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Cloudy with sunny, rainy, snowy and foggy conditions. A thunderstorm and hail warning is in effect. Tonight, darkness expected. |
SOUTH MACKAY | WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 08, 2010 | The Nation's Oldest Daily | Since last week
http://www.IGotNewsForYou.com |
Today's Stock Market Top Picks:
None of yours.
Today's Losing Lottery Numbers:
1, 12, 8, 14, 28, 32, 48
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IN FOCUS
McCartney Split Good for Some
Reputed marijuana dealer, Graham McPhee, rejoiced at the news of Paul McCartney's separation from wife Heather Mills.
"My revenues in the last four years were down at least 50%," said McPhee, who officially claims to be a seller of antiques on eBay. "We all know how much McCartney loves...er, antiques...but his wife insisted that they spend all his money on saving seals or some such nonsense," added McPhee, smiling broadly.
It's over!
Old School Ties
Yesterday, local celebrity Graham McPhee was the guest speaker for the annual Awards Day at his old alma mater, South Mackay Academy for Boys.
Mr. McPhee stressed that the boys should make the most of their schooldays, times that they would look back on with great nostalgia in years to come.
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older," he said. "Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life."
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Graham McPhee Creates Show
Exciting Chance For Aspiring Oldies
Dancing, sleeping...who cares...
From the NFY Entertainment Desk
TV networks can't seem to get enough of reality game shows. A new one is being aired next week on a South Mackay local station. It is loosely based on Dancing with the Stars but, because of the local smaller budget, the title of this show will be "Sleeping with the Old Guys".
Creator of the show, Graham McPhee, described the premise in a press release yesterday. "The game will involve several young women going to bed with various older men as the camera watches unblinkingly. The audience will vote, based on technical elements and artistic expression and each week one couple will be eliminated until there is one winner left. This is a wonderful opportunity for maturing males to revive their flagging careers and get back into the swing of things. We are currently casting for young women as we don't yet have any. We do, however, have about six thousand old guys."
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South Mackay Resident's Home Movies Available
Corby Stuart
Field Reporter
South Mackay -
Graham McPhee announced this week that his home videos will be available for download on the Internet for $19.95 each.
"This is the first time these videos have been made available for download," said McPhee, noting that previously they could only be seen on the TV in his living room, and even then only by plugging his camcorder into the jack on the back of the TV, which was a big pain.
The videos - which show McPhee on the beach, at a backyard barbecue and in various theme parks - are available through his own Web site, primarily because "iTunes wouldn't return my calls," he said. So far the site has received 25 hits, all from family members.
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Cheery Man U.N. Choice
The U.N. Secretary-General has hired Graham McPhee of South Mackay as a goodwill ambassador, noting, "That man could cheer up the people falling out of the Hindenburg."
The U.N. hopes to use McPhee's sunny disposition as a way to raise the spirits of earthquake victims, injured soldiers and starving poor people. Reached in Africa, McPhee said, "This is really great, just awesome!" as he told knock-knock jokes to lepers.
The plan is to eventually parachute McPhee into the mountains of Afghanistan to cheer up Osama Bin Laden. "An hour with Graham," said girlfriend Corby Stuart, "and he'll be as harmless as a Hari Krishna."
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* Corby Stuart of the Clairvoyants Society has cancelled
tonight's meeting due to unforeseen events.
Page B8
* Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Robyn Laycock, Crime Reporter |
FOR SALE, by aspiring rock star who has recently given up skydiving and playing music...
Parachute, only used once, never opened, small stain.
Contact Graham McPhee at South Mackay Hospital, Rehabilitation Ward.
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Graham McPhee, Audio Engineer at Mackay Entertainment Centre Advises New Business Grads!
"There are two rules for success. One: Don't tell all you know." |
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