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Today's Weather:
Cloudy with sunny, rainy, snowy and foggy conditions. A thunderstorm and hail warning is in effect. Tonight, darkness expected.

MACON | WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 08, 2010 | The Nation's Oldest Daily | Since last week
http://www.IGotNewsForYou.com

Today's Sports Scores:
12, 3, 4, 8, 67 and a 3 to 3 tie.

Today's Winning Lottery Numbers:
None of yours!

Fish-Tale!

Local belle Anna Vogler goes on weekend fishing trip with 4 guys - comes back with red snapper.

Tips for Turn-ons

Fashion and Glamour guru Anna Vogler advises women on attracting men. Best thing to put behind ears is knees, she says.

NFY Interview with Elton John! Says, "Man cannot live by Fred alone."

IN FOCUS

Monsters Invade Pools!

The swimming pools in and around Macon have been closed until further notice. Mayor Anna Vogler made the disturbing announcement at an emergency press conference last night saying that there had been several sightings of unidentified, one-eyed sea serpents threatening women bathers. A local photographer, Al White, provided hard evidence that the mayor displayed to a shocked and visibly shaken media. The intrepid mayor said she was personally unafraid and would attempt to catch one and mount it in order to determine if a real threat to the female population existed.

Scarrry!

Beaver Trade Riles Sir Paul's Ex

Mike Litoris, spokesperson for the recently-separated Heather Mills, said in a press release yesterday that Ms. Mills, though very concerned, upset and definitely fashion-conscious, has postponed plans for visiting Canada's north to protest the annual polyester hunt.
"Maybe next year," said the press release. "Right now, Heather is infuriated over a rumour she heard that lots of beaver can be seen in Montreal night-spots and finds this 'just too cruel for words.' She is working with Greenpeace to have these beautiful animals relocated to their natural habitat in the wilderness."

Cold Water Swims Cause Shrinkage!

Doctors Urge Treatment!

Looks painful!

NFY Health Desk
The annual Polar Bear swims that have taken place on New Year's Day across Europe and North America for decades have recently been linked to what may be a severe health problem. These swims involve scantily clad people running into and splashing about in freezing water to celebrate the arrival of the New Year.
Only now, as a result of extensive and careful research by Dr. Anna Vogler, has it been shown, in a study soon to be released, that men's health can be severely impacted by the freezing water. For fear of ridicule, men have been hesitant to report the condition or seek treatment, said Dr. Vogler and as a result the medical community has not been made aware that this was so prevalent.
Dr. Vogler provided startling photos of the problem, one of which we publish here.

Cleanliness next to Godliness?

Al White
Field Reporter

Macon - I interviewed Anna Vogler, winner of "Macon's Most Laid-back Lady" at her home yesterday.
        "Really, I can't imagine why so many people voted for me," she laughed, as she brushed some crumbs from the sofa before we sat down. The living room was an interesting collage of Art-Deco and chipped IKEA furniture, interspersed with stacks of old magazines and cobwebbed wall hangings. A pile of clothes for the laundry lay in one corner.
        "I mean a home should look like it's being lived in," Anna added, scraping a bit of mould from the cupcake she offered, and flicking a few dust balls from the carpet. "Some people can be just too fastidious, you know, vacuuming every week and cleaning out their fridges regularly. Waste of good food if you ask me."
        "Do call again," she cried cheerily as I left, stepping over the mouse droppings by the front door, and idly scratching an itch which had suddenly developed on my scalp.

Local Flirt Teases Tom

A catfight broke out in New York's upscale Four Seasons restaurant last night, when well-known Macon resident Anna Vogler reportedly gave the 'come hither' look to Tom Cruise, dining nearby with his new wife, Katie Holmes. Apparently Tom then invited Anna over for a drink but Miss Holmes became vocally animated, referring to the female canine side of Ms Vogler. A hair-pulling, clawing and cussing match ensued for several minutes before waiters were able to separate the two antagonists.
A Church of Scientology spokesman stated, ''This is one of life's questions to which we have no answer, yet.

Al White wishes you a happy No Pants Day!

In The Paper

* Ex-Asian Massage Parlor Chief Dick Sucker turned stripper tells all. See Vogler Talks, Page B4

* New Police Chief Al White states that huge increase in homicides can be accounted for in one word: "organized crime." Page C2

NFY Entertainment Report:

Celebrity Anna Vogler claims fishing better than sex. Vogler's previous sex partners all agree. "Better than sex with Anna, anyway," they say.

Salesperson of the Year:
Mike Litoris accepts prestigious award. Tells reporters, "I'm always honest - it's part of my parole conditions."

Mike received this beauty!