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Today's Weather:
Deep depression moving into Kansas City area. Light winds, with gusts to Force 8.
Today's high: Cocaine. Tonight's low: Very

KANSAS CITY | WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 08, 2010 | The Nation's Oldest Daily | Since last week
http://www.IGotNewsForYou.com

Today's Sports Scores:
Stop pestering me! I don't care! I hate sports!

Today's Lottery Numbers:
Your numbers won, but you forgot to buy a ticket, idiot!

Fish-Tale!

Local belle Kathy Kelly goes on weekend fishing trip with 4 guys - comes back with red snapper.

Colonoscopy Comfort

Researcher Kathy Kelly develops home colonoscopy kit. Shy people everywhere rejoice. Full story B7

Pharmacy Viagra Theft - Work Of Hardened Criminals Say Kansas City Police

IN FOCUS

Local Woman Abducted!

A little known terrorist group has kidnapped a local woman. Police received a note from the Kansas City Freedom Fighters last night. It stated that Ms. Kathy Kelly was abducted and was being held in an undisclosed location. The immediate motive for the hostage taking was unclear but the note mentioned that Ms. Kelly was fine and being treated very well. A photo of the gang (pictured below) was included and the note mentioned that Ms. Kelly would be negotiating her own release.

Nasty Kidnappers

Plumber Not All He's Cracked Up To Be

A local plumber, whose name is being withheld by police, is expected to press sexual harrasement charges following an incident at a client's home.
The client, Kathy Kelly, is claiming that it was just an honest mistake. Ms. Kelly explained that she became confused when the plumber bent down under the sink, exposing the upper portion of his backside. "I thought my friends had sent me a male stripper," said Ms. Kelly, "so I rolled up a fiver and stuck it down his butt crack."

Renowned Sex-Therapist Injured

Blames poor vision

Flexibility Fantasy

Kathy Kelly, the well-known sex-therapist and author of "Don't Just Take It Lying Down, Girls", is recovering in a Kansas City hospital after being found with her head stuck in a basketball net and her left leg wrapped around the back of her neck.
        On being interviewed, she stated that she "thought at the time that this seemed a difficult position to adopt, but whoever wrote the Kama Sutra must have known what they were talking about."
        Her partner, who wishes to remain anonymous, was released from the same hospital after being treated for a hernia and trauma. Known to be 'game for anything', he told our reporter, Mary Slaton, that he is now considering retiring from the field. "It's a young man's game with Kathy," he said.
        Ms. Kelly refused to elaborate on the details of the incident, but did say that this would definitely be the last time she would consult the book without her reading glasses on.

New Book From Local Feminist

Mary Slaton
Field Reporter

Kansas City - The latest offering from Kathy Kelly is titled "That was Fine Dear, But...".
        In it, she once again faces up to those hard-slamming emancipated women's issues emanating from the bedroom. Ever the realist, as she calls herself, Kelly deftly juggles the balls of secrecy surrounding women's true feelings under the sheets.
        Over two thousand pages long, the book covers a host of topics, from male inability to male infertility to male insensitivity and so on.
        A number of chapters have received particular praise from reviewers, including Chapter 7, headed, "I Think The Condom's Too Big", and Chapter 69, "Not Until You've Showered".

Woman 'Extremely Friendly'

A Kansas City woman has been named "Friendliest Person Ever" by the National Society of Drunken Barflies.
        Kathy Kelly was awarded the honor this week after her 100th successive weekend of being extremely friendly to men she'd met in bars.
        "Boy, is she ever FRIENDLY," said one of the lucky men, winking incessantly and nudging a reporter in the ribs. "Particularly after three or four martinis."
        Kelly said she was honored and that she's always been very friendly, or at least since she was about 16. "Not just to strangers, sometimes they're people I've known for hours," she said.

Mary Slaton wishes you a happy birthday!

In The Paper

* Part-time politician, Mary Slaton says: War Dims Hopes For Peace! Page B8

* Education study reveals: Five out of three students have trouble with fractions! Patty Mullen, NFY Reporter

GRAND GET-A-WAY CONTEST!

Answer the skill testing question on Page C5; win three glorious nights at the lovely home of slave worker and aspiring call girl, Kathy Kelly.
* Fly 3rd class non-stop with Afghan Airways to scenic Kansas City
* Watch stimulating videos of speeches by AT&T ex-presidents
* Enjoy endless hours of fun activities such as cooking with Kathy