IN FOCUS
Charles's Troubles Mount!
Prince Charles is trying to prevent excerpts from his missing diaries from becoming public. His lawyer, Steve Remington, issued a statement yesterday saying that diary references to Charles and Camilla having two children years ago out of wedlock are absurd.
However, after extensive investigation, NFY Reporter Steve Remington has discovered that this is indeed true. One child is pulling a plow in a Lincolnshire potato field, the other is running next month in the Epsom Derby.
Poor guy!
Man Chucks All To Be Batboy
A Bangor man is raising eyebrows by quitting his job to become a professional batboy for Major League Baseball. "I know batboys are usually younger," said Steve Remington, tugging at the sleeves of his little uniform. "But it's always been a dream of mine. Well, the dream was really to play baseball, but unfortunately I suck."
Remington has seen some resistance from fans, who've poured beer on him and yelled "Get a real job, grandpa!" "It's only in fun," said Remington, noting that being a batboy is not just getting the players bats. "Sometimes I get them water."
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New U.S. Political Party Formed
Combines Worst Of Others' Platforms
Republicrat Mascot
After an international search among certified mentally-unstable persons, Steve Remington of Bangor, the United States, has been chosen to lead a new U.S. political party, the Republicrats, which aims to incorporate the worst qualities of Democrats and Republicans.
Party chairman Remington said he was tired of parties that only do things halfway.
"But combining the corruption and heartless social agenda of the Republicans with the disorganization and runaway spending of the Democrats - well, that's the whole package," he said.
The ambitious party platform includes programs such as raising taxes 200 percent to buy everybody more guns, and giving huge tax cuts to same-sex couples who marry, whether they're gay or not.
Unfortunately, the party's first presidential candidate, Steve Remington, has already been forced to resign after being caught in a compromising position with an intern. Remington claims only to have been looking for a WMD in the intern's underwear.
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Getting the Old Heave-Ho!
Steve Remington
Field Reporter
Bangor -
Eva Chappie set a new Guinness world record today by throwing a fully-grown man 19'-2". This tops the old record of 18'-6", established by Roseanne Barr in 1994, just days before her divorce from Tom Arnold.
Bangor resident, Steve Remington, the man thrown by Ms. Chappie, suffered only minor bruises. "I had just left McDonalds, minding my own business, when this woman grabs me by the neck and throws me across the goddamn street," he told reporters, apparently not yet fully grasping his role in sports history.
When asked what inspired her historical toss, Ms. Chappie replied, "I don't know. I felt strong, the wind was right, and that guy just looked aerodynamic somehow."
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Greed Pays!
In Bangor, Maine today, loan shark boss, Steve Remington announced plans to lower interest rates on outstanding loan balances to a respectable five percent from seven percent per week.
In an exclusive interview with NFY reporter, Steve Remington, Remington appeared in a darkened room with his face turned from the camera and his voice disguised by a scrambler. He added that in order to stay competitive with other major money lenders he was immediately reducing the penalty on overdue payments by 50%, from two broken legs to one.
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* of the Clairvoyants Society has cancelled
tonight's meeting due to unforeseen events.
Page B8
* Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Steve Remington, Crime Reporter |
FOR SALE, by aspiring mattress tester who has recently given up skydiving and playing soccer...
Parachute, only used once, never opened, small stain.
Contact Steve Remington at Bangor Hospital, Rehabilitation Ward.
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Bangor Resident, Steve Remington Advises New Business Grads!
"There are two rules for success. One: Don't tell all you know." |
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