Bush Speaks!
Sue Stoker
Field Reporter
Florence, Kansas -
In a surprising announcement yesterday, President Bush lifted the travel advisory for North Korea, Iraq and Afghanistan. In a speech to Florence, Kansas city employees, the President explained, "If you are real careful you should be able to avoid getting your head cut off."
The President also responded to Congress's reluctance to legislate proposed changes to daylight savings time. Today he appointed Sandy Harper of Florence, Kansas, to the newly-created post 'Secretary of Time Management'.
In a terse statement, a seemingly impatient President said, "Harper is not that busy these days, so if you want to know what friggin' time it is, call her!"
"Sandy never has the time for anyone," niece Lynda Long told NFY.
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'Most Cheerful' Award
The Optimist Society has voted Sandy Harper"Florence, Kansas's Most Cheerful Person." Last year, after a tornado completely destroyed her house, she was quoted as saying, "It's an ill wind that blows nobody any good." Days later, fired from her job, she laughed it off, claiming that, "every cloud has a silver lining."
"It's no good crying over spilt milk," she told police after being mugged and robbed of her wallet and what proved to be a winning lottery ticket.
Accepting her trophy at last night's Awards, Ms. Harper slipped and fell off the stage, breaking her left arm. "Look at the bright side," she told our reporter cheerily, "I'm right-handed you know, so fortunately..." (Here our reporter threw up.)
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A cute little cashmere!
