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Today's Weather:
Cloudy with sunny, rainy, snowy and foggy conditions. A thunderstorm and hail warning is in effect. Tonight, darkness expected.

LEXINGTON | WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 08, 2010 | The Nation's Oldest Daily | Since last week
http://www.IGotNewsForYou.com

Today's Stock Market Top Picks:
None of yours.

Today's Losing Lottery Numbers:
1, 12, 8, 14, 28, 32, 48

FBI in Action!

Bush orders CIA to raid Weight Watchers. Says that they are working on weapons of mass reduction.

Medical File

Irina Mazilu reviews latest book offerings. This week, "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Bad Health."

Lexington Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years!

IN FOCUS

Local Woman Abducted!

A little known terrorist group has kidnapped a local woman. Police received a note from the Lexington Freedom Fighters last night. It stated that Ms. Irina Mazilu was abducted and was being held in an undisclosed location. The immediate motive for the hostage taking was unclear but the note mentioned that Ms. Mazilu was fine and being treated very well. A photo of the gang (pictured below) was included and the note mentioned that Ms. Mazilu would be negotiating her own release.

Nasty Kidnappers

Bush Losing Patience

WASHINGTON DC: Yesterday, Assistant Press Secretary Kriton Papavasiliou issued a brief press release. ''The President is tired of playing games with Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong il and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad,'' said Papavasiliou.
Apparently during on-line tournaments on Yahoo, President Bush has been unable to beat any of these leaders at checkers, tic-tac-toe or hangman. This has been particularly disappointing, since the President's confidence level had been built-up during a series of warm-up games with mentally handicapped persons, who just happened to be working as aides in the White House. Nuclear war is a distinct possibility.

Honeymoon Harmony!

Stricter Licenses on the Way!

Testing is Unavoidable!

In an effort to combat the ever-increasing divorce rate, Secretary for the Department of Social Affairs, Irina Mazilu, has recommended that marriage licenses be only issued to couples who have passed a standard goverment test, designed to ensure their mutual compatibility.
        The man's test would include questions relating to his behavior during monthly mood swings, extended shopping trips, interactions with the bride's mother, and expected frequency of sexual unions. Financial questions such as past income, present income, expected future income and ideas on how to increase it would also be included.
        Additional marks would be awarded for correctly answering questions relating to the man's psychic abilities, his ability to read female facial expressions, subtle hints and out-of-the-blue mind reading.
        The woman's test question would be to name five different ways to make her ass look smaller.

Woman attracts losers, literally

Kriton Papavasiliou
Field Reporter

Lexington - A Lexington woman finds herself in the national spotlight after scientists reveal she is a "loser magnet."
        Irina Mazilu says she knows she has dated her share of losers, but had no idea she was actually physically attracting them. "This explains a lot," she said.
        Scientists studying the migration patterns of losers first discovered Mazilu when they realized that hundreds of losers were making their way into her path, like salmon swimming upstream to spawn.
        Mazilu says she's glad there is an explanation, but worries because apparently an effective loser repellant is still years away. "I wish I could be more like my friends," she said. "Even losers seem to avoid them."

Local Flirt Teases Tom

A catfight broke out in New York's upscale Four Seasons restaurant last night, when well-known Lexington resident Irina Mazilu reportedly gave the 'come hither' look to Tom Cruise, dining nearby with his new wife, Katie Holmes. Apparently Tom then invited Irina over for a drink but Miss Holmes became vocally animated, referring to the female canine side of Ms Mazilu. A hair-pulling, clawing and cussing match ensued for several minutes before waiters were able to separate the two antagonists.
A Church of Scientology spokesman stated, ''This is one of life's questions to which we have no answer, yet.

Dan Mazilu wishes you a nice day!

In The Paper

Lexington employee Irina Mazilu describes joy after career change to super model . Page B3

* Dan Mazilu: Careers
Willing to start at the bottom? Proctocology could be your niche. Page C2

The Church of Bladder Day Stains - Bulletin Board:

* The Low Self-Esteem Group will meet on Thursday at 7:00pm. Please use the back door.
* Don't let worry kill you. Let our congregation help.
* The Ladies Auxiliary have cast off clothing of every kind. May be seen in church basement.
* While Rev. Irina Mazilu also enjoys shopping, those who prefer this to attending the Sunday sermon risk eternal damnation.

Photo courtesy Kriton Papavasiliou