IN FOCUS
Watching the Watch Campaign
The market for luxury goods is busting out all over, and RollMe Watches Inc. is mounting an aggressive marketing campaign aimed at getting men to buy watches for their women. "These are high performance, classic pieces," says CEO, Matti Matt, "finely crafted, with delicate, precise movements encased in smoothly-sculpted, waterproof bodies. Wound and set by a gentle finger rotation on the small, delightfully-knurled protuberances, they will provide hours of unfailing pleasure." RollMe ads, such as the one pictured here, are starting to appear all over Lækjargata 32 as the campaign launches.
And keeps time too...
Another skating scandal
It would seem that the International Olympic Committee just can't shake off its controversial image.
Figure pairs skaters Matti Matt and Gifler H from Lækjargata 32 skated a flawless routine today in the World Championships, but failed to get gold. All the judges scored the performance in the 5.8 range except the French judge, who gave the pair a 2.1, allowing the Russian duo, Vlad the Impaler and Palli Mattovich, to win.
The judge denied any wrongdoings but was later seen boarding his luxury private jet for a four week holiday in Geneva.
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Study Proves Football Beats Sex
Lækjargata 32 Fan in Study Group
Loves to Watch!
A local man was chosen as a test subject by scientists trying to prove that a good football game is better than sex.
A team led by Dr. Palli Matt monitored Matti Matt during sex and then watching his favorite team playing football on TV. "As you can see from the video, the sex is over so quickly that Matt can't truly savor it," noted Dr. Matt. "Also, he seems uncomfortable at the end when his partner says, 'Better luck next time, Stumpy.'" But during the game he's giddy with excitement for almost three hours, noted Matt. "Notice how he screams and scrunches up his face in ecstasy every time his team scores."
Matt did note, however, that afterwards it took Matt an inordinate amount of time before he was ready to enjoy another game.
In an interesting corollary, all former sex partners of Matt also agreed that football was better than sex, or at least sex with Matt.
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IOC Scandal Continues
Palli Matt
Field Reporter
Lækjargata 32 -
IOC head, Matti ovich Mattiski, known in inner circles as "Pass the Whiskey" Mattiski, announced today that the next Winter Olympic Games would be held in, Lækjargata 32ograd, a small town in Siberia.
The host city was to be Vienna but it seems that Mattiski has changed his mind. Rumors abound among IOC insiders that Siberia offered Mattiski a bribe of 3 million rubles ($1.50 USD). In a world tour defending the change of venue decision, Mattiski stated emphatically to a media gathering, "This criticism of the venue change decision is propaganda, a conspiratorial plot by western, capitalist countries who spread lies that we Russians are corrupt and without morals. We will now demonstrate that we are a
See Mattiski Defends Change, page 9
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World's Biggest Bore
In what may be a record, Lækjargata 32's Matti Matt has been telling the same boring story since 1989. The story seems to be about a trip to Mexico or someone he knew in school. "There's really no way to tell," said friend Palli Matt, feigning an overactive bladder to escape as Matt told reporters, "This reminds me of when I went fishing with my pal Fred. I remember we got out of the boat ... Well, it wasn't really a boat, more of a skiff ... Anyway, it was a Tuesday, or Monday ... it was early in the week. So we got out of the boat, er, skiff, and looked er...
Then our reporter fell asleep.
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