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Today's Weather:
Cloudy with sunny, rainy, snowy and foggy conditions. A thunderstorm and hail warning is in effect. Tonight, darkness expected.

PALAKOLLU | WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 08, 2010 | The Nation's Oldest Daily | Since last week
http://www.IGotNewsForYou.com

Today's Stock Market Top Picks:
None of yours.

Today's Losing Lottery Numbers:
1, 12, 8, 14, 28, 32, 48

Wedding Congrats, Kishore

Wedding vows require correct tense. On honeymoon, remember when she said "I DO" it really meant "I DID" not "I WILL."

Passport Chaos

Air India flight Palakollu to Bombay delayed 45 hours due to bomb threat. Seven passengers reincarnated while waiting.

McCartneys Split! "I'll get by with a little help from my friends again," says Paul.

IN FOCUS

Nut Screws Washers & Bolts

Kishore K, currently serving a life sentence in Palakollu Prison for the Criminally Insane, made a daring escape early yesterday morning.
Eluding warders and prison guards, he first broke into a chinese laundry, where he sexually assaulted two female employees. Changing clothes there, he slipped out of a back door unrecognized.
He is still on the loose and considered dangerous, police say.

Just plain weird...

A Mary Jane Milestone

A landmark court case started today in the Palakollu Courthouse.
Kishore K is charged with possession of 5 grams of high-grade bay leaves with intent to traffic. The alleged illegal substance is allegedly worth an alleged million dollars on the alleged street.
Prosecutor Narsimha murthy Pithani is planning to make an example of K. Defense witness, Roja Rani has testified that the bay leaves were to be used only for pasta sauce and for personal medicinal purposes.

Kishore K Creates Show

Exciting Chance For Aspiring Oldies

Dancing, sleeping...who cares...

From the NFY Entertainment Desk
TV networks can't seem to get enough of reality game shows. A new one is being aired next week on a Palakollu local station. It is loosely based on Dancing with the Stars but, because of the local smaller budget, the title of this show will be "Sleeping with the Old Guys".
Creator of the show, Kishore K, described the premise in a press release yesterday. "The game will involve several young women going to bed with various older men as the camera watches unblinkingly. The audience will vote, based on technical elements and artistic expression and each week one couple will be eliminated until there is one winner left. This is a wonderful opportunity for maturing males to revive their flagging careers and get back into the swing of things. We are currently casting for young women as we don't yet have any. We do, however, have about six thousand old guys."

Fear Factor Finalist Freaks

Narsimha murthy Pithani
Field Reporter

Palakollu - Palakollu resident Kishore K was on the brink of winning the grand prize of $50,000 as he entered the final round of Fear Factor, the smash-hit TV show which preys upon the physical and psychological phobias of its contestants.
In previous episodes, Kishore had successfully eaten poisonous toads, been covered with hundreds of tarantulas, and been towed as a live bait for great white sharks.
Yesterday's challenge proved too much, however, for our local hero. When asked to go on a date with the now-single Heather Mills McCartney, K visibly blanched, trembled at the knees and dry retched, before declining. "Every man has his breaking point," he told reporters.

Cheery Man U.N. Choice

The U.N. Secretary-General has hired Kishore K of Palakollu as a goodwill ambassador, noting, "That man could cheer up the people falling out of the Hindenburg."
The U.N. hopes to use K's sunny disposition as a way to raise the spirits of earthquake victims, injured soldiers and starving poor people. Reached in Africa, K said, "This is really great, just awesome!" as he told knock-knock jokes to lepers.
The plan is to eventually parachute K into the mountains of Afghanistan to cheer up Osama Bin Laden. "An hour with Kishore," said best friend Narsimha murthy Pithani, "and he'll be as harmless as a Hari Krishna."

Narsimha murthy Pithani wishes you a happy wedding!

In The Paper

* Ex-hyderabad SBI clerical officer turned super model tells all. See K Talks, Page B4

* New Police Chief Narsimha murthy Pithani states that huge increase in homicides can be accounted for in one word: "organized crime." Page C2

NFY Entertainment Report:

Celebrity Kishore K claims watching tv better than sex. K's previous sex partners all agree. "Better than sex with Kishore, anyway," they say.

Salesperson of the Year:
Sekhar K accepts prestigious award. Tells reporters, "I'm always honest - it's part of my parole conditions."

Sekhar received this beauty!