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Today's Weather:
Cloudy with sunny, rainy, snowy and foggy conditions. A thunderstorm and hail warning is in effect. Tonight, darkness expected.

LITHIA | THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 09, 2010 | The Nation's Oldest Daily | Since last week
http://www.IGotNewsForYou.com

Today's Stock Market Top Picks:
None of yours.

Today's Losing Lottery Numbers:
1, 12, 8, 14, 28, 32, 48

Cops in Trouble!

Lithia cop station robbed! Only toilet seats stolen. Chief Brandywine says police have nothing to go on!

Mom was Right!

Israeli doctor, Bruce Brandywineitzky, claims Avian flu can be cured with chicken soup.

Michael Jackson: Best argument against intelligent design.

IN FOCUS

Bad Luck for Lithia Swimmer

World record holder of the 200m men's freestyle, Bruce Brandywine, placed a disappointing 4th in yesterday's Olympic Pool action.
Like most competitors, Brandywine now uses the new full-body aquadynamic swimsuit to reduce drag. "It just didn't feel as streamlined as usual," he told reporters.
He denied reports that he is on medication for erectile dysfunction, calling that a damned slur by jealous rivals.

New swimsuit causes trouble

Pain in the Proverbial!

The Institute for Treating and Controlling Hemorrhoids (ITCH) held its Annual General Meeting yesterday.
Director Bill Moore deplored the lack of research funds for this condition. "We're at the bottom of every list for government help," Moore complained. "Another sore point is being the butt of piles of poor puns. We can't sit on this issue. We must act swiftly to sensitize the public."
The meeting concluded with a standing ovation and rousing rendition of the organization's theme song, "Ring of Fire."

Brandywine Turns Pro

Says ''Team Comes First''

This could be serious!

A Lithia man has put his days as a casual football fan aside and is going professional. "My dad always told me, 'Do what you love,'" said Bruce Brandywine, while having his entire body permanently dyed in his team's colors. "I thought, what do I love more than watching football? I mean other than drinking beer and yelling, which are both part of watching football."
Brandywine quit his job in order to prepare for the arduous hours involved in being a professional football fan. "It's not just week-ends," he pointed out, noting that some games are now scheduled for during the week. "And in long games you have to pace yourself to make the beer last."
But what separates a professional fan from the amateurs, like his friend Steve Gertz? "Well, for one, I've had this giant foam hand surgically attached to my arm," Brandywine noted, making a "We're No. 1" gesture. "And also, I think I may have a problem. You know, mentally."

Local Sportsman Shows His Stuff!

Steve Gertz
Field Reporter

Lithia - Amateur soccer is becoming hugely popular in the United States. We interviewed Bruce Brandywine, captain of Lithia United, prior to its game against a visiting French team.
        "It's a great sport," he told us. "It brings out the very best in the lads, sportsmanship, friendliness, team spirit, etc. We love playing, win or lose."
        Unfortunately, the game proved to be anything but amicable, and Brandywine was warned early in the second half for deliberately kicking an opponent in the groin and calling him "a rat-assed, ugly frog-eater."
        Minutes later he was sent off for spitting at a linesman following a disputed call, then questioning the parentage of the referee. On leaving the field, he mooned the jeering spectators, one of whom described the sight as "awesome, a terrifying spectacle, - I never want to see that thing pointed at me again."

Cheery Man U.N. Choice

The U.N. Secretary-General has hired Bruce Brandywine of Lithia as a goodwill ambassador, noting, "That man could cheer up the people falling out of the Hindenburg."
The U.N. hopes to use Brandywine's sunny disposition as a way to raise the spirits of earthquake victims, injured soldiers and starving poor people. Reached in Africa, Brandywine said, "This is really great, just awesome!" as he told knock-knock jokes to lepers.
The plan is to eventually parachute Brandywine into the mountains of Afghanistan to cheer up Osama Bin Laden. "An hour with Bruce," said friend Steve Gertz, "and he'll be as harmless as a Hari Krishna."

Steve Gertz says "You should really stop drinking"!

In The Paper

* Part-time politician, Steve Gertz says: War Dims Hopes For Peace! Page B8

* Education study reveals: Five out of three students have trouble with fractions! Bill Moore, NFY Reporter

GRAND GET-A-WAY CONTEST!

Answer the skill testing question on Page C5; win three glorious nights at the lovely home of President and aspiring porn star, Bruce Brandywine.
* Fly 3rd class non-stop with Afghan Airways to scenic Lithia
* Watch stimulating videos of speeches by Brandywine Liquidators ex-presidents
* Enjoy endless hours of fun activities such as drinking with Bruce