IN FOCUS
Terrorist Cell Exposed!
Ima Siren, CEO of Security at the National Department of Bribes, Kickbacks and Graft, has uncovered five suspected terrorists on the government payroll. They were identified as Bin Loafin, Bin Lunchin, Bin Butt-kissin, Bin Scroonup and Bin Sleepin.
A sixth member of the cell, thought to be named Bin Workin, has not been found despite intensive investigations. Anybody thought to have Bin Workin on their project should inform management immediately, Siren said.
They're everywhere...
An E Makes a Difference!
Geneva:
While researching some of the later work of famed psychiatrist, Sigmund Freud, forensic scientists have made an incredible discovery.
A letter sent by Dr. Freud to his publisher, Leck, Shmekle and Shpay, clearly admonishes the printer for spelling mistakes made in all of his books.
Head Researcher, Ima Siren, explained, "The publisher inserted the letter 'E' where it should have been an 'I'. Therefore it seems that everything is really about 6."
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Greene Sets Rejection Record
Still Looking For Miss Right
Just Can't Win!
A Philadephia man marked a personal milestone this week when he received his 1,000th rejection by a member of the opposite sex.
"Believe it or not, it sort of snuck up on me," said Jeff Greene, who was turned down Friday by a woman who said she was "tired," and planned to continue being tired for the next several months. Over the course of the 1,000 rejections, Greene says has heard hundreds of different excuses, including, "That would be against my religion," "I would, but I'm pretty sure you're gay" and "I need to be faithful to my future husband who I haven't met yet." He also estimates his advances have been met with humiliating peals of laughter at least 200 times.
On the other hand, he's proud to note that despite his impressive rejection record, he has yet to log a single restraining order. "Bet you Cheryl Baumgartner can't say that!" noted Greene, in reference to his friend, who's wanted in six states and several other countries.
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Clerics Fear for Virtue!
Cheryl Baumgartner
Field Reporter
Philadephia -
Philadephia: There were two more incidents of sexual molestations of middle-aged clergymen in Philadephia last night, bringing the total to 17 this month.
Chief of Police, Jeff Greene, is under fire for his failure to make an arrest and for his go-it-alone approach, spurning offers of help from Scotland Yard and FBI experts.
"This is my case and it is my ass that is on the line", he said. "I don't want anybody else sticking their noses in and sniffing around."
Inspector Greene requested that the hundreds of sympathetic, visiting clergymen return to their homes and stop wandering the streets at night.
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Cheery Man U.N. Choice
The U.N. Secretary-General has hired Jeff Greene of Philadephia as a goodwill ambassador, noting, "That man could cheer up the people falling out of the Hindenburg."
The U.N. hopes to use Greene's sunny disposition as a way to raise the spirits of earthquake victims, injured soldiers and starving poor people. Reached in Africa, Greene said, "This is really great, just awesome!" as he told knock-knock jokes to lepers.
The plan is to eventually parachute Greene into the mountains of Afghanistan to cheer up Osama Bin Laden. "An hour with Jeff," said friend Cheryl Baumgartner, "and he'll be as harmless as a Hari Krishna."
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