IN FOCUS
Pharma Shares Rising!
World Health Organization officials have recommended that the controversial new latex condom manufactured by Newburyport Pharma be taken off the market. Apparently users have been developing allergies causing severe swelling when wearing the prophylactic.
Hillary Adler, Production Manager at the Newburyport facility, fielded reporters' questions, saying, "What's the problem?"
Sales have doubled since the WHO announcement and many pharmacies have no supplies left because of stockpiling by anxious customers.
Condom Selling Fast!
Women's Sports Update
Cycling's prestigious Newburyport -Timbuktu race was won this year by Natalie McClung in a record time of 2 years and 12 days.
A crowd of 17 people and 3 donkeys gave a tumultuous welcome as she entered the city after an epic ride, during which she fought off snakes, crocodiles, quumfers and sex-starved Anglican missionaries. Saddle-sore and haggard, she said she was cycling back home.
"My God," gasped best friend Vicky Santospago, "Another 2 years. She wasn't much to look at when she started, and she's not getting any younger, you know."
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Memory Lapses
Liar, Liar, Liar!
Can't believe anyone
In light of allegations questioning the truthfulness of James Frey's memoir, "A Million Little Pieces", newly published, "A Million Tiny Tattles", written by Natalie McClung, is under investigation as well. The book is purported to be a memoir, but certain truths seem to have been exaggerated.
Vicky Santospago, NFY investigative reporter, has discovered that Ms. McClung was not born by immaculate conception as she claims; her mother simply cleaned the sheets after having sex. Also, the author's father was not murdered in front of her eyes, scarring her for life. In fact, her parents got divorced only last year, and her father still has visitation rights. Moreover, McClung did not graduate from a highly regarded university in the United States as a nuclear physicist. She works in the cafeteria of a nuclear power plant.
However, our reporter did verify one claim in the book: Natalie McClung does live in Newburyport.
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Spat Over Bull!
Vicky Santospago
Field Reporter
Newburyport -
TV celebrities Natalie McClung and her boy toy Nick Ross continued to publicly display their tempestuous relationship this week-end.
Walking around the annual Newburyport Agricultural Show, Ms. McClung was intrigued by a huge breeding bull, over which hung a sign indicating that it had mated more than 300 times last year. She was overheard bringing this to Nick 's attention, by teasingly saying that perhaps he could learn something from the animal.
Mr. Ross, perhaps using an unfortunate choice of words, openly doubted that it was with the same cow each time.
He is currently in Newburyport hospital recovering from multiple abrasions and contusions to his face and neck. A full recovery is expected.
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Newburyport Actress Wows Broadway
Local star Natalie McClung turned in a wonderful performance as Mrs. Nightingale, on the opening night of the new Broadway play, "The Extraordinary Mrs. Nightingale".
Bearing in mind that the author had intended the play to be a tragedy, it was incredible how Natalie managed to single-handedly turn it into one of the most hilarious farces seen in years.
The whole thing was apparently unintentional, as Ms. McClung tripped over a prop, caught her foot in the hem of her gown, and flew across the stage to emerge with her head in a goldfish bowl.
The string of profanities she then uttered had the audience in stitches and a standing ovation followed.
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