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Cloudy with sunny, rainy, snowy and foggy conditions. A thunderstorm and hail warning is in effect. Tonight, darkness expected. |
MUMBAI | WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 08, 2010 | The Nation's Oldest Daily | Since last week
http://www.IGotNewsForYou.com |
Today's Sports Scores:
12, 3, 4, 8, 67 and a 3 to 3 tie.
Today's Winning Lottery Numbers:
None of yours!
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IN FOCUS
Hole-in-None
The final day of the Augusta National PGA tournament was a real nail-biter. Mumbai sensation Dhir Negandhi, up by two strokes on Tiger Woods, hit a hole-in-one at the 17th green, and looked set to take the trophy.
However, from force of habit when playing with his Mumbai buddies, he automatically marked one stroke less on his golf card. The error was picked up by course officials, and he was unfortunately disqualified.
Cheating never pays!
DaVinci Code Panned
Christian evangelists are thrilled as most movie critics are slamming The DaVinci Code. "It's proof that the movie is blasphemous," says televangelist Pat Robertson. "Critics are insulted by the falsities of the movie, so they're giving it bad reviews."
Noted film-buff, Sudhanva Vaidya, disagrees, and believes The DaVinci Code to be completely true. Vaidya points to the fact that plenty of other quality non-fiction and biographical movies have been inappropriately slammed by critics, including Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, Gigli, and Vaidya's own Backyard B.B.Q. with Friends (1989, 8mm version).
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Negandhi Signs For Yankees
Reluctantly!
What a guy! What a game!
NFY Sports Desk
Last night, after lengthy negotiations, veteran leftfielder Dhir "the Paunch" Negandhi signed the latest contract offer from the Mumbai Yankees of the American League.
Details of the contract have not yet been disclosed but sources close to the dealings have revealed that Negandhi who had always insisted on a 40 year contract, grudgingly accepted a 30 year no-cut deal for an annual salary of 400 million dollars U.S. The team's ownership, represented by Sankalp Garud, an experienced and well-known negotiator, did achieve another of its contract objectives. Management will no longer be required to provide the 350-pound athlete with a meal of bacon, grits, hog jowls, pork bellies and French fries before every game.
A superbly conditioned athlete, Negandhi has won all major baseball awards and has shattered the groin scratching record and his own gob-hawking record that had stood unmatched for almost 12 years.
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Weightlifter Caught!
Sudhanva Vaidya
Field Reporter
Mumbai -
Russian weightlifter, Dhiresky Negandhiovitch, had to relinquish his Olympic Gold Medal yesterday after he was found to have used strength-enhancing drugs.
Chief Medical Officer, Sankalp Garud, in an interview with NFY reporters, said, "I became suspicious when we had to provide Negandhiovitch with a metal container as the force of his urination kept breaking the glass cups. I was sure Negandhiovitch was taking banned substances, however, when after a few days I went to get his sample from the fridge to conduct more tests and found that the urine had solidified into a rock hard block."
Negandhiovitch denied the charges, saying that he had always urinated that way.
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Cheery Man U.N. Choice
The U.N. Secretary-General has hired Dhir Negandhi of Mumbai as a goodwill ambassador, noting, "That man could cheer up the people falling out of the Hindenburg."
The U.N. hopes to use Negandhi's sunny disposition as a way to raise the spirits of earthquake victims, injured soldiers and starving poor people. Reached in Africa, Negandhi said, "This is really great, just awesome!" as he told knock-knock jokes to lepers.
The plan is to eventually parachute Negandhi into the mountains of Afghanistan to cheer up Osama Bin Laden. "An hour with Dhir," said friend Sankalp Garud, "and he'll be as harmless as a Hari Krishna."
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