Today's Weather:
Cloudy with sunny, rainy, snowy and foggy conditions. A thunderstorm and hail warning is in effect. Tonight, darkness expected. |
KIRKLAND | WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 08, 2010 | The Nation's Oldest Daily | Since last week
http://www.IGotNewsForYou.com |
Today's Stock Market Top Picks:
None of yours.
Today's Losing Lottery Numbers:
1, 12, 8, 14, 28, 32, 48
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IN FOCUS
Bad Luck for Kirkland Swimmer
World record holder of the 200m men's freestyle, Raymond Fung, placed a disappointing 4th in yesterday's Olympic Pool action.
Like most competitors, Fung now uses the new full-body aquadynamic swimsuit to reduce drag. "It just didn't feel as streamlined as usual," he told reporters.
He denied reports that he is on medication for erectile dysfunction, calling that a damned slur by jealous rivals.
New swimsuit causes trouble
Old School Ties
Yesterday, local celebrity Raymond Fung was the guest speaker for the annual Awards Day at his old alma mater, Kirkland Academy for Boys.
Mr. Fung stressed that the boys should make the most of their schooldays, times that they would look back on with great nostalgia in years to come.
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older," he said. "Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life."
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Public Irate At Sex Tape
Would-be Porn Star Opposed
Not suitable for kids!
Over 2 million people have signed a class action lawsuit to halt the release of a sex tape featuring Kirkland resident Raymond Fung. "That's something we really don't need to see," said the vaguely nauseous complainants.
"I can't believe someone would release this very private tape," said Fung, who denies reports that he leaked the tape himself to generate publicity for his new book, "Sex Tape Marketing for Dummies." Fung did confirm the rumor that his partner in the tape is a "blonde, beautiful young pop star." When he was asked why he's the only person who seems to have heard that rumor, Fung distracted the reporter with a Twinkie and ran away.
People who have seen the tape say the lighting is so bad that it's difficult to identify the sex partner of Fung, but that she seems to resemble a mannequin with a picture of a blonde, beautiful young pop star's face taped to her head.
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Local Singer Starry-Eyed!
Larry Kinky
Field Reporter
Kirkland -
Raymond Fung, a local celebrity wannabe, made his debut at the Kirkland Paladium last night.
He poured out his heart, singing a medley of songs which brought tears to the eyes of his audience.
His latest release, "Why can't you see I love you when it's sticking out a mile" was delivered with such pathos that even his agent wept, saying that it was one of the most pathetic songs he had ever heard.
"I guarantee that this song will take Raymond from unknown artist status and rocket him into obscurity", he added.
A Raymond Fung fan club has been started by his lover Eric Wilson.
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Gold Stocks Plunge
Raymond Fung of Kirkland, the United States stunned the business world yesterday when he announced that the price of gold is overvalued and predicted it would drop by 50% by week's end.
In a panic reaction, the New York Stock Exchange immediatly lost 1500 points, ruining many investors and causing at least two suicides. By the close of the trading day the market had partially rebounded on the news that no one had ever heard of Raymond Fung.
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