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Today's Weather:
Deep depression moving into Sidney area. Light winds, with gusts to Force 8.
Today's high: Cocaine. Tonight's low: Very

SIDNEY | WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 08, 2010 | The Nation's Oldest Daily | Since last week
http://www.IGotNewsForYou.com

Today's Stock Market Top Picks:
None of yours.

Today's Losing Lottery Numbers:
1, 12, 8, 14, 28, 32, 48

U.N. Inspectors Suspicious

U.N. claims Amelia McGrath stockpiling abdominal gas, biological insurance agents and other web-puns of crass construction.

Women's Sports

Sidney golf pro Amelia McGrath thrilled with handicap reduction. Finally gets golf score down to her weight.

Strike May Last Awhile If Not Settled Quickly, says Mayor, Amelia McGrath

IN FOCUS

Scandal Rocks Golf World

Yet another drug scandal has been uncovered in the world of professional sports, and this time it's golf. In an invitational event at the prestigious Sidney Golf Club, tournament leader James Bond was tested for banned substances and performance enhancing drugs.
Although all the tests came back negative, it was later revealed that the entire spectator gallery tested positive for amphetamines which were consumed in order to keep awake during the completely boring eighteen hole affair.

Drugs are Everywhere!

Time Travel Discovered

World famous scientist James Bond has created a remarkable invention. Time travel has been tried throughout history and now appears possible through this incredible technology. Further testing by independent agencies is planned for early next year but most experts are skeptical.
In a telephone interview, Bond's assistant, Brigi Hudacsko was asked when Bond would be able to grant a face-to-face session with NFY reporters. Brigi responded, "With all the media attention, James is extremely busy and is only available for interviews last week."

Amelia McGrath Creates Show

Exciting Chance For Aspiring Oldies

Dancing, sleeping...who cares...

From the NFY Entertainment Desk
TV networks can't seem to get enough of reality game shows. A new one is being aired next week on a Sidney local station. It is loosely based on Dancing with the Stars but, because of the local smaller budget, the title of this show will be "Sleeping with the Old Guys".
Creator of the show, Amelia McGrath, described the premise in a press release yesterday. "The game will involve several young women going to bed with various older men as the camera watches unblinkingly. The audience will vote, based on technical elements and artistic expression and each week one couple will be eliminated until there is one winner left. This is a wonderful opportunity for maturing males to revive their flagging careers and get back into the swing of things. We are currently casting for young women as we don't yet have any. We do, however, have about six thousand old guys."

Film To Be Unseen By Millions

Brigi Hudacsko
Field Reporter

Sidney - A Sidney woman has been chosen to star in a depressing independent film that nobody will see.
        "Apparently they're looking for 'regular people' to highlight the true nature of mankind," said Amelia McGrath, who appears as 'Gertude,' a lesbian waitress in the film, entitled "47 Conversations About Nothing." The film will be released simultaneously to theaters, DVD, TV and bootleggers.
        "We want to provide as many people as possible the opportunity to not see it," said McGrath, who apparently had some tough competition for the role, including more than a dozen street-walkers, two Anglican priests, and several cardboard cutouts.
        When released, many Film Academy members are planning to use the free DVDs as coasters.

Cheery Woman UN Choice

The U.N. Secretary-General has hired Amelia McGrath of Sidney as a goodwill ambassador, noting, "That woman could cheer up the people falling out of the Hindenburg."
The U.N. hopes to use McGrath's sunny disposition as a way to raise the spirits of earthquake victims, injured soldiers and starving poor people. Reached in Africa, McGrath said, "This is really great, just awesome!" as she told knock-knock jokes to lepers.
The plan is to eventually parachute McGrath into the mountains of Afghanistan to cheer up Osama Bin Laden. "An hour with Amelia," said friend Brigi Hudacsko, "and he'll be as harmless as a Hari Krishna."

Brigi Hudacsko wishes you a nice day!

In The Paper

* Sidney executive turned fashion designer tells all. See McGrath Talks, Page B4

* New Police Chief Brigi Hudacsko states that huge increase in homicides can be accounted for in one word: "organized crime." Page C2

NFY Entertainment Report:

Celebrity Amelia McGrath claims shopping better than sex. McGrath's previous sex partners all agree. "Better than sex with Amelia, anyway," they say.

Salesperson of the Year:
James Bond accepts prestigious award. Tells reporters, "I'm always honest - it's part of my parole conditions."

James received this beauty!