Today's Weather:
Cloudy with sunny, rainy, snowy and foggy conditions. A thunderstorm and hail warning is in effect. Tonight, darkness expected. |
NEWMARKET | WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 08, 2010 | The Nation's Oldest Daily | Since last week
http://www.IGotNewsForYou.com |
Today's Sports Scores:
12, 3, 4, 8, 67 and a 3 to 3 tie.
Today's Winning Lottery Numbers:
None of yours!
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IN FOCUS
World Power-boat Racing Championships
Yesterday's final event was the gruelling 75km race around St. Lucia. The favourite, Canada's Dave Bonet, was leading the field when he suddenly swerved off course and destroyed his boat on a coral reef. Nobody was seriously injured but Bonet later told reporters that he was certain that his arch-rival, Bob Rondeau, had planned and paid for the Sea-Doo rider (pictured below) to be anchored over the reef, just by the course.
Bob Rondeau, the eventual winner, denied any wrongdoing, saying that Bonet had a history of being misled by wet pussy.
Siren of the seas!
Mayor Denies Nepotism Charges
The mayor of Newmarket, Dave Bonet is again facing accusations of corruption and nepotism linked with the thousands of potholes, bumps and cracks in city's roads.
In a statement, the Mayor said, "It is categorically false that my brother owns an asphalt supply company and that my brother-in-law is a road repair contractor. They are simply partners in a lingerie manufacturing company clearly having nothing to do with roads."
In unrelated news, a recent study revealed a direct relationship between bumpy roads and sports bra sales.
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Charity Event A Bust
Local hero chokes
Anna in action!
Newmarket
Dave Bonet, a Davis Cup player for Canada, was a big disappointment yesterday, when he faced Russia's Anna Kournikova in Newmarket's annual charity fund-raiser.
He was soundly trounced 6-0, 6-0, which was a blow to the organisers, who had been promised $5 000 U.S. by Kournikova for every game Bonet won. Nevertheless, she did donate $10 000 as a goodwill gesture, as well as donating a pair of her panties, expected to fetch about $75 000 at auction."I know Dave can play much better than that," she said, "He seemed preoccupied with something today."
For his part, Bonet apologised to the crowd: "I just couldn't concentrate on the ball today," he said, "plus, I developed this awful swelling in my groin area, which seemed to get worse as the match progressed. I'll take a cold shower and see if that helps."
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Newmarket Couch-Potato Denies Steroid Use
Lorne Tackaberry
Field Reporter
Newmarket -
Dave Bonet has denied ever using steroids, prompting much mirth among experts. "If he's been using steroids, he should get his money back," said Dr. Bob Rondeau of the Sports Medicine Institute.
In a prepared statement, Bonet said that he "never, ever took any steroids or injected himself with foreign substances." Reminded that typically only professional athletes release statements about their steroid use, Bonet responded that he just wanted to "keep all my bases covered." He also stated that he'd never had any plastic surgery, although admitted once buying medications over the Internet to enlarge his genitalia.
"Even that was a complete failure," sniffed his wife, Carol Bonet.
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Hypochondriac Cure
In this month's respected medical journal "The Lancet", doctors claim a breakthrough in treating "Dave Bonet Syndrome". The medical world has been baffled for years by the case of Mr. Bonet from Newmarket, Canada, who suffered symptoms of multiple ailments and diseases, often simultaneously or in rapid succession. Neither self-medication nor professional treatment brought any relief.
Recent studies have identified a small gland in the front lobe of the brain which acts as an attention seeker, triggering the symptoms. Removing the gland has proven 100% successful.
In unrelated news, pharmaceutical stocks fall sharply.
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