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Today's Weather:
Deep depression moving into Hudson area. Light winds, with gusts to Force 8.
Today's high: Cocaine. Tonight's low: Very

HUDSON | WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 08, 2010 | The Nation's Oldest Daily | Since last week
http://www.IGotNewsForYou.com

Today's Stock Market Top Picks:
None of yours.

Today's Losing Lottery Numbers:
1, 12, 8, 14, 28, 32, 48

Love-life Enhancer!

Inventor Michael Guntner develops Bedroom Strobe Light System; makes wife appear to be moving during sex.

God demystified

"Asian women with big breasts! Proof that God exists!" claims Rabbi Michael Guntner.

Good health is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.

IN FOCUS

Tennis Romance Fizzles

The highly-publicized affair between local tennis star Michael Guntner and the world number three ranked Russian sex symbol Olga Tcheroksov seems to have ended as abruptly as it began.
"Michael has big heart, big smile," Olga told reporters after a fund-raising tennis exhibition in Hudson yesterday, "but in bed he no very big, you see. Is big pity."
Photo below shows Miss Tcheroksov emphasizing her point while discussing Mr.Guntner's shortcomings.

That's all??

Hardware Store Mayhem

A local man, Michael Guntner, was arrested at the Hudson Home Build It Center for using one of the display toilets in the plumbing aisle.
Apparently Mr. Guntner was suffering from a touch of diarrhea and in his haste to get to a toilet, made the error.
Shoppers were understandably "grossed out" although one lucky customer got a toilet plunger on sale. Several other shoppers purchased room deodorizers, safety goggles and breathing masks.

Cell Phone Rudeness!

Man suing Florida!

yak, yak, yak, yak, yak

Michael Guntner, a Hudson man, has launched a multi-million dollar law suit against the city of Miami Beach and the state of Florida. According to Mr. Guntner's lawyer, Mike Yoskovitz, it is an open and shut case for the claimant.
In the deposition, Mr. Guntner claimed that statistics have shown how dangerous it is to talk on a cell phone while driving. And many people are subjected to irritating cell phone conversations by others all the time, while shopping, dining, etcetera.
Guntner is suing because while relaxing on the beach, he was totally disturbed by an inconsiderate cell phone conversation by the woman pictured here on the right. Because Mr. Guntner had to just sit there and listen to this woman for two full hours while she talked on her cell phone and pranced back and forth in front of him, he was unable to concentrate on his book. And as such the lawsuit cites rudeness and inconsideration as the basis for the legal action.

Thousands Flock to Hudson!

Mike Yoskovitz
Field Reporter

Hudson - Thousands of Christian pilgrims are making the trek to Hudson located in Canada. It seems that Michael Guntner is causing a controversy in religious circles. After partying all night in celebration of his birthday, Guntner, several nights ago, stained the bed sheets. The stain, according to many, very closely resembles the Madonna and Child. According to sources, Christians gazing upon the stain are overcome with religious passion and fervor. Some arrived immediately upon hearing of the miracle and claim that only after a few days, colds, headaches and sprained ankles have already been cured. Guntner, in an interview with NFY, said, "It's sad that we don't pay closer attention to our spiritual side.

Gold Stocks Plunge

Michael Guntner of Hudson, Canada stunned the business world yesterday when he announced that the price of gold is overvalued and predicted it would drop by 50% by week's end.
In a panic reaction, the New York Stock Exchange immediatly lost 1500 points, ruining many investors and causing at least two suicides. By the close of the trading day the market had partially rebounded on the news that no one had ever heard of Michael Guntner.

Mike Yoskovitz wishes you a nice day!

In The Paper

* Ex-Essential Turbines Inc president turned porn star tells all. See Guntner Talks, Page B4

* New Police Chief Mike Yoskovitz states that huge increase in homicides can be accounted for in one word: "organized crime." Page C2

NFY Entertainment Report:

Celebrity Michael Guntner claims making out better than sex. Guntner's previous sex partners all agree. "Better than sex with Michael, anyway," they say.

Salesperson of the Year:
Barry Brule accepts prestigious award. Tells reporters, "I'm always honest - it's part of my parole conditions."

Barry received this beauty!