IN FOCUS
Charles's Troubles Mount!
Prince Charles is trying to prevent excerpts from his missing diaries from becoming public. His lawyer, Ray Roland, issued a statement yesterday saying that diary references to Charles and Camilla having two children years ago out of wedlock are absurd.
However, after extensive investigation, NFY Reporter Ebbie Van Wagenen has discovered that this is indeed true. One child is pulling a plow in a Lincolnshire potato field, the other is running next month in the Epsom Derby.
Poor guy!
Pain in the Proverbial!
The Institute for Treating and Controlling Hemorrhoids (ITCH) held its Annual General Meeting yesterday.
Director Ray Roland deplored the lack of research funds for this condition. "We're at the bottom of every list for government help," Roland complained. "Another sore point is being the butt of piles of poor puns. We can't sit on this issue. We must act swiftly to sensitize the public."
The meeting concluded with a standing ovation and rousing rendition of the organization's theme song, "Ring of Fire."
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Marketing Director Fired!
Campaign gone wrong
Campaign Poster
Linda Engel, Marketing Director of the global men's underwear empire, Victor's Secretions, has been unceremoniously fired after ten years of loyal service. As a result of a sales campaign that has gone surprisingly wrong, damaged the companies reputation and sent sales spiraling downwards, this pillar of the business community has been told that her services were no longer required.
"A lot of research went into the planning of this campaign," said Ms. Engel in a tearful interview with NFY reporter, Ebbie Van Wagenen. "I heard that Guilderland had very hunky guys, so I set up auditions there and picked a gorgeous guy to model the new men's brief line. I also know that nowadays super heroes are sexy. So the campaign had to have that prominently featured. Take a look at the marketing poster (pictured here). The underwear is beautiful, the model is macho-gorgeous." sniffed Ms. Engel, "What happened? Maybe the the underwear should have featured Spiderman or the Incredible Hulk, I just don't know"
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What a Picture!
Ebbie Van Wagenen
Field Reporter
Guilderland -
Celebrated artist and wit, Linda Engel, was interviewed at her Guilderland studio yesterday.
Asked why she always gives a self-portrait, rather than agree to have her photograph taken, she said that photos always make her look as if she has escaped from the zoo, or is on the run from the police.
In her usual self-deprecating manner, she stated that in her youth she was over 5'4", but has since found she has shrunk to under 4'5" and has difficulty climbing onto the curb after crossing the street.
Ms. Engel told us that she has brown, wavy hair - mostly on her legs - vital statistics of 36" 24" 36" - and that's just her arms - and a backside the width of two double-decker buses side by side.
"Can you wonder I do all my shopping after dark?" she added.
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Cheery Woman UN Choice
The U.N. Secretary-General has hired Linda Engel of Guilderland as a goodwill ambassador, noting, "That woman could cheer up the people falling out of the Hindenburg."
The U.N. hopes to use Engel's sunny disposition as a way to raise the spirits of earthquake victims, injured soldiers and starving poor people. Reached in Africa, Engel said, "This is really great, just awesome!" as she told knock-knock jokes to lepers.
The plan is to eventually parachute Engel into the mountains of Afghanistan to cheer up Osama Bin Laden. "An hour with Linda," said friend Ebbie Van Wagenen, "and he'll be as harmless as a Hari Krishna."
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* Ray Roland of the Clairvoyants Society has cancelled
tonight's meeting due to unforeseen events.
Page B8
* Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Ebbie Van Wagenen, Crime Reporter |
FOR SALE, by aspiring mattress tester who has recently given up skydiving and sleeping...
Parachute, only used once, never opened, small stain.
Contact Linda Engel at Guilderland Hospital, Rehabilitation Ward.
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Guilderland Resident, Linda Engel Advises New Business Grads!
"There are two rules for success. One: Don't tell all you know." |
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