IN FOCUS
Charles's Troubles Mount!
Prince Charles is trying to prevent excerpts from his missing diaries from becoming public. His lawyer, Ben Yoskovitz, issued a statement yesterday saying that diary references to Charles and Camilla having two children years ago out of wedlock are absurd.
However, after extensive investigation, NFY Reporter Mike Sansone has discovered that this is indeed true. One child is pulling a plow in a Lincolnshire potato field, the other is running next month in the Epsom Derby.
Poor guy!
Democracy In Action
Bowing to pressure from various Muslim groups to end the practice of racial profiling at border crossings into Canada, Ben Yoskovitz, Minister of Homeland Insecurity and Paranoia, has ordered border guards to change their current politically incorrect procedures.
"Starting immediately, short, swarthy, nervous men of Middle Eastern origin will be allowed through unchallenged and unhampered. Tall, blond, Scandinavian males must be stopped, strip-searched, questioned, background checks completed and embassies notified before getting access into our country."
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Local Man Sets Rejection Record
Still Looking For Miss Right
Just Can't Win!
A Global Citizen man marked a personal milestone this week when he received his 1,000th rejection by a member of the opposite sex.
“Believe it or not, it sort of snuck up on me,” said Ben Yoskovitz, who was turned down Friday by a woman who said she was “tired,” and planned to continue being tired for the next several months. Over the course of the 1,000 rejections, Yoskovitz says he’s heard hundreds of different excuses, including, “That would be against my religion,” “I would, but I’m pretty sure you’re gay” and “I need to be faithful to my future husband who I haven’t met yet.” He also estimates his advances have been met with humiliating peals of laughter at least 200 times.
On the other hand, he’s proud to note that despite his impressive rejection record, he has yet to log a single restraining order. “Bet you Mike Sansone can’t say that!” noted Yoskovitz, in reference to his friend, who’s wanted in six states and several other countries.
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Martyrs Overjoyed!
Mike Sansone
Field Reporter
Global Citizen -
Local radical imam, Mouammar bin-Yoskovitzaoui, in his weekly address to his flock yesterday, made a startling announcement, as reported to NFY.
He said, "It is with mixed feelings that I have to tell you, my brothers, that because of the great number of martyrs who gave their lives in the past few years, Heaven unfortunately has no more pure virgins to offer. Some slightly used virgins are still available, but the Prophet has sent word that, starting immediately, Heaven will also offer martyrs 42" plasma TV sets as rewards for their ultimate sacrifice."
Experts believe that suicide bombing will immediately be on the increase.
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This Month's Book Review
Ben Yoskovitz has written a critically acclaimed book "Career Opportunities for English Majors" but NFY reviewer, Mike Sansone, is giving it a three-thumbs down.
"Honestly, the prose is rather inelegant and not really on a par with classic writing," says Sansone. "It could be dramatically improved by adhering to basic language rules. For example, contractions aren't appropriate at anytime, one should never generalize and prepositions are not words to end sentences with. Yoskovitz should try to be more or less specific and should avoid redundancy and using too many words."
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