IN FOCUS
Terrorist Cell Exposed!
Ali Yassin, CEO of Security at the National Department of Bribes, Kickbacks and Graft, has uncovered five suspected terrorists on the government payroll. They were identified as Bin Loafin, Bin Lunchin, Bin Butt-kissin, Bin Scroonup and Bin Sleepin.
A sixth member of the cell, thought to be named Bin Workin, has not been found despite intensive investigations. Anybody thought to have Bin Workin on their project should inform management immediately, Yassin said.
They're everywhere...
Local Mountaineer Stymied
Arij Meree has failed in her quest to become the first woman from Borj Al- Barajni to climb 29,000 feet high Mount Everest. Ms. Meree reached a height of 850ft before abandonning the attempt, citing dizziness, lack of oxygen and frostbite, but dismissing rumours that the absence of public washrooms was a major factor.
The team of 32 Sherpa porters, hired by Ms. Meree to transport her wardrobe and kitchenware would be fully paid, she said. Asked if she would try again, Ms. Meree replied that she would stick to social climbing from now on.
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Arij Meree's Approval Rating Down!
Drastic Measures Called For!
She's not too happy!
A local woman is reconsidering her life strategy now that a new poll shows her approval ratings have fallen to an all-time low of 37 percent.
"I'm really not sure how this happened," said Arij Meree of Borj Al- Barajni, who added she has generally considered herself "well-liked, at least in the 60 to 65 percent range."
Friends and family of Meree apparently disagree, rating her much lower, and particularly poorly in important demographic groups such as "immediate family" and "people pretending to be close friends." Meree did fare slightly better (44 percent) with "elderly, partially senile relatives and ex-lovers," according to the poll.
Meree and her adviser, Ali Yassin, have been mulling new approaches, including "kinder," "gentler" and "less of a b**ch." "I'm doing my best with what I have to work with," said a clearly exhausted Yassin, reeking of coffee and perspiration. "But let's face it, 37 percent seems about right for this babe."
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Bush Speaks!
Larry Kinky
Field Reporter
Borj Al- Barajni -
In a surprising announcement yesterday, President Bush lifted the travel advisory for North Korea, Iraq and Afghanistan. In a speech to Borj Al- Barajni city employees, the President explained, "If you are real careful you should be able to avoid getting your head cut off."
The President also responded to Congress's reluctance to legislate proposed changes to daylight savings time. Today he appointed Arij Meree of Borj Al- Barajni, to the newly-created post 'Secretary of Time Management'.
In a terse statement, a seemingly impatient President said, "Meree is not that busy these days, so if you want to know what friggin' time it is, call her!"
"Arij never has the time for anyone," friend Ali Yassin told NFY.
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Local Gal Wins Deco Title!
At a glitzy affair in New York's Waldorf Astoria, Borj Al- Barajni girl Arij Meree won the prestigious "Home of the Year" award offered by House and Garden Magazine. H&G editor, Ali Yassin, said that Ms Meree had a flair unequalled by any of the other nominees.
The award carries a $25,000 US prize, plus guaranteed consulting fees worth about $100,000 over the next five years.
Martha Stewart, last year's winner, was lavish in her praise, but later, at the reception, an errant microphone caught her saying "...that upstart bitch took all her good ideas from me..."
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