IN FOCUS
World Power-boat Racing Championships
Yesterday's final event was the gruelling 75km race around St. Lucia. The favourite, the United States's Peter Berger, was leading the field when he suddenly swerved off course and destroyed his boat on a coral reef. Nobody was seriously injured but Berger later told reporters that he was certain that his arch-rival, Aiman Jarrar, had planned and paid for the Sea-Doo rider (pictured below) to be cruising over the reef, just by the course.
Aiman Jarrar, the eventual winner, denied any wrongdoing, saying that Berger had a history of chasing after fast women.
Siren of the seas!
Bye Bye Vi!
Police were summoned to the home of Peter Berger and Paige Burlew to break up a domestic dispute last night.
It seems that Ms. Burlew became enraged when Mr. Berger announced he intended to stop taking Viagra after only two weeks of use.
Mr. Berger explained that the sex was taking far too long."I kept missing the 1st quarter of Monday Night Football," said Mr. Berger,"and my wife's moaning and groaning kept waking up the dog."
No charges were laid, nor was Ms. Burlew
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Berger Turns Pro
Says ''Team Comes First''
This could be serious!
A Phoenix man has put his days as a casual football fan aside and is going professional. "My dad always told me, 'Do what you love,'" said Peter Berger, while having his entire body permanently dyed in his team's colors. "I thought, what do I love more than watching football? I mean other than drinking beer and yelling, which are both part of watching football."
Berger quit his job in order to prepare for the arduous hours involved in being a professional football fan. "It's not just week-ends," he pointed out, noting that some games are now scheduled for during the week. "And in long games you have to pace yourself to make the beer last."
But what separates a professional fan from the amateurs, like his friend Aiman Jarrar? "Well, for one, I've had this giant foam hand surgically attached to my arm," Berger noted, making a "We're No. 1" gesture. "And also, I think I may have a problem. You know, mentally."
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Local Sportsman Shows His Stuff!
Aiman Jarrar
Field Reporter
Phoenix -
Amateur soccer is becoming hugely popular in the United States. We interviewed Peter Berger, captain of Phoenix United, prior to its game against a visiting French team.
"It's a great sport," he told us. "It brings out the very best in the lads, sportsmanship, friendliness, team spirit, etc. We love playing, win or lose."
Unfortunately, the game proved to be anything but amicable, and Berger was warned early in the second half for deliberately kicking an opponent in the groin and calling him "a rat-assed, ugly frog-eater."
Minutes later he was sent off for spitting at a linesman following a disputed call, then questioning the parentage of the referee. On leaving the field, he mooned the jeering spectators, one of whom described the sight as "awesome, a terrifying spectacle, - I never want to see that thing pointed at me again."
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Local Man's Low Self-Esteem A Problem
Identity theft is becoming a big concern in the United States. People are being increasingly vigilant as regards protecting their personal data, buying shredders, changing PIN numbers, etc.
Not so with Peter Berger of Phoenix, who suffers from an acute lack of self-esteem. Berger has been trying for years now to get his identity stolen, by leaving copies of his driving licence, bank statements, and credit card bills in public places, so far without success. Even advertising in newspapers and on eBay has been in vain.
"I wouldn't have his identity if he paid me a million bucks," said one inmate on death row in California's San Quentin prison.
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