Today's Weather:
Deep depression moving into Washington area. Light winds,
with gusts to Force 8.
Today's high: Cocaine.
Tonight's low: Very
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WASHINGTON | WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 08, 2010 | The Nation's Oldest Daily | Since last week
http://www.IGotNewsForYou.com |
Today's Stock Market Top Picks:
None of yours.
Today's Losing Lottery Numbers:
1, 12, 8, 14, 28, 32, 48
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IN FOCUS
UN Update!
The United Nations' "Committee for Gender Equality" has passed a resolution condemning the polygamous Morman sect living in Bountiful, British Columbia.
Committee Chairman, Bill Clinton, stated in a press release: "It is unacceptable that a man should have several wives in this, the 21st century. No man should have to suffer such cruel and unusual punishment." UN peacekeepers may be deployed to protect the sect's male population from female predators.
It just ain't right!
They Really Like It ??
A recent survey of 1,000 women in Washington, DC reported that women do, in fact, like sex.
Men everywhere are said to be utterly shocked, including Bill Clinton, partner of Hillary Clinton, one of the women polled. "They like it? I thought they just did it for us and babies...."
Reporters descended on the couple's home yesterday for further comment from Hillary Clinton, only to find the front door shut, the blinds pulled tight, and the postman running naked out the back door.
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Reassurance From Iran
World Breathes Easier
A Brilliant Diplomat!
From the NFY Political Desk
The winner of the NFY quote of the week, in the category of "What was that again?" is Iranian Foreign Minister Bill Moumad Al-Clinton, currently on a world tour in an effort to ease global concerns about Iran and promote tourism to that country.
In an interview with NFY reporter, Ben Yoskovitz, yesterday, Al-Clinton said, "We wish to become members of the community of civilized nations. Let me be clear that we welcome you and hope you will visit our peaceful nation. Our beloved leader, Osama BinWhatthehell and Al'Jazeerah in Gaza have both stated firmly that Shi'ites and Sunnis in sympathy with our brothers and sisters of Hezbollah and Al'Qaeda will no longer fatwa their burkas and chadors for the jihad liberation of the intifadah martyrs in opposition to western aggression for the sake of a few Hamas freedom fighters in any disputed territories. So as you can see, you can be assured of a fun vacation in our country."
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Botched Bobbitt!
Ben Yoskovitz
Field Reporter
Washington -
Mr. Bill Clinton, of Washington, DC, was aquitted yesterday of a charge of indecent exposure. The judge opined that he had suffered enough.
Police records stated that Clinton had been flaunting his privates in front of a neighbor's window in an attempt to woo her. Far from being impressed, the woman flew at him with a pair of scissors, screaming that she would "cut the damn thing off".
Fortunately, Mr. Clinton managed to deflect the weapon and suffered only minor scrotum punctures and superficial cuts on the thigh.
The woman's original charge of grievous bodily harm was reduced to that of a simple mis-de-wiener.
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Know-it-all Knocks NASA
A Washington man on a tour of Cape Canaveral has assumed control of NASA, saying he could do a better job running the operation than “these pinheaded yahoos.”
Bill Clinton was on vacation in Florida when he took the tour, during which he continually corrected NASA personnel using various bits of space program arcana he’d picked up on NOVA and by watching “Star Trek” reruns.
“Clearly they need someone with just a little more knowledge about the subject,” Clinton said. When reminded that the NASA workers were in fact rocket scientists, he responded, “Ooooh, rocket scientists! … Morons.”
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