Today's Weather:
Deep depression moving into Fairfield area. Light winds,
with gusts to Force 8.
Today's high: Cocaine.
Tonight's low: Very
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FAIRFIELD | WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 08, 2010 | The Nation's Oldest Daily | Since last week
http://www.IGotNewsForYou.com |
Today's Sports Scores:
12, 3, 4, 8, 67 and a 3 to 3 tie.
Today's Winning Lottery Numbers:
None of yours!
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IN FOCUS
New Local Business
A Fairfield man, Tony Luu has started an innovative, on-the-side business that is experiencing rapid sales growth. "Panty Testers" has only been in business for a couple of weeks but demand for the service is soaring. Luu charges a very low price to examine women's panties for texture, thickness, comfort and other characteristics, right in their own home. Looking to complement the business, Luu is considering opening "Bra Testers" in the very near future.
The test takes moments
Marital Sex: Pregnancy Risk High
Mary Yu Tao, spokesperson for the newly-formed Organisation Against Shameless Marital Sex (Org.ASMS), has announced its pilot program advocating post-marital sexual abstinence. The program comes on the heels of a major government study which concluded that post-marital sex has become the number one cause of pregnancy in the country.
This study was particularly resonant for Tao who was actually conceived in an act of post-marital sex. Tao said, "Nobody likes to envision their parents doing the nasty. Let's stop this epidemic before they start popping up in porn movies."
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Human Spontaneous Combustion
Sex Drought Blamed
Fire Dept Called!
Scientists are marveling over a local man who, after a long period without sex, exploded this week. The victim, Tony Luu of Fairfield, was shopping in an appliance store when a Britney Spears video appeared on a bank of High-Definition televisions. "There was a loud pop and then, poof!" said one horrified clerk.
"It's fascinating," said Dr. Sven Johansen, a research scientist from Sweden. "I mean, lots of men feel like they're going to explode if they don't have sex, but this is the first case on record of actual combustion."
Apparently,acquaintance Bruce Huynh had realized some weeks before that Luu needed professional help, after the pair were approached while eating by an attractive waitress, and Huynh noticed what appeared to be steam coming out of Luu's pants.
Scientists estimated that Luu probably hadn't had sex since "before the dawn of time." Then they cracked up and admitted they were just kidding.
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Flasher Shocks Seniors!
Mary Yu Tao
Field Reporter
Fairfield -
Fairfield resident Tony Luu was aquitted on charges of indecent exposure at the City Courthouse yesterday.
Evidence was given that he had approached a park bench where two elderly ladies were sitting and exposed himself to them.
One of the women became extremely agitated and had a stroke. The other, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.
The case was dismissed when neither woman could testify definitely that the accused was the culprit. The judge refused their request to have Mr. Luu remove his trousers so they could make a more positive identification.
"Tony has always been a bit flashy," his acquaintance Bruce Huynh told reporters.
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Know-it-all Knocks NASA
A man from Fairfield on a tour of Cape Canaveral has assumed control of NASA, saying he could do a better job running the operation than "these pinheaded yahoos."
Tony Luu was on vacation in Florida when he took the tour, during which he continually corrected NASA personnel using various bits of space program arcana he'd picked up on NOVA and by watching "Star Trek" reruns.
"Clearly they need someone with just a little more knowledge about the subject," Luu said. When reminded that the NASA workers were in fact rocket scientists, he responded, "Ooooh, rocket scientists! ... Morons."
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* Mary Yu Tao of the Clairvoyants Society has cancelled
tonight's meeting due to unforeseen events.
Page B8
* Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Bruce Huynh, Crime Reporter |
FOR SALE, by retired Fairfield skydiver...
Parachute, only used once, never opened, small stain.
Contact Tony Luu at Fairfield Hospital, Rehabilitation Ward.
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Fairfield Resident, Tony Luu Advises New Business Grads!
"There are two rules for success. One: Don't tell all you know." |
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