Today's Weather:
Tornado warning for Akron area. Heavy rain and flooding expected later.
Sunrise: Around dawn.
Sunset: Just before dusk
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AKRON | WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 08, 2010 | The Nation's Oldest Daily | Since last week
http://www.IGotNewsForYou.com |
Today's Stock Market Top Picks:
None of yours.
Today's Losing Lottery Numbers:
1, 12, 8, 14, 28, 32, 48
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IN FOCUS
Family Jewels - It's All Relative!
After extensive testing by disappointed volunteers, it seems that the penis enlargement pills developed by renowned urologist Dr. Raleigh Matthews, do not work as it was first claimed. Some psychological benefits, however, are still valid.
It was found that the medication does nothing to increase the size of the penis. It does, however, shrink the testicles by about forty per cent, thereby making the penis appear considerably longer.
Volunteers Discouraged!
Old School Ties
Yesterday, local celebrity Dave Lockard was the guest speaker for the annual Awards Day at his old alma mater, Akron Academy for Boys.
Mr. Lockard stressed that the boys should make the most of their schooldays, times that they would look back on with great nostalgia in years to come.
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older," he said. "Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life."
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Locating Men's Brains!
Not a trivial exercise!
What an organ!
From the NFY Health Desk
The old adage that "God gave man a brain and a penis, but only enough blood to run one at a time", has been challenged in a recent study by Dr. Dave Lockard from the Institute of Higher Erections in Akron, the United States.
The reality would appear to be far more complex than originally thought. According to the study, 75% of all men believe they actually have brains in their penises. Moreover, whilst most men believe that the penis-brain is somewhat smaller than the brain in their head, they believe that it can countermand the latter in cases of extreme importance, such as the opportunity to place itself in warm, wet environments. In cold surroundings, however, the perception is that the opposite is true. Shrinkage takes place and the penis-brain becomes constricted and deprived of blood and oxygen, a condition often referred to clinically as 'Brain-dead'.
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Local Man Used To Discourage Life
Raleigh Matthews
Field Reporter
Akron -
A man from the United States has been chosen by the International Pro-Choice Movement as the "Poster Child for Abortion."
Pictures of Dave Lockard of Akron will be appearing on posters and pamphlets, along with the caption, "If Only His Parents Hadn't Chosen Life."
"We're looking to send a very clear message," said Darrell Walker of the pro-choice organization Abortions for Everybody. "That if abortions are made illegal, there will be a lot more Dave Lockards in the world."
For his part, Lockard said he has mixed emotions about being chosen. "I'm not so sure it's a compliment," he said, adding, however, that "if I can prevent just one more me, then it will have all been worth it."
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Gold Stocks Plunge
Dave Lockard of Akron, the United States stunned the business world yesterday when he announced that the price of gold is overvalued and predicted it would drop by 50% by week's end.
In a panic reaction, the New York Stock Exchange immediatly lost 1500 points, ruining many investors and causing at least two suicides. By the close of the trading day the market had partially rebounded on the news that no one had ever heard of Dave Lockard.
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* Akron's Dave Lockard descibes how addiction to
making love
ruined a career, and how, as a trainee
porn star,
life is now good again.
Page B4
* Interview with local socialite and cross-dresser, Raleigh Matthews.
Genetic disposition or simply an attempt to escape creditors?
Page C2 |
Tonight's Must See TV Listings:
* The Search for Walker! Ch. 3, 8:00pm - Documentary based on
the true story of this infamous extortionist and money launderer,
culminating in the relentless manhunt which followed Walker's daring prison escape.
(Parental discretion)
* Shady Business! Ch. 22, 9:00pm - Follow the hilarious antics of
Akron businessmen
as they try to swindle the tax-man, their customers, and even their own employees.
Tonight:
traderDave Lockard
is charged with sexual harrasment.
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On Tonight! |
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