Today's Weather:
Tornado warning for Hunker area. Heavy rain and flooding expected later.
Sunrise: Around dawn.
Sunset: Just before dusk
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HUNKER | WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 08, 2010 | The Nation's Oldest Daily | Since last week
http://www.IGotNewsForYou.com |
Today's Stock Market Top Picks:
None of yours.
Today's Losing Lottery Numbers:
1, 12, 8, 14, 28, 32, 48
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IN FOCUS
Hole-in-None
The final day of the LPGA US Women's Open was a real nail-biter.
Hunker sensation Deborah Bowser, up by two strokes on Sweden's Annika Sorenstam, hit a hole-in-one at the 17th green and looked set to take the trophy. However, from force of habit when playing with her Hunker lady friends, she automatically marked one stroke less on her golf card.
The error was picked up by course officials, and she was unfortunately disqualified.
Caught!
Pandemic Prevention!
An unlikely hero in the global war against the frightening Avian Flu has emerged.
Josephian Shumeian, President of Armenia, watches children's TV shows for six hours every single day and noticed that both Donald and Daisy Duck sniffled several times and Big Bird once actually sneezed. President Shumeian alerted the United Nations and the World Health Organization.
Trisha Shume, Head of WHO, immediately issued an arrest warrant for the three birds.
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Man Mistaken For La-Z-Boy
Could have died!
Is he in there?
Hunker
There was almost a tragedy this week when Deborah Bowser mistook her husband for a recliner and had him reupholstered. Lee Bowser had to have 12 yards of Asian Damask Jacquard fabric surgically removed after Ms.Bowser sent him to an upholsterer for a complete refurbishing. "I guess it had been so long since he got up, I just thought he was furniture," she said. "He really should have said something when I put that sheepskin throw rug on him last month."
Bowser is expected to survive, although doctors were unable to remove several upholstery tacks from particularly sensitive areas. "There are certain places even a trained physician doesn't want to go," said one doctor.
It was touch and go for a while, however, and there was reportedly an emotional moment after Bowser regained consciousness, when he looked up at Deborah and asked, "Where's the remote?"
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More Commandments Deciphered!
Trisha Shume
Field Reporter
Hunker -
Excitement mounts in the academic world as scholars continue studying the stone tablets recently unearthed on Mount Arrarat.
Professor Deborah Bowser of the prestigious Hunker School of Biblical Studies, told incredulous reporters that the tablets appeared to be updating the original commandments, as well as being more politically correct. Two more have been recently revealed:
No.7 Rev.1 reads ''Thou mayest occasionally commit adultery, so long as thou dost not get caught''
No.10 Rev.1 reads ''Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's ass, nor his/her wife's/husband's ass, nor anything that is his/hers, including their Mercedes-Benz.
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Local Woman Late Again
A Hunker woman drew the ire of friends and relatives this week when she showed up late for her own funeral.
"It was annoying enough when she was alive, but this really takes the cake," said her best friend Trisha Shume, passing time playing "Rock, Paper, Scissors" with other mourners while waiting for the late Bowser to show up.
"This reminds me of the time she was late for the movies and we couldn't go in because we'd already bought her ticket," said her best friend. "Except she wasn't dead that time."
Bowser could not be reached for comment, being deceased.
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