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Today's Weather:
Cloudy with sunny, rainy, snowy and foggy conditions. A thunderstorm and hail warning is in effect. Tonight, darkness expected.

TALLINN | WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 08, 2010 | The Nation's Oldest Daily | Since last week
http://www.IGotNewsForYou.com

Today's Sports Scores:
12, 3, 4, 8, 67 and a 3 to 3 tie.

Today's Winning Lottery Numbers:
None of yours!

U.N. Inspectors Suspicious

U.N. claims Birgit Strickholm stockpiling abdominal gas, biological insurance agents and other web-puns of crass construction.

TV Producers in Disbelief

Birgit Strickholm worst American Idol in entire history of show.
See full story B3

Michael Jackson: Best argument against intelligent design.

IN FOCUS

Rats Getting Stronger

A valid, scientific explanation for the explosion of the rat population in urban centers globally has finally been put forward by local part-time scientist Birgit Strickholm. Strickholm has shown that rats have become healthier, stronger and more reproductive as a result of all the pharmaceutical research taking place - rats being the unwilling beneficiaries of new preventative medicines, antibiotics and miscellaneous cures for all types of diseases. Strickholm's findings will be published in next months edition of the Baghdad Journal of Medicine.

They're everywhere!

Pain in the Proverbial!

The Institute for Treating and Controlling Hemorrhoids (ITCH) held its Annual General Meeting yesterday.
Director Alan Stapleton deplored the lack of research funds for this condition. "We're at the bottom of every list for government help," Stapleton complained. "Another sore point is being the butt of piles of poor puns. We can't sit on this issue. We must act swiftly to sensitize the public."
The meeting concluded with a standing ovation and rousing rendition of the organization's theme song, "Ring of Fire."

Fly Light, Fly Cheap!

Bare Essentials Reduce Fares !

Comfy, comfy...

From the NFY Business Desk
With aviation fuel prices soaring, airlines are becoming increasingly innovative at keeping costs to a minimum.
        "Weight transfers into fuel consumption," explained Vicky De Bruyne, a CEO with Estonia Airways, announcing plans to reduce fares for those who travel ultra-light.
        The program allows travellers to bring only passports and credit cards on board. "Absolutely no luggage, no food or drink, no clothes, and a mandatory enema to be administered to all passengers and crew two hours before boarding," said stewardess Birgit Strickholm, noting that "Thirty minutes of vigorous calisthenics and a steam bath complete the weight reduction effort."
        Preliminary trials have proved particularly popular with female passengers, who seem to enjoy the purging, the enforced dieting and exercise, and, of course, the opportunity for guilt-free splurging on new wardrobes after arrival at their destination.

National Auto Show

Vicky De Bruyne
Field Reporter

Tallinn - The auto industry is taking great pains to deflect criticisms that it is in financial difficulty.
CEO of Ford and spokesperson for this year's show, Birgit Strickholm, gave the keynote address in Tallinn yesterday. "Yes, we have replaced the sexy, half-naked models draped over our concept cars with volunteers from the Ladies' Horticultural Society," said Strickholm, "and yes, we play 60's folk songs on our guitars instead of hiring professional entertainers, and yes, we have found local panhandlers to be as persuasive as high-salaried salesmen, but that doesn't mean that we, as an industry, are broke."
After the speech, Strickholm quickly left the building to start the evening shift at McDonald's.

Hypochondriac Cure

In this month's respected medical journal 'The Lancet', doctors claim a breakthrough in treating "Birgit Strickholm Syndrome".
The medical world has been baffled for years by the case of Ms. Strickholm from Tallinn in Estonia, who suffered symptoms of multiple ailments and diseases, often simultaneously or in rapid succession. Neither self-medication nor professional treatment brought any relief. Recent studies have identified a small gland in the front lobe of the brain which acts as an attention seeker, triggering the symptoms. Removing the gland has proven 100% successful.
In unrelated news, pharmaceutical stocks fall sharply.

Vicky De Bruyne wishes you a nice day!

In The Paper

* Part-time politician, Vicky De Bruyne says: War Dims Hopes For Peace! Page B8

* Education study reveals: Five out of three students have trouble with fractions! Alan Stapleton, NFY Reporter

GRAND GET-A-WAY CONTEST!

Answer the skill testing question on Page C5; win three glorious nights at the lovely home of super woman and aspiring rock star, Birgit Strickholm.
* Fly 3rd class non-stop with Afghan Airways to scenic Tallinn
* Watch stimulating videos of speeches by Estonian national bank ex-presidents
* Enjoy endless hours of fun activities such as playing basketball with Birgit