Today's Weather:
Cloudy with sunny, rainy, snowy and foggy conditions. A thunderstorm and hail warning is in effect. Tonight, darkness expected. |
VALDOSTA | WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 08, 2010 | The Nation's Oldest Daily | Since last week
http://www.IGotNewsForYou.com |
Today's Sports Scores:
Stop pestering me! I don't care! I hate sports!
Today's Lottery Numbers:
Your numbers won, but you forgot to buy a ticket, idiot!
|
|
IN FOCUS
Valdosta Woman Charged With Indecency
Disgraced executive of the respected marketing firm Wees, Scruum and Howe, took the witness box today at her trial for contributing to public immorality.
Ms Katie Darahred, who was responsible for organising the United States's annual wine tasting competition, admitted to spiking the samples with Viagra. The resultant orgy was witnessed live on national television. Ms. Darahred pleaded with the judge for leniency, saying that she was "not getting much at home these days", and to take into account that the audience cheered when her knickers were thrown from the stage.
Cute little blue pills
Bush Losing Patience
WASHINGTON DC: Yesterday, Assistant Press Secretary Sam McFarland issued a brief press release. ''The President is tired of playing games with Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong il and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad,'' said McFarland.
Apparently during on-line tournaments on Yahoo, President Bush has been unable to beat any of these leaders at checkers, tic-tac-toe or hangman. This has been particularly disappointing, since the President's confidence level had been built-up during a series of warm-up games with mentally handicapped persons, who just happened to be working as aides in the White House. Nuclear war is a distinct possibility.
|
U.S.A. Flexes Its Muscles
Pax Americana?
What a Guy!
United Nations: Yet another capitulation was obtained yesterday by America's new "Get Tough" policy. In a surprising move, North Korea agreed to unilaterally terminate its long-range missile program, and allow U.N. observers to monitor the destruction of all existing stocks.
This follows Tuesday's announcement by Iran that it would begin dismantling its nuclear facilities forthwith and suspend further development indefinitely. At the time, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad complained bitterly that there was no longer a level playing field, and that the Iranian people would have to learn to adapt to the new world order.
North Korea's Kim Jong II had tears in his eyes as he addressed his people in Kim II Sung Square. "Imperialist American dogs have new weapon. Proletariat comrades weep million tears."
"In what is seen by political observers as a masterstroke, the decision to outsource the President's job to India has struck fear into the hearts of America's enemies, who realise that they will now face a cohesive, strategically crafted foreign policy for the first time in decades," said political analyst Katie Darahred. "The added threat to outsource the jobs of Dick Cheney and Robert Gates has America's foes reeling."
|
Smarter Than Who?
Don Goldwyn
Field Reporter
Valdosta -
Katie Darahred, Secretary for the U.N.'s Civil Liberty Affirmation Program (CLAP), has issued a press release calling for the U.S. military to cease referring to its precision guided missiles as "Smart Bombs".
"The word 'Smart' is relative," said Darahred, "and can be potentially offensive towards millions of people worldwide who lack self-esteem. Moreover, because the bomb is capable of killing hundreds of people instantly, while many minority gangs are only able to kill a few people at a time, it may be misconstrued that the bomb is smarter at killing than most minorities. This is condescending and racist."
The proposed alternative name is "Bomb of Higher than Average Intelligence because of Monetary Socioeconomic Status".
|
Local Gal Wins Deco Title!
At a glitzy affair in New York's Waldorf Astoria, Valdosta girl Katie Darahred won the prestigious "Home of the Year" award offered by House and Garden Magazine. H&G editor, Don Goldwyn, said that Ms Darahred had a flair unequalled by any of the other nominees.
The award carries a $25,000 US prize, plus guaranteed consulting fees worth about $100,000 over the next five years.
Martha Stewart, last year's winner, was lavish in her praise, but later, at the reception, an errant microphone caught her saying "...that upstart bitch took all her good ideas from me..."
|
|
|
|
|
* Valdosta's Katie Darahred descibes how addiction to
doing gardening
ruined a career, and how, as a trainee
news anchorperson,
life is now good again.
Page B4
* Interview with local socialite and cross-dresser, Sam McFarland.
Genetic disposition or simply an attempt to escape creditors?
Page C2 |
Tonight's Must See TV Listings:
* The Search for Goldwyn! Ch. 3, 8:00pm - Documentary based on
the true story of this infamous extortionist and money launderer,
culminating in the relentless manhunt which followed Goldwyn's daring prison escape.
(Parental discretion)
* Shady Business! Ch. 22, 9:00pm - Follow the hilarious antics of
Valdosta businessmen
as they try to swindle the tax-man, their customers, and even their own employees.
Tonight:
rising star
Katie Darahred
is charged with sexual harrasment.
|
On Tonight! |
|
|
|
|
|
