IN FOCUS
National Proctologists Association Warning
NPA spokesman KEVIN GARDERE is warning men everywhere of the dangers of using communal showers in sports facilities.
"There's a definite link between such showers and the incidence of male hemorrhoids and anal abrasions. Users must remain vigilant", he advised, pointing to a photograph of an innocently placed bar of soap in a men's shower-room.
"This could be a booby-trap," he warned. "Never bend over to pick up the soap. Stay erect. Moreover, look around and make sure nobody else is. Do not back up. This could be fatal. Instead, step forward slowly, over the soap, then run like hell."
Don't slip up...
An E Makes a Difference!
Geneva:
While researching some of the later work of famed psychiatrist, Sigmund Freud, forensic scientists have made an incredible discovery.
A letter sent by Dr. Freud to his publisher, Leck, Shmekle and Shpay, clearly admonishes the printer for spelling mistakes made in all of his books.
Head Researcher, HUNG WONG, explained, "The publisher inserted the letter 'E' where it should have been an 'I'. Therefore it seems that everything is really about 6."
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Charity Event A Bust
Local hero chokes
Anna in action!
NEW ORLEANS
KEVIN GARDERE, a Davis Cup player for the United States, was a big disappointment yesterday, when he faced Russia's Anna Kournikova in NEW ORLEANS's annual charity fund-raiser.
He was soundly trounced 6-0, 6-0, which was a blow to the organisers, who had been promised $5 000 U.S. by Kournikova for every game GARDERE won. Nevertheless, she did donate $10 000 as a goodwill gesture, as well as donating a pair of her panties, expected to fetch about $75 000 at auction."I know KEVIN can play much better than that," she said, "He seemed preoccupied with something today."
For his part, GARDERE apologised to the crowd: "I just couldn't concentrate on the ball today," he said, "plus, I developed this awful swelling in my groin area, which seemed to get worse as the match progressed. I'll take a cold shower and see if that helps."
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Pull This!
Mike Hoffman
Field Reporter
NEW ORLEANS -
In response to the growing number of "lower body injuries" in professional sports, team doctors are currently conducting a study which they hope will reduce the number of games missed because of these injuries.
Dr. KEVIN GARDERE has discovered a correlation between the injuries and the the maritial status of male athletes. "Surprisingly, it seems most of the athletes who complain of this condition are married," explained Dr. GARDERE. "This is leading us to believe that the most common complaint, "the nagging groin pull" is more of a spousal description than a sports-related injury.
"Anyway", continued Dr. GARDERE, "I pull my groin every morning but I still have to go to work."
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Cheery Man U.N. Choice
The U.N. Secretary-General has hired KEVIN GARDERE of NEW ORLEANS as a goodwill ambassador, noting, "That man could cheer up the people falling out of the Hindenburg."
The U.N. hopes to use GARDERE's sunny disposition as a way to raise the spirits of earthquake victims, injured soldiers and starving poor people. Reached in Africa, GARDERE said, "This is really great, just awesome!" as he told knock-knock jokes to lepers.
The plan is to eventually parachute GARDERE into the mountains of Afghanistan to cheer up Osama Bin Laden. "An hour with KEVIN," said friend Mike Hoffman, "and he'll be as harmless as a Hari Krishna."
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