Today's Weather:
Cloudy with sunny, rainy, snowy and foggy conditions. A thunderstorm and hail warning is in effect. Tonight, darkness expected. |
WASHINGTON | WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 08, 2010 | The Nation's Oldest Daily | Since last week
http://www.IGotNewsForYou.com |
Today's Stock Market Top Picks:
None of yours.
Today's Losing Lottery Numbers:
1, 12, 8, 14, 28, 32, 48
|
|
IN FOCUS
Couple Considers Kyoto
While a joint committee of the UN Security Council and Environmental Task Force met today in New York to discuss Kyoto Accord implications, George Bush and Laura Bush met to discuss what they could do to conserve energy and minimize emissions.
Laura suggested that they only have sex three times a year instead of the usual five to conserve energy while George promised to reduce flatulence by eating less junk food.
"They are so environmentally aware," friend Dick Cheney told reporters.
It impacts everyone
Man Chucks All To Be Batboy
A Washington man is raising eyebrows by quitting his job to become a professional batboy for Major League Baseball. "I know batboys are usually younger," said George Bush, tugging at the sleeves of his little uniform. "But it's always been a dream of mine. Well, the dream was really to play baseball, but unfortunately I suck."
Bush has seen some resistance from fans, who've poured beer on him and yelled "Get a real job, grandpa!" "It's only in fun," said Bush, noting that being a batboy is not just getting the players bats. "Sometimes I get them water."
|
An Incredible Entrepreneur!
Washington is Proud!
A Worthy Recipient!
The Washington Chamber of Commerce has announced the recipient of the Dumbest Entrepreneur of the Year Award. Local resident and complete idiot, Mr. George Bush was the undisputed winner by virtue of his poor business decisions and last years large financial losses. Although he faced stiff competition, it was his investment in a school for seeing eye chickens that cemented his win.
Last years recipients, Sam And Ella Towmain, whose seafood restaurant which bore their name closed after only two weeks, were on hand to see Bush receive his award. The president of the Chamber of Commerce, Dick Cheney presented Bush with a $5000 check along with the names of some good financial advisors.
When asked if he had any idea what to do with the money, Bush replied that he was thinking of opening a kosher bakery in Tehran or, if he could find some partners, a chain of dog grooming studios in Korea.
|
Washington Man Makes Good
Dick Cheney
Field Reporter
Washington -
The National Wordsmiths' Society paid homage to George Bush at its annual awards for ''Lifetime Achievement.'' Said the cunning linguist, "I'm pleased to be recognized as a master debator."
Mr. Bush attributed his success to daily practice in front of a mirror. Famous for his rapid, off-the-cuff deliveries, he admitted that it was sometimes hard to keep it up. ''However, the euphoria you feel when you come offstage later makes it all worth while,'' he added.
In presenting George with his trophy, fellow member Ivor Bigun proposed that he be nominated for next year's presidency. Mr. Bush declined however, saying that he would have his hands full for the forseeable future.
|
Day Trader Emerges
A Washington man emerged from his house after not being seen for nine years, having been afraid to get up from his computer while trading stocks.
“I know the stock market’s closed at night, but I just couldn’t risk it,” said George Bush, sporting a long beard and smelling like a cross between sulfur and old onions. “I got up once to make a sandwich in 1998 and wound up losing $15,000.”
Finding day trading to be too unpredictable, Bush says he now plans to devote his energy to a more stable profession: playing Internet poker.
|
|
|
|
|
* Oceanographic Club spokesperson, Osama Bin laden, claims oceans would be deeper without sponges!
Page B8
* Dick Cheney says "Recent studies show 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot."
Page B9 |
Literary giant and aspiring male escort, George Bush
taking time off from fishing, tells NFY Reporters...
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. And I've just started working on the number of chapters."
|
George Bush, president at White House Advises New Business Grads!
"Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now." |
 |
|
|
|
|
|
