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Today's Weather:
Deep depression moving into Miles City area. Light winds, with gusts to Force 8.
Today's high: Cocaine. Tonight's low: Very

MILES CITY | WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 08, 2010 | The Nation's Oldest Daily | Since last week
http://www.IGotNewsForYou.com

Today's Sports Scores:
Stop pestering me! I don't care! I hate sports!

Today's Lottery Numbers:
Your numbers won, but you forgot to buy a ticket, idiot!

Merry Christmas Steve

Three stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He does not believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.

Miles City Hero!

Local hero, Steve Atkinson, braves icy stares to save best friend from frigid wife.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges in Miles City!

IN FOCUS

Flood Destroys City

A massive flood inundated Miles City yesterday. The cause of the floodwaters has been traced to a blocked toilet in an upscale hotel where Steve Atkinson was staying for a brief holiday. Analysis of the ruined plumbing system revealed that massive quantities of junk food mixed with large volumes of cheap beer in human waste caused the blockage.
The mayor of Miles City, Judy Rose, was unavailable for comment.

The floodgates opened !

Man Clubbed

A Miles City woman was charged with aggravated assault in a preliminary hearing yesterday. Officer Judy Rose testified that after being called to a domestic dispute, police found the victim Steve Atkinson unconscious on the floor. The accused, Annie Atkinson, clad in a flimsy baby-doll nightie, was weeping and trying to revive him.
Apparently, in an attempt to revitalize their flagging love-life, she had suggested they play around together. When Mr. Atkinson said he would phone for a tee off time next morning, Ms. Atkinson became infuriated and struck him with a seven-iron.

Nature's Impact!

Suffering is Uneneding!

Nasty Nasty Nasty!

NFY Weather Desk
2005's Hurricanes Katrina and Rita seem to have caused more than just long felt pain and suffering in the devastated regions where they struck.
        Local Miles City strippers Katrina and Rita say that the hurricanes have caused them a huge amount of financial damage as well. "We have had these names for 2 years! This is what all of our clients know us as! Now no one wants a lap dance from us!" said the big breasted pair.
        Local night club manager Steve Atkinson thinks the damage will be felt for a long time to come. "These poor girls are just trying to pay their way through veterinary school, and now they can't even pay for their G-strings."
        Only time will tell how long these fine young ladies will be paying the price for nature's fury.

Rapper's Release 'Inspired'

Judy Rose
Field Reporter

Miles City - Rap singer, Steve Atkinson, after a number of poor albums, has come up with an exciting and innovative release. The CD cleverly combines rural African rhythms and urban sounds from the United States - something unique in a rap release. Sounds of water dripping and splashing, paper tearing and trucks backfiring are all part of this creative work.
During a recent tour promoting the album, Atkinson commented on the inspiration for its content. "During our last gig here in Miles City, I got food poisoning after eating sushi. I spent almost three days and nights in the bathroom and the emotions and inspiration just seemed to flow out of me."
The album, simply entitled 'Atkinson Unplugged', will be on sale tomorrow.

Local Man Very Cautious

A Miles City man, Steve Atkinson, was approached last night by a shady-looking character offering Rolex knock-off watches for ten dollars. Although the watch salesman was very persuasive, claiming that no one would be able to tell the difference between the knock-off and the real thing, Atkinson refused to make the purchase.
When interviewed by NFY reporters, Atkinson said, "It's just too risky. If I wore this watch I'd probably get mugged by a thief with a fake gun. I think I'd prefer buying a real Rolex that looks like a Timex."

Judy Rose wishes you a happy Christmas!

In The Paper

* Miles City's Steve Atkinson descibes how addiction to playing strip poker ruined a career, and how, as a trainee rock star, life is now good again. Page B4

* Interview with local socialite and cross-dresser, Hip Hop. Genetic disposition or simply an attempt to escape creditors?
Page C2

Tonight's Must See TV Listings:

* The Search for Rose! Ch. 3, 8:00pm - Documentary based on the true story of this infamous extortionist and money launderer, culminating in the relentless manhunt which followed Rose's daring prison escape. (Parental discretion)

* Shady Business! Ch. 22, 9:00pm - Follow the hilarious antics of Miles City businessmen as they try to swindle the tax-man, their customers, and even their own employees. Tonight: rising star Steve Atkinson is charged with sexual harrasment.

On Tonight!