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Cloudy with sunny, rainy, snowy and foggy conditions. A thunderstorm and hail warning is in effect. Tonight, darkness expected. |
UNIONTOWN,PA | WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 08, 2010 | The Nation's Oldest Daily | Since last week
http://www.IGotNewsForYou.com |
Today's Stock Market Top Picks:
None of yours.
Today's Losing Lottery Numbers:
1, 12, 8, 14, 28, 32, 48
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IN FOCUS
Rats Getting Stronger
A valid, scientific explanation for the explosion of the rat population in urban centers globally has finally been put forward by local part-time scientist Cheryl McFarland. McFarland has shown that rats have become healthier, stronger and more reproductive as a result of all the pharmaceutical research taking place - rats being the unwilling beneficiaries of new preventative medicines, antibiotics and miscellaneous cures for all types of diseases. McFarland's findings will be published in next months edition of the Baghdad Journal of Medicine.
They're everywhere!
Democracy In Action
Bowing to pressure from various Muslim groups to end the practice of racial profiling at border crossings into the United States, Cheryl McFarland, Minister of Homeland Insecurity and Paranoia, has ordered border guards to change their current politically incorrect procedures.
"Starting immediately, short, swarthy, nervous men of Middle Eastern origin will be allowed through unchallenged and unhampered. Tall, blond, Scandinavian males must be stopped, strip-searched, questioned, background checks completed and embassies notified before getting access into our country."
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Cheryl Mad About Mad Cow Claims!
May sue...
Craaaaazy Mama!
A Uniontown,pa woman has been placed in quarantine after being suspected of having mad cow disease.
Animal control agents rendered Cheryl McFarland unconscious via a powerful tranquilizer dart and are now observing her at an undisclosed location. McFarland reportedly awoke disturbed and disoriented, proclaiming that she is "not even a cow."
Doctors say such a reaction is typical among certain breeds of livestock. Symptoms of mad cow disease include a change in attitude and behavior, gradual uncoordinated movements, trouble standing and walking, weight loss and decreased milk production. McFarland has apparently exhibited all of these traits in recent weeks, although she attributes them to "tequila." Plus, "I can't produce milk when I'm not pregnanant and have no babies!" she said, flashing her delectable pert breasts to accentuate her point.
Doctors plan to observe McFarland for another week, then cut off her head and send it to a lab for testing. If results come back negative, she'll be free to go on her way, they say.
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New Bullet Labelling Law!
Don Goldwyn
Field Reporter
Uniontown,pa -
In a bizarre turn of events due to recent lawsuits, ammunition manufacturers are now required to place a warning label on all bullets.While the present label warns that the lead content could be dangerous, ammunition has always lacked a specific type of warning label.
Local anti-gun lobbyist Cheryl McFarland told fellow activists at a crowded Uniontown,pa City Hall last night, "This is an important first step in further securing our nation." The new warning labels on boxes of ammunition will state:
"CAUTION - CONTENTS MAY PENETRATE BODY CAVITY AND CAUSE DEATH! - USE WITH EXTREME CAUTION - NEVER SHOOT AT PEOPLE, ANIMALS OR INANIMATE OBJECTS - NOT TO BE USED AS A SUPPOSITORY."
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Hypochondriac Cure
In this month's respected medical journal 'The Lancet', doctors claim a breakthrough in treating "Cheryl McFarland Syndrome".
The medical world has been baffled for years by the case of Ms. McFarland from Uniontown,pa in the United States, who suffered symptoms of multiple ailments and diseases, often simultaneously or in rapid succession. Neither self-medication nor professional treatment brought any relief. Recent studies have identified a small gland in the front lobe of the brain which acts as an attention seeker, triggering the symptoms. Removing the gland has proven 100% successful.
In unrelated news, pharmaceutical stocks fall sharply.
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* Olive Rowe of the Clairvoyants Society has cancelled
tonight's meeting due to unforeseen events.
Page B8
* Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Don Goldwyn, Crime Reporter |
FOR SALE, by retired Uniontown,pa skydiver...
Parachute, only used once, never opened, small stain.
Contact Cheryl McFarland at Uniontown,pa Hospital, Rehabilitation Ward.
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Uniontown,pa Resident, Cheryl McFarland Advises New Business Grads!
"There are two rules for success. One: Don't tell all you know." |
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