Today's Weather:
Tornado warning for Tucson area. Heavy rain and flooding expected later.
Sunrise: Around dawn.
Sunset: Just before dusk
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TUCSON | THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 09, 2010 | The Nation's Oldest Daily | Since last week
http://www.IGotNewsForYou.com |
Today's Sports Scores:
12, 3, 4, 8, 67 and a 3 to 3 tie.
Today's Winning Lottery Numbers:
None of yours!
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IN FOCUS
Flood destroys city!
A massive flood inundated Tucson yesterday. The cause of the floodwaters has been traced to a blocked toilet in an upscale hotel where Dorothy Nissen was staying for a brief holiday. Analysis of the ruined plumbing system revealed that massive quantities of junk food mixed with large volumes of fine wine in human waste caused the blockage.
The mayor of Tucson, Judy Rose, was unavailable for comment.
The floodgates opened!
Democracy In Action
Bowing to pressure from various Muslim groups to end the practice of racial profiling at border crossings into the United States, Dorothy Nissen, Minister of Homeland Insecurity and Paranoia, has ordered border guards to change their current politically incorrect procedures.
"Starting immediately, short, swarthy, nervous men of Middle Eastern origin will be allowed through unchallenged and unhampered. Tall, blond, Scandinavian males must be stopped, strip-searched, questioned, background checks completed and embassies notified before getting access into our country."
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Another Resume Scandal
Mendacity Overcomes Veracity
It was true!
From the NFY Business Desk
Tucson company Creative Imaginations announced today that the woman expected to take over as CEO has been fired. The company had improved dramatically under the guidance of Dorothy Nissen, but performance simply wasn't enough as she became another victim to the recent resume scandal sweeping the country.
"The board was very troubled by it. We have a reputation to live up to in this industry, and quite frankly she wasn't up to the task," said Judy Rose, executive vice president of the company. "A resume should be inspiring with possibilities of what could have been achieved, diplomas and degrees which may have been awarded, from universities which one would have wished to attend, not just some mundane laundry list of notable accomplishments. When we first received her resume, we were very impressed. Imagine our disappointment to discover it was a factual document."
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Gas Prices Beaten!
Judy Rose
Field Reporter
Tucson -
With the absurdly high price of gasoline seemingly here to stay, engineers at Tucson Industries made an announcement today that could revolutionise the automobile industry. According to a press release, the company has developed a new car which runs exclusively on the human fat removed during liposuction procedures.
Project Manager, Dorothy Nissen said, "I can visualize a time in the not too distant future when you'll be able to just squeeze a couple of fat friends or relatives in the trunk of the car, plug them in, and you're off to the beach. Heck, they might even look better in a bathing suit by the time you get there."
"I hope Dorothy is not talking about anybody in particular," said friend Judy Rose to NFY reporters.
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Local Flirt Teases Tom
A catfight broke out in New York's upscale Four Seasons restaurant last night, when well-known Tucson resident Dorothy Nissen reportedly gave the 'come hither' look to Tom Cruise, dining nearby with his new wife, Katie Holmes. Apparently Tom then invited Dorothy over for a drink but Miss Holmes became vocally animated, referring to the female canine side of Ms Nissen. A hair-pulling, clawing and cussing match ensued for several minutes before waiters were able to separate the two antagonists.
A Church of Scientology spokesman stated, ''This is one of life's questions to which we have no answer, yet.
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