Today's Weather:
Tornado warning for Glen Ellyn area. Heavy rain and flooding expected later.
Sunrise: Around dawn.
Sunset: Just before dusk
| 
GLEN ELLYN | WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 08, 2010 | The Nation's Oldest Daily | Since last week
http://www.IGotNewsForYou.com |
Today's Stock Market Top Picks:
None of yours.
Today's Losing Lottery Numbers:
1, 12, 8, 14, 28, 32, 48
|
|
IN FOCUS
Rats Getting Stronger
A valid, scientific explanation for the explosion of the rat population in urban centers globally has finally been put forward by local part-time scientist Mr. Blecher. Blecher has shown that rats have become healthier, stronger and more reproductive as a result of all the pharmaceutical research taking place - rats being the unwilling beneficiaries of new preventative medicines, antibiotics and miscellaneous cures for all types of diseases. Blecher's findings will be published in next months edition of the Baghdad Journal of Medicine.
They're everywhere!
Man Chucks All To Be Batboy
A Glen Ellyn man is raising eyebrows by quitting his job to become a professional batboy for Major League Baseball. "I know batboys are usually younger," said Mr. Blecher, tugging at the sleeves of his little uniform. "But it's always been a dream of mine. Well, the dream was really to play baseball, but unfortunately I suck."
Blecher has seen some resistance from fans, who've poured beer on him and yelled "Get a real job, grandpa!" "It's only in fun," said Blecher, noting that being a batboy is not just getting the players bats. "Sometimes I get them water."
|
U.S.A. Flexes Its Muscles
Pax Americana?
What a Guy!
United Nations: Yet another capitulation was obtained yesterday by America's new "Get Tough" policy. In a surprising move, North Korea agreed to unilaterally terminate its long-range missile program, and allow U.N. observers to monitor the destruction of all existing stocks.
This follows Tuesday's announcement by Iran that it would begin dismantling its nuclear facilities forthwith and suspend further development indefinitely. At the time, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad complained bitterly that there was no longer a level playing field, and that the Iranian people would have to learn to adapt to the new world order.
North Korea's Kim Jong II had tears in his eyes as he addressed his people in Kim II Sung Square. "Imperialist American dogs have new weapon. Proletariat comrades weep million tears."
"In what is seen by political observers as a masterstroke, the decision to outsource the President's job to India has struck fear into the hearts of America's enemies, who realise that they will now face a cohesive, strategically crafted foreign policy for the first time in decades," said political analyst Mr. Blecher. "The added threat to outsource the jobs of Dick Cheney and Robert Gates has America's foes reeling."
|
National Auto Show
Mr. Blecher
Field Reporter
Glen Ellyn -
The auto industry is taking great pains to deflect criticisms that it is in financial difficulty.
CEO of Ford and spokesperson for this year's show, Mr. Blecher, gave the keynote address in Glen Ellyn yesterday. "Yes, we have replaced the sexy, half-naked models draped over our concept cars with volunteers from the Ladies' Horticultural Society," said Blecher, "and yes, we play 60's folk songs on our guitars instead of hiring professional entertainers, and yes, we have found local panhandlers to be as persuasive as high-salaried salesmen, but that doesn't mean that we, as an industry, are broke."
After the speech, Blecher quickly left the building to start the evening shift at McDonald's.
|
Cheery Man U.N. Choice
The U.N. Secretary-General has hired Mr. Blecher of Glen Ellyn as a goodwill ambassador, noting, "That man could cheer up the people falling out of the Hindenburg."
The U.N. hopes to use Blecher's sunny disposition as a way to raise the spirits of earthquake victims, injured soldiers and starving poor people. Reached in Africa, Blecher said, "This is really great, just awesome!" as he told knock-knock jokes to lepers.
The plan is to eventually parachute Blecher into the mountains of Afghanistan to cheer up Osama Bin Laden. "An hour with Mr.," said acquaintance Mr. Blecher, "and he'll be as harmless as a Hari Krishna."
|
|
