IN FOCUS
New Local Business
A Vijayawada man, Suneel Neela has started an innovative, on-the-side business that is experiencing rapid sales growth. "Panty Testers" has only been in business for a couple of weeks but demand for the service is soaring. Neela charges a very low price to examine women's panties for texture, thickness, comfort and other characteristics, right in their own home. Looking to complement the business, Neela is considering opening "Bra Testers" in the very near future.
The test takes moments
Important Information for Suneel Neela
Dear Suneel,
Here are the Global Facts at Any Given Moment:
FACT: 79,000,000 people are engaged in sex right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old fart is reading this junk.
You hang in there buddy....
From your friend,
Santosh Kumar
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Public Irate At Sex Tape
Would-be Porn Star Opposed
Not suitable for kids!
Over 2 million people have signed a class action lawsuit to halt the release of a sex tape featuring Vijayawada resident Suneel Neela. "That's something we really don't need to see," said the vaguely nauseous complainants.
"I can't believe someone would release this very private tape," said Neela, who denies reports that he leaked the tape himself to generate publicity for his new book, "Sex Tape Marketing for Dummies." Neela did confirm the rumor that his partner in the tape is a "blonde, beautiful young pop star." When he was asked why he's the only person who seems to have heard that rumor, Neela distracted the reporter with a Twinkie and ran away.
People who have seen the tape say the lighting is so bad that it's difficult to identify the sex partner of Neela, but that she seems to resemble a mannequin with a picture of a blonde, beautiful young pop star's face taped to her head.
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Fear Factor Finalist Freaks
Santosh Kumar
Field Reporter
Vijayawada -
Vijayawada resident Suneel Neela was on the brink of winning the grand prize of $50,000 as he entered the final round of Fear Factor, the smash-hit TV show which preys upon the physical and psychological phobias of its contestants.
In previous episodes, Suneel had successfully eaten poisonous toads, been covered with hundreds of tarantulas, and been towed as a live bait for great white sharks.
Yesterday's challenge proved too much, however, for our local hero. When asked to go on a date with the now-single Heather Mills McCartney, Neela visibly blanched, trembled at the knees and dry retched, before declining. "Every man has his breaking point," he told reporters.
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Cheery Man U.N. Choice
The U.N. Secretary-General has hired Suneel Neela of Vijayawada as a goodwill ambassador, noting, "That man could cheer up the people falling out of the Hindenburg."
The U.N. hopes to use Neela's sunny disposition as a way to raise the spirits of earthquake victims, injured soldiers and starving poor people. Reached in Africa, Neela said, "This is really great, just awesome!" as he told knock-knock jokes to lepers.
The plan is to eventually parachute Neela into the mountains of Afghanistan to cheer up Osama Bin Laden. "An hour with Suneel," said friend Santosh Kumar, "and he'll be as harmless as a Hari Krishna."
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