Today's Weather:
Deep depression moving into San Francisco area. Light winds,
with gusts to Force 8.
Today's high: Cocaine.
Tonight's low: Very
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SAN FRANCISCO | WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 08, 2010 | The Nation's Oldest Daily | Since last week
http://www.IGotNewsForYou.com |
Today's Sports Scores:
12, 3, 4, 8, 67 and a 3 to 3 tie.
Today's Winning Lottery Numbers:
None of yours!
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IN FOCUS
Taste Samples Wrong!
Neil Corcoran has been fired from his executive position at exclusive marketing firm, Wee, Scrooyou and Howe. Corcoran was responsible for the wine industry’s annual and very lucrative blind taste test promotion at the local mall. Hundreds of San Francisco men lined up to savor the specialties and comment on their favorites. Due to reasons still unknown, Corcoran provided the wrong test samples, as evidenced by the hidden camera photograph (pictured below) taken at the test site by our reporter, Per Smith.
Taste test error...aww...
Hockey Fan Starts Emitting Pucks
Local hockey fan Neil Corcoran has become so excited about the upcoming playoffs that he's started emitting hockey pucks from his posterior, baffling doctors and scientists alike.
"We've never seen anything like this before," noted Dr. Per Smith of the National Posterior Region Institute. Dr. Smith did note that their researchers have occasionally found hockey sticks in that area, but usually only after a particularly brutal check.
"I was as surprised as anyone," said Corcoran of his newfound puck problem. "It's kind of embarrassing, although it does come in handy for pickup games."
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Local Distributor Markets Cameras!
Digital Cameras for All
A unique camera!
Frequently, NewsForYou will feature a local business if our editors feel that the story would be of interest to the community.
With the intense competition to gain market share, a local company, "PictureThis Ltd." of San Francisco is proud to announce that it has become the exclusive distributor of the "ISeeYouISeeMe" digital camera favored by sports photographers world-wide.
"PictureThis Ltd." CEO, Neil Corcoran, in a written press release stated, "This beauty boasts 10 mega pixels in DX format and a processing engine that would get a rise out of Grandpa. A high ISO sensitivity range and two large sensors make continuous shooting, even in low light condtions, very easy. A tight and compact yet light body, that easily fits the hands, completes the features of this baby. Our marketing department is already working on promotions to get the word out."
The price of the "ISeeYouISeeMe" has not yet been announced.
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Gas Prices Beaten!
Andrew Beaton
Field Reporter
San Francisco -
With the absurdly high price of gasoline seemingly here to stay, engineers at San Francisco Industries made an announcement today that could revolutionise the automobile industry. According to a press release, the company has developed a new car which runs exclusively on the human fat removed during liposuction procedures.
Project Manager, Neil Corcoran said, "I can visualize a time in the not too distant future when you'll be able to just squeeze a couple of fat friends or relatives in the trunk of the car, plug them in, and you're off to the beach. Heck, they might even look better in a bathing suit by the time you get there."
"I hope Neil is not talking about anybody in particular," said uncle Per Smith to NFY reporters.
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Know-it-all Knocks NASA
A man from San Francisco on a tour of Cape Canaveral has assumed control of NASA, saying he could do a better job running the operation than "these pinheaded yahoos."
Neil Corcoran was on vacation in Florida when he took the tour, during which he continually corrected NASA personnel using various bits of space program arcana he'd picked up on NOVA and by watching "Star Trek" reruns.
"Clearly they need someone with just a little more knowledge about the subject," Corcoran said. When reminded that the NASA workers were in fact rocket scientists, he responded, "Ooooh, rocket scientists! ... Morons."
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* San Francisco's Neil Corcoran descibes how addiction to
making out
ruined a career, and how, as a trainee
call girl,
life is now good again.
Page B4
* Interview with local socialite and cross-dresser, Andrew Beaton.
Genetic disposition or simply an attempt to escape creditors?
Page C2 |
Tonight's Must See TV Listings:
* The Search for Smith! Ch. 3, 8:00pm - Documentary based on
the true story of this infamous extortionist and money launderer,
culminating in the relentless manhunt which followed Smith's daring prison escape.
(Parental discretion)
* Shady Business! Ch. 22, 9:00pm - Follow the hilarious antics of
Baller, Taller and Shot Caller executives
as they try to swindle the tax-man, their customers, and even their own employees.
Tonight:
Legal secretaryNeil Corcoran
is charged with sexual harrasment.
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On Tonight! |
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