IN FOCUS
Womans Group Determined!
A group dedicated to raising awareness of women suffering with partners who do not or will not perform has just launched its official campaign. Pickles Claussen, president of "Women Against Reluctant Men" or "WARM", demonstrated the group's new hard-hitting poster at a news conference held in Waukegan. The group's slogans, such as, "Get in the saddle, pronto! Cowboy!", "Hey Big Boy, you think you have a headache now?" or "You shoot early, you die!" were also presented.
Group's Campaign Poster
Model Misses Festival!
Supermodel and aspiring B-movie actress, Pickles Claussen, revealed in a press conference today that she would not be attending the Waukegan film festival next month.
Claussen, glamorous as always, arrived at the interview by chauffeur driven Smart Car limousine.
Claussen revealed that she has been recently diagnosed with a sexually transmitted disease and although the disease is relatively harmless, it is known to be highly contagious. When asked why the disease would prevent her from attending the gala annual film fest, Ms. Claussen replied, "Well duuuh, I can't very well audition for any film roles in my condition."
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Cold Water Swims Cause Shrinkage!
Doctors Urge Treatment!
Looks painful!
NFY Health Desk
The annual Polar Bear swims that have taken place on New Year's Day across Europe and North America for decades have recently been linked to what may be a severe health problem. These swims involve scantily clad people running into and splashing about in freezing water to celebrate the arrival of the New Year.
Only now, as a result of extensive and careful research by Dr. Pickles Claussen, has it been shown, in a study soon to be released, that men's health can be severely impacted by the freezing water. For fear of ridicule, men have been hesitant to report the condition or seek treatment, said Dr. Claussen and as a result the medical community has not been made aware that this was so prevalent.
Dr. Claussen provided startling photos of the problem, one of which we publish here.
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New Book From Local Feminist
Thomas Donald
Field Reporter
Waukegan -
The latest offering from Pickles Claussen is titled "That was Fine Dear, But...".
In it, she once again faces up to those hard-slamming emancipated women's issues emanating from the bedroom. Ever the realist, as she calls herself, Claussen deftly juggles the balls of secrecy surrounding women's true feelings under the sheets.
Over two thousand pages long, the book covers a host of topics, from male inability to male infertility to male insensitivity and so on.
A number of chapters have received particular praise from reviewers, including Chapter 7, headed, "I Think The Condom's Too Big", and Chapter 69, "Not Until You've Showered".
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Waukegan Actress Wows Broadway
Local star Pickles Claussen turned in a wonderful performance as Mrs. Nightingale, on the opening night of the new Broadway play, "The Extraordinary Mrs. Nightingale".
Bearing in mind that the author had intended the play to be a tragedy, it was incredible how Pickles managed to single-handedly turn it into one of the most hilarious farces seen in years.
The whole thing was apparently unintentional, as Ms. Claussen tripped over a prop, caught her foot in the hem of her gown, and flew across the stage to emerge with her head in a goldfish bowl.
The string of profanities she then uttered had the audience in stitches and a standing ovation followed.
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