Today's Weather:
Tornado warning for Memphis area. Heavy rain and flooding expected later.
Sunrise: Around dawn.
Sunset: Just before dusk
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MEMPHIS | WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 08, 2010 | The Nation's Oldest Daily | Since last week
http://www.IGotNewsForYou.com |
Today's Stock Market Top Picks:
None of yours.
Today's Losing Lottery Numbers:
1, 12, 8, 14, 28, 32, 48
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IN FOCUS
Pope Invites Consultant!
Memphis
Responding to an official invitation from the Pope, a local man, Bi Michael Patterson, spoke to the Ecumenical Council of Archbishops and Other Fervent Religious People at a rally held yesterday in Rome. The topic was "Abstinence and How I Have Managed All These Years". An expert on celibacy, Mr. Patterson was invited to give encouragement and guidance to those sworn to celibacy. "I haven't had sex for so long," said Mr. Patterson in his opening remarks, "I think my foreskin is starting to grow back."
Vatican is Thrilled!
Environmental Disaster Unavoidable
Megan Cordner, Assistant Secretary for the U.N.'s World Food Program, released a worrisome statement yesterday, claiming that over-fishing in the world's oceans by Japanese trawlers has resulted in a severe shortage of gefilte fish, upsetting the food chain for Jews everywhere.
Concern is mounting that unless the gefilte fish is declared an endangered species by the U.N., it will soon go the way of the lox, a once-plentiful, but now almost extinct fish, only to be found in private aquariums.
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Brokeback Everywhere...
Cashing in...
Copying Success...
From the NFY Entertainment Desk
In an attempt to cash in on the enormous success of the blockbuster movie Brokeback Mountain, film makers are climbing all over themselves in an effort to exploit the gay theme that has attracted throngs of the movie-going public.
Hollywood insider Bi Michael Patterson, who would rather be insider than inside him, outlined a list of the scripts and story lines currently up for consideration. Some of the more interesting projects include "Brokeback Castaway", about a sensitive young man alone on a deserted island, "They Went Brokeback That Away", a slapstick spy spoof about two gay secret agents who are forced to work together even though they don't find each other in the least bit attractive, "Brokeback Breakaway" which follows an entirely gay U.S. men's hockey team as they compete for an Olympic gold medal, and finally, "Brokeback Galway", following the lives of two Irish gays, Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.
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Memphis Resident's Home Movies Available
David Miller
Field Reporter
Memphis -
Bi Michael Patterson announced this week that his home videos will be available for download on the Internet for $19.95 each.
"This is the first time these videos have been made available for download," said Patterson, noting that previously they could only be seen on the TV in his living room, and even then only by plugging his camcorder into the jack on the back of the TV, which was a big pain.
The videos - which show Patterson on the beach, at a backyard barbecue and in various theme parks - are available through his own Web site, primarily because "iTunes wouldn't return my calls," he said. So far the site has received 25 hits, all from family members.
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Short Guy Is Leprechaun?
A local man was mistaken for a leprechaun this week after wearing a green shirt and tights.
Bi Michael Patterson was wearing a Kelly green ski sweater when people began accosting him for his "pot o' gold" and inquiring as to the location of his "lucky charms."
"It was just a sweater!" proclaimed Patterson, noting that he was not sporting pointy ears or curly green shoes. "And besides, leprechauns are short little creatures," he added, apparently without irony.
Patterson also denied that the incident was related to what happened last spring, when a gardener mistook him for a garden troll and strapped him to a tomato stake.
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* Megan Cordner of the Clairvoyants Society has cancelled
tonight's meeting due to unforeseen events.
Page B8
* Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
David Miller, Crime Reporter |
FOR SALE, by aspiring drag queen who has recently given up skydiving and smoking dope...
Parachute, only used once, never opened, small stain.
Contact Bi Michael Patterson at Memphis Hospital, Rehabilitation Ward.
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Bi Michael Patterson, Estimator at Stanley Access Advises New Business Grads!
"There are two rules for success. One: Don't tell all you know." |
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