...
Montreal
Authorities are continuing their search for a local man who refuses to stop and ask for directions.
Norm Peters set out looking for an authorized TV repair shop in eastern Montreal more than two weeks ago. Since then several witnesses have reported spotting him driving around aimlessly, squinting out his car window at street signs.
"I reached Norm on his cell phone once," reported Lorrie Davis, dabbing her eyes with a Kleenex. "I told him he should just stop and ask for directions, but he started making fake static noises and said he had to hang up." She added that Mr. Peters has a history of not asking for directions, including one time on vacation when they drove around for three days looking for their hotel before she was able to wrest the wheel from him and force him into a gas station. "The attendant then called him wimpy, which didn't help," she recalled.
Easter Bunny Role Questioned!
How can she!
She has a nerve!
A local woman is under fire from Montreal Christians after asking what the Easter Bunny has to do with the crucifixion. Lorrie Davis posed the question at the local church's Easter Social, at which time the room immediately went silent, every head turned in her direction and several small children burst into tears. Then she was castigated by the deacon.
"It just seems odd that the holiest day on the Christian calendar would be represented by a 7-foot-tall pink rabbit," Davis told reporters after escaping the unruly mob. "I mean, on Yom Kippur you don't see Jews solemnly atoning for their sins by visiting a giant purple aardvark named 'Kippy.'" Then she was castigated by Mel Gibson.
For their part, Christians have pledged to continue castigating Davis as long as she persists in maligning their sacred bunny, whom they say must have religious significance, or else he would be allowed in public schools.
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Local Flirt Teases Tom
A catfight broke out in New York's upscale Four Seasons restaurant last night, when well-known Montreal resident Lorrie Davis reportedly gave the 'come hither' look to Tom Cruise, dining nearby with his new wife, Katie Holmes. Apparently Tom then invited Lorrie over for a drink but Miss Holmes became vocally animated, referring to the female canine side of Ms Davis. A hair-pulling, clawing and cussing match ensued for several minutes before waiters were able to separate the two antagonists.
A Church of Scientology spokesman stated, ''This is one of life's questions to which we have no answer, yet.
Local Woman Late Again
A Montreal woman drew the ire of friends and relatives this week when she showed up late for her own funeral.
"It was annoying enough when she was alive, but this really takes the cake," said her friend Malcolm Young, passing time playing "Rock, Paper, Scissors" with other mourners while waiting for the late Davis to show up.
"This reminds me of the time she was late for the movies and we couldn't go in because we'd already bought her ticket," said her friend. "Except she wasn't dead that time."
Davis could not be reached for comment, being deceased.
Woman 'Extremely Friendly'
A Montreal woman has been named "Friendliest Person Ever" by the National Society of Drunken Barflies.
Lorrie Davis was awarded the honor this week after her 100th successive weekend of being extremely friendly to men she'd met in bars.
"Boy, is she ever FRIENDLY," said one of the lucky men, winking incessantly and nudging a reporter in the ribs. "Particularly after three or four martinis."
Davis said she was honored and that she's always been very friendly, or at least since she was about 16. "Not just to strangers, sometimes they're people I've known for hours," she said.
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